A Philosophical Comedy Sketch for Two Actors About Religion, Memory and the Mystery of the Universe
He is seated, facing the audience. She enters and sits beside him, also facing the audience.
Him – I’m listening, my child…
Her – It’s not easy, Father.
Him – Through me, you confess your sins to our Lord. Remember: a sin confessed is a sin half forgiven. And if your repentance is sincere, whatever you’ve done, you shall be absolved.
Her – The thing is… I’m not sure this is really a sin.
Him – If you believe you’ve committed no sin, why come to confession? But you know, we all sin, alas.
Her – Even you?
Him – Of course. Even me. I am but a man.
Her – So who do you confess to? I’ve always wondered. Like with hairdressers, who cuts their hair? Or doctors. You don’t imagine a doctor falling ill. And yet… they’re only human too…
Him – I believe we’re straying from the point, my child. How long has it been since your last confession?
Her – I’ve never confessed.
Him – In that case, how can you claim to have never sinned? Even if you were a Saint…
Her – I’m no Saint. But what I have to tell you is rather extraordinary.
Him – Well… If it helps you, I’m listening. And together we’ll see whether or not it’s a sin.
Her – Well then, Father, if I may say so humbly… I believe I’ve uncovered the mystery of the universe.
Him – The mystery of…? If this is some sort of joke, let me remind you that mocking the sacrament of confession is, in itself, a sin.
Her – I knew you’d think I was mad… That’s why I came to you. If you won’t listen to me, who will?
Him – All right then. I’m listening…
Her – Well, Doctor…
Him – Father.
Her – Sorry. Well then, Father… I think I’ve figured it all out. How it works. And more importantly, why.
Him – It all?
Her – The world! Life, death, good, evil…
Him – Nothing too ambitious, then?
Her – The universe, galaxies, black holes, aliens…
Him – I see… And how exactly have you come by such universal insight? You’re a scientist, I presume? If so, let’s be clear: my field is doubt, faith, and belief. Not certainty, truth, or knowledge.
Her – That’s the surprising bit. I’m absolutely not a scientist. I’ve always been rubbish at maths, actually. But ever since I was a little girl, I’ve asked myself questions about all this. Haven’t you?
Him – I have… In my own way.
Her – And in your own way, you believe you’ve found the truth.
Him – Let’s focus on what brings you here today…
Her – Of course. I quickly realised I’d never find the answers to questions that humans have been asking for thousands of years, without any luck.
Him – And…?
Her – And yet, just when I’d given up… last night, everything became clear.
Him – Really?
Her – I was fast asleep. I woke up in a sweat. And the answer came to me in a flash.
Him – Don’t tell me you had a divine vision… Saw the Virgin, perhaps?
Her – No, of course not. And as for the secret of the universe… Let’s just say God doesn’t really have much to do with it. That’s partly why I came to you first. So you could, you know… pass it on to your boss.
Him – That’s very thoughtful of you. But just out of curiosity, could you give me an idea of what you think you’ve discovered?
Her – You’ll see, it’s actually incredibly simple.
Him – Biblical?
Her – I was expecting something impossibly complicated. After all, scientists on one side and philosophers on the other have never come close to even a hint of an answer.
Him – And…?
Her – Well… no. It’s very simple. Though obviously quite astonishing. Otherwise, someone else would’ve figured it out before me…
Him – I must admit: you’ve piqued my curiosity. I’m listening…
Her – Because the answer came to me in a dream, I wrote it down straight away, on a scrap of paper. Simple as it was… you know what dreams are like. You forget them the moment you wake up.
Him – Then please don’t keep me waiting. Especially since I have other parishioners waiting for confession after you…
Her – Right. Well then…
Him – Yes?
Her – Hang on, I’ll tell you right now…
Him – I’m waiting.
She rummages in her bag, but can’t find the paper.
Her – Oh, bugger it…
Him – What now?
Her – I’ve no idea what I’ve done with it. I was sure I’d put it in my bag…
Him – But surely you remember the gist of it?
Her – I’m telling you, it’s like a dream. So clear while you’re asleep. So obvious. But…
Him – Yes…?
Her – Oh, it’s no good… It’s on the tip of my tongue…
Him – I see…
Her – No, this is ridiculