A Satirical Science Fiction Comedy Sketch for Two Actors About Human Evolution and the Future of Humanity
She is already there, wearing a white lab coat. He enters, dressed in everyday clothes.
Her – Good morning, sir. Thank you for agreeing to take part in this experiment, which, I should remind you, is part of a strictly confidential research programme. It’s actually classified as top secret.
Him – Please know that I accepted your offer not for the generous compensation attached to this therapeutic trial, but purely out of civic duty. I’m a practising Catholic, and also a trade unionist. If my modest contribution can help cure Humanity of one of the many ills it still suffers from…
Her – Yes… Well, on that note, let me explain the real purpose of this research programme. It wasn’t something we felt necessary to disclose before participants were officially selected. But now that you’re on board, we owe you full transparency, about both our objectives and what led us to launch the project. It’s code-named Back to the Future.
Him – Back to the Future?
Her – You’ll soon understand why.
Him – But this is a drug trial, isn’t it?
Her – Well… not exactly.
Him – You’ve piqued my curiosity, Doctor.
Her – In fact, sir… it’s your sperm we’re interested in.
Him – That’s not curiosity anymore, that’s alarm.
Her – Earlier, you mentioned the many afflictions that still plague Humanity.
Him – I was thinking of Ebola, COVID, AIDS…
Her – All very real diseases, and sadly, ones for which there’s still no fully effective vaccine.
Him – But…?
Her – But let’s be honest: if we look at things objectively… are those really the threats that endanger Humanity itself?
Him – No, probably not.
Her – So, in your view, what is the danger driving our planet towards collapse?
Him – I… I’m not sure…
Her – That danger, sir, is Man.
Him – Man?
Her – Well, woman too, of course. I mean the human species as a whole.
Him – Ah, yes…
Her – Overpopulation, deforestation, resource depletion, global warming, nuclear war…
Him – Certainly… but what does my sperm have to do with fixing all that?
Her – Sir, the situation, as we understand it with the tools at our disposal, is even more desperate than you can imagine.
Him – Really…?
Her – And from that grim assessment, we reached the only viable solution to avoid total catastrophe, in other words, the end of the world.
Him – I’m listening…
Her – Faced with all the horrors Man has unleashed, have you ever asked yourself a simple question: When did it all start to go wrong?
Him – Yes, well… And what’s your answer?
Her – It’s painfully obvious: when the ape became Homo sapiens.
Him – I see…
Her – Or from your Catholic perspective: when God created Man.
Him – Are you saying God made a mistake?
Her – Just look at the results. It was a ticking time bomb.
Him – Right… And what exactly are you proposing?
Her – We did consider creating a superman. But that’s been tried, with disastrous consequences. With man, we head for disaster. With superman, we sprint there.
Him – Quite.
Her – So the answer isn’t forward motion, it’s reverse.
Him – Reverse?
Her – A few months ago, the world’s leading scientists, together with top humanities experts, philosophers included, met in secret under the auspices of the UN. They reached a single conclusion: the only sustainable way to save the planet is to regress humanity… back to ape form.
Him – Back? What do you mean, “back”?
Her – Not overnight, of course. But by gradually modifying the genetic traits of our descendants, through guided natural selection. And that’s where you come in.
Him – Me?
Her – Or at least… your sperm.
Him – You’ll have to explain…
Her – Scientific studies show that, of all demographic groups worldwide, practising Catholics are genetically the closest to apes.
Him – Really?
Her – Actually, the same goes for religious believers more broadly. But when we approached fundamentalists from other faiths, they refused to cooperate…
Him – I see…
Her – And we couldn’t exactly create a new subspecies based solely on the DNA of religious extremists. Some apes are very aggressive, you know…
Him – Quite right…
Her – That’s why we also screened among practising Catholics.
Him – And why me, specifically?
Her – This is where your union membership works in your favour. Statistically, Catholic members of reformist unions tend to be less aggressive and more cooperative.
Him – I see.
Her – So now that you know everything, I must ask you once again, sir: are you willing, by donating your sperm, to contribute to the regeneration of the human race by guiding it back to its simian state?
Him – I must admit… I wasn’t expecting that.
Her – Now you understand the name of our last-chance mission: Back to the Future. By returning Man to a primate condition, we hope that when evolution resumes, he might choose a wiser path.
Him – I’m honoured by your trust, and I’m aware of the responsibility. So yes. I confirm my willingness to take part in this operation to save Humanity.
Her – Thank you, sir. Given what we know about you, I’m not surprised by your response. I’ll be in touch shortly to begin the procedure.
Him – I remain at your disposal.
Her – Thanks to you, in two or three generations, Man will have forgotten he was ever Man.
He exits. She takes out her phone and dials.
Her – You won’t believe it: he said yes…
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A sketch from the collection Blackouts
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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