Vaccine Candidate – A Comedy Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
One character is already onstage. Another enters dressed as the personification of a vaccine.
One – Hello… So, you’re the vaccine candidate?
Two – That’s me.
One – But tell me… I’ve looked at your CV, and it’s completely blank.
Two – That’s right. I’m new, so I have no experience.
One – I see… So what can you tell me that would convince me to hire you?
Two – I’m 95% effective.
One – Of course… But that’s what they all say. Why should I believe you?
Two – If I wanted to lie to you, I’d say I was 100% effective.
One – Yes… but 95% sounds more credible, doesn’t it? It’s like elections. No dictator ever gets 100% of the vote.
Two – In that case, I could have said I was 51.64% effective. That would have sounded even more credible.
One – But less convincing…
Two – That’s why I thought 95% sounded about right.
One – All right. And what about side effects?
Two – No side effects.
One – None? Come on, that’s not remotely credible. You have to admit…
Two – There have been one or two reported cases of cannibalism, but no formal link to the vaccine has been established.
One – Right…
Two – I should also add that I cost next to nothing and could bring in twice what you spend on me.
One thinks for a moment.
One – All right… We’ll give you a trial.
Two – A trial?
One – A clinical trial!
Two – Thank you for your confidence. You won’t be disappointed, I promise…
One – I hope not. And in a few months, if there aren’t too many victims, you’ll be the candidate who gets our vote. Anything else to add?
Two snaps to attention.
Two – Long live our country, and long live me!
One – Don’t overdo it…
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A sketch from the collection Lockdown Shorts
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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