One character, dressed in clashing, garish colours, appears before another wearing a white coat.
One – Good morning, Doctor.
Two – So, what brings you in today?
One – Well, Doctor, I’ve lost my sense of taste.
The other glances at her clothes.
Two – Your sense of smell too?
One – Er, no… Just my sense of taste. But that’s bad enough.
Two – I can imagine…
One – Given my job, I’d say it’s pretty serious.
Two – Do you work in a restaurant, perhaps? Or are you a food critic?
One – Not at all… I’m a fashion designer.
Two – Right… (He holds out a box.)Would you like a mint?
The other looks surprised.
One – Why not?
She takes a mint, puts it in her mouth and starts chewing it.
Two – I always keep some on my desk. For the children, you know. It helps put them at ease…
One – Of course…
Two – It’s mint-flavoured.
One – Yes, I can tell…
Two – So you can taste the mint?
One – Yes. Why?
Two – You said you’d lost your sense of taste…
One – Oh, yes… But no! That’s not what I meant! I didn’t explain myself properly… When I said taste, I meant… good taste.
Two – That’s what I thought…
One – This morning, for example, I opened my wardrobe and… well, look what I ended up wearing.
Two – I see…
One – Would you say this is in good taste?
Two – No, not really…
One – Exactly. That’s what I was saying: I’ve completely lost my sense of taste.
Two – Clearly.
One – Can you prescribe something for me, Doctor?
Two – If it were a symptom of an infectious disease, perhaps, but in this case…
One – You can’t leave me like this!
Two – Unless it’s a new virus we haven’t identified yet.
One – The bad taste virus?
Two – And… any idea where you might have caught it?
One – I don’t know… I was in England not long ago…
Two – Well, we’ll start by putting you in quarantine for two weeks, just in case.
One – Quarantine?
Two – We can’t let you go out looking like that!
One – Why not?
Two – Because you might accidentally start a trend! Do you really want to see everyone in the street dressed like that? And know that you were responsible for the disaster?
One – No, of course not…
Two – Then stay at home for a couple of weeks.
One – All right, Doctor…
Two – And then come back and see me. (He gives her clothes one last look.)We’ll see if it’s any better.
One – All right, Doctor. Thank you, Doctor…
The character leaves. The other gets ready to leave as well and sighs.
Two – Honestly, I’ve seen it all… Thank goodness that was my last appointment… I just hope it isn’t too contagious…
He leaves for a moment and returns without his white coat. He is wearing the same hideously tasteless outfit as the other character.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

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A sketch from the collection Lockdown Shorts

Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Bad Taste est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One character in a white coat runs into another wearing the same kind of coat and carrying a file.
One – You all right?
Two – Yeah…
One – You look like you’ve just seen a dead man.
Two – A dead man? More like the opposite…
One – And what’s the opposite of a dead man?
Two – In this case… a resurrection.
One – You saw one of your former patients climb out of a drawer in the morgue?
Two – Almost… The patient in room 301 has just woken up.
One – Room 301?
Two – A guy who’s been here for at least ten years. Don’t you remember?
One – I didn’t even know there was a room 301. I thought this hospital only had 300 rooms.
Two – He was admitted after an accident. And he never came out of his coma.
One – Right… So?
Two – Well, he’s just woken up.
One – Oh, shit…
Two – Yeah, I know… It should be good news, but…
One – Yeah…
Pause.
Two – Ten years ago, he left a world where you could leave home without having to fill in a form, go for a drink with friends, see a film at the cinema… or just wander along the boulevards. And all that without a mask.
One – Yeah… Waking up is going to be a shock. When you tell him that none of that exists any more…
Two – No more cafés, no more restaurants, no more cinemas, no more theatres…
One – Maybe it’s better not to tell him anything…
Two – He’ll find out sooner or later.
One – Yeah…
Two – As long as he’s in hospital, he’ll be fine…
One – But when he gets out into the street…
Two – He’s in for a shock.
One – What did he do for a living?
The other glances at the file, then looks back at his colleague with a dramatic expression.
Two – He worked in the performing arts…
One – Oh, shit… And now his job doesn’t even exist any more…
Two – Maybe I’d better unplug him, then?
One – You just told me he’d woken up!
Two – He’s still on a ventilator…
Pause.
One – I don’t know… Listen to your conscience…
Two – Right.
Pause.
One – No, obviously I was joking.
Two – Of course… So was I…
They both look as though they are not entirely sure how much they are joking.
One – Anyway… I’m sure you’ll make the right decision.
He gives his colleague a pat on the back and walks away. The other remains there, looking perplexed.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Lockdown Shorts

Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Back to Life est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Two characters in costumes suggesting that they personify viruses. They seem to be waiting, pretending not to notice each other, until the first finally decides to greet the other rather timidly.
One – Hello.
Two – Hello.
One – Are you new around here?
Two – You could say that.
One – And like me, you’re waiting for someone to come along.
Two – Shouldn’t take long. This is usually quite a busy street. Well… it used to be.
The first holds out a hand.
One – I’m the flu virus. And you?
After a slight hesitation, the other shakes hands.
Two – Covid-19.
One – I thought so! The famous Covid-19?
Two (with false modesty) – Oh, famous…
One – Come on! You must be joking.
Two – The Spanish flu killed tens of millions of people.
One – But you put a billion people out of work! The lockdown, the state of emergency, the carnage in retirement homes, Black Friday being delayed by a week… That was all you!
Two – That’s true…
One – No, seriously, respect! I’m telling you, you’re my idol.
Two – And how are things with you? Is the autumn-winter season looking good?
One – Oh, you know… We get by.
Two – Sorry to hear that…
One – And I have to admit, you’ve done us a lot of damage… People don’t go out any more.
Two – I’m really sorry…
One – Don’t apologise. Enjoy it while it lasts. Because it won’t last forever, you know…
Two – You think?
One – As soon as they find an effective vaccine…
Two – We can always mutate. Take you, for example: you come back every year. Never quite the same, never quite different…
One – True. We never go out of fashion.
Two – Unlike all those that have been wiped out completely, or nearly: plague, cholera, tetanus… and so many others that thought they were invincible.
One – Apparently cholera is still hanging on pretty well…
Two – Yes, but its glory days are behind it. It’s a disease of the poor…
One – Leprosy, on the other hand, is done for.
Two – Another species on the verge of extinction. Sad, but that’s the way it is… Make way for the young!
One – The young… meaning you.
Two – You said yourself it won’t last forever, so I might as well make the most of it.
One – Ah, here comes someone… Shall I leave this one to you? You can show me what you can do…
Two – I’d offer to share, but… look. He’s wearing a mask and he’s got hand sanitiser in his hand, ready to fire.
One – I’m telling you, you hit too hard. Now they’re wary.
Two – And if we stand around here for an hour, we’re dead.
One – I think I’ll drop by the maternity ward.
Two – Are you having a baby?
One – The maternity ward! The newborns.
Two – Ah, of course… You’re right. The maternity ward is the future. Because retirement homes…
One – They certainly aren’t the future…

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Lockdown Shorts

Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Viral conversation est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

