Viral Conversation – A Comedy Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
Two characters in costumes suggesting that they personify viruses. They seem to be waiting, pretending not to notice each other, until the first finally decides to greet the other rather timidly.
One – Hello.
Two – Hello.
One – Are you new around here?
Two – You could say that.
One – And like me, you’re waiting for someone to come along.
Two – Shouldn’t take long. This is usually quite a busy street. Well… it used to be.
The first holds out a hand.
One – I’m the flu virus. And you?
After a slight hesitation, the other shakes hands.
Two – Covid-19.
One – I thought so! The famous Covid-19?
Two (with false modesty) – Oh, famous…
One – Come on! You must be joking.
Two – The Spanish flu killed tens of millions of people.
One – But you put a billion people out of work! The lockdown, the state of emergency, the carnage in retirement homes, Black Friday being delayed by a week… That was all you!
Two – That’s true…
One – No, seriously, respect! I’m telling you, you’re my idol.
Two – And how are things with you? Is the autumn-winter season looking good?
One – Oh, you know… We get by.
Two – Sorry to hear that…
One – And I have to admit, you’ve done us a lot of damage… People don’t go out any more.
Two – I’m really sorry…
One – Don’t apologise. Enjoy it while it lasts. Because it won’t last forever, you know…
Two – You think?
One – As soon as they find an effective vaccine…
Two – We can always mutate. Take you, for example: you come back every year. Never quite the same, never quite different…
One – True. We never go out of fashion.
Two – Unlike all those that have been wiped out completely, or nearly: plague, cholera, tetanus… and so many others that thought they were invincible.
One – Apparently cholera is still hanging on pretty well…
Two – Yes, but its glory days are behind it. It’s a disease of the poor…
One – Leprosy, on the other hand, is done for.
Two – Another species on the verge of extinction. Sad, but that’s the way it is… Make way for the young!
One – The young… meaning you.
Two – You said yourself it won’t last forever, so I might as well make the most of it.
One – Ah, here comes someone… Shall I leave this one to you? You can show me what you can do…
Two – I’d offer to share, but… look. He’s wearing a mask and he’s got hand sanitiser in his hand, ready to fire.
One – I’m telling you, you hit too hard. Now they’re wary.
Two – And if we stand around here for an hour, we’re dead.
One – I think I’ll drop by the maternity ward.
Two – Are you having a baby?
One – The maternity ward! The newborns.
Two – Ah, of course… You’re right. The maternity ward is the future. Because retirement homes…
One – They certainly aren’t the future…
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A sketch from the collection Lockdown Shorts
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net