Side Effects – A Comedy Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
Two characters, possibly a couple.
One – Do you think we did the right thing?
Two – If it helps.
One – Yes… And anyway, did we really have a choice…?
Two – Exactly.
One – After all, it’s only a vaccine.
Two – If it helps advance the research.
One – Yes… And since we’re not doctors…
Two – We can always be guinea pigs.
Pause.
One – I didn’t quite understand… What exactly is this vaccine for?
Two – I don’t know… It’s new… It’s still experimental…
One – New, fine, but what is it supposed to protect us from?
Two – I don’t think they told us.
One – We’d remember, wouldn’t we?
Two – Yes, probably…
One – So they didn’t tell us.
Two – No.
One – Anyway, even if they had…
Two – They could have told us anything.
One – Exactly.
Pause.
Two – They used to start by testing things on animals.
One – But now there aren’t any animals left.
Two – All the wild animals have disappeared.
One – And animal farming has been replaced by cell culture.
Two – So now they test things directly on humans.
Pause.
One – Do you think there’ll be a lot of side effects?
Two – I don’t know.
Pause.
One – Have you noticed anything yet?
Two – Anything?
One – Side effects.
Pause.
Two – When I showered this morning, I noticed my toenails had turned into claws.
One – Claws? Like a cat’s, you mean?
Two – More like a wolf’s.
One – Oh, right…
Two – I’ve also got a lot more hair on my back.
One – Really?
Two – And my front teeth are getting longer too.
One – Right…
Two – What about you?
One – I noticed my feet had turned into hooves.
Two – Like a horse’s, you mean?
One – More like a sheep’s. And on my back, it’s more like wool.
Two – Must be a side effect.
One – Yes…
Pause.
Two – Or maybe it’s the main effect.
One – The main effect?
Two – A wolf and a sheep…
One – I see what you mean.
Two – Oh, do you…?
One – Maybe they’re trying to repopulate the planet with animals.
Two – If we can help bring back species that have disappeared…
One – Yes.
Two – But then, here in our living room…
One – How are we supposed to live together?
Two – Exactly… A wolf and a sheep…
Pause.
One – Why did they do this?
Two – I don’t know.
One – The wolf’s going to eat the sheep…
Two – And when there are no sheep left, the wolves will have to eat each other.
One – That’ll be the end of our species.
Pause.
Two – But then what exactly is this vaccine against?
One – I don’t know.
Two – The human species?
One – Maybe it’s a conspiracy.
Two – Organised by whom?
One – Viruses?
Pause.
Two – We were right to be suspicious of vaccines.
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A sketch from the collection Lockdown Shorts
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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