She is already there, wearing a white lab coat. He enters, dressed in everyday clothes.
Her – Good morning, sir. Thank you for agreeing to take part in this experiment, which, I should remind you, is part of a strictly confidential research programme. It’s actually classified as top secret.
Him – Please know that I accepted your offer not for the generous compensation attached to this therapeutic trial, but purely out of civic duty. I’m a practising Catholic, and also a trade unionist. If my modest contribution can help cure Humanity of one of the many ills it still suffers from…
Her – Yes… Well, on that note, let me explain the real purpose of this research programme. It wasn’t something we felt necessary to disclose before participants were officially selected. But now that you’re on board, we owe you full transparency,  about both our objectives and what led us to launch the project. It’s code-named Back to the Future.
Him – Back to the Future?
Her – You’ll soon understand why.
Him – But this is a drug trial, isn’t it?
Her – Well… not exactly.
Him – You’ve piqued my curiosity, Doctor.
Her – In fact, sir… it’s your sperm we’re interested in.
Him – That’s not curiosity anymore, that’s alarm.
Her – Earlier, you mentioned the many afflictions that still plague Humanity.
Him – I was thinking of Ebola, COVID, AIDS…
Her – All very real diseases, and sadly, ones for which there’s still no fully effective vaccine.
Him – But…?
Her – But let’s be honest: if we look at things objectively… are those really the threats that endanger Humanity itself?
Him – No, probably not.
Her – So, in your view, what is the danger driving our planet towards collapse?
Him – I… I’m not sure…
Her – That danger, sir, is Man.
Him – Man?
Her – Well, woman too, of course. I mean the human species as a whole.
Him – Ah, yes…
Her – Overpopulation, deforestation, resource depletion, global warming, nuclear war…
Him – Certainly… but what does my sperm have to do with fixing all that?
Her – Sir, the situation, as we understand it with the tools at our disposal, is even more desperate than you can imagine.
Him – Really…?
Her – And from that grim assessment, we reached the only viable solution to avoid total catastrophe, in other words, the end of the world.
Him – I’m listening…
Her – Faced with all the horrors Man has unleashed, have you ever asked yourself a simple question: When did it all start to go wrong?
Him – Yes, well… And what’s your answer?
Her – It’s painfully obvious: when the ape became Homo sapiens.
Him – I see…
Her – Or from your Catholic perspective: when God created Man.
Him – Are you saying God made a mistake?
Her – Just look at the results. It was a ticking time bomb.
Him – Right… And what exactly are you proposing?
Her – We did consider creating a superman. But that’s been tried, with disastrous consequences. With man, we head for disaster. With superman, we sprint there.
Him – Quite.
Her – So the answer isn’t forward motion, it’s reverse.
Him – Reverse?
Her – A few months ago, the world’s leading scientists, together with top humanities experts, philosophers included, met in secret under the auspices of the UN. They reached a single conclusion: the only sustainable way to save the planet is to regress humanity… back to ape form.
Him – Back? What do you mean, “back”?
Her – Not overnight, of course. But by gradually modifying the genetic traits of our descendants,  through guided natural selection. And that’s where you come in.
Him – Me?
Her – Or at least… your sperm.
Him – You’ll have to explain…
Her – Scientific studies show that, of all demographic groups worldwide, practising Catholics are genetically the closest to apes.
Him – Really?
Her – Actually, the same goes for religious believers more broadly. But when we approached fundamentalists from other faiths, they refused to cooperate…
Him – I see…
Her – And we couldn’t exactly create a new subspecies based solely on the DNA of religious extremists. Some apes are very aggressive, you know…
Him – Quite right…
Her – That’s why we also screened among practising Catholics.
Him – And why me, specifically?
Her – This is where your union membership works in your favour. Statistically, Catholic members of reformist unions tend to be less aggressive and more cooperative.
Him – I see.
Her – So now that you know everything, I must ask you once again, sir: are you willing, by donating your sperm, to contribute to the regeneration of the human race by guiding it back to its simian state?
Him – I must admit… I wasn’t expecting that.
Her – Now you understand the name of our last-chance mission: Back to the Future. By returning Man to a primate condition, we hope that when evolution resumes, he might choose a wiser path.
Him – I’m honoured by your trust, and I’m aware of the responsibility. So yes. I confirm my willingness to take part in this operation to save Humanity.
Her – Thank you, sir. Given what we know about you, I’m not surprised by your response. I’ll be in touch shortly to begin the procedure.
Him – I remain at your disposal.
Her – Thanks to you, in two or three generations, Man will have forgotten he was ever Man.
He exits. She takes out her phone and dials.
Her – You won’t believe it: he said yes…

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Blackouts
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Back to the Future est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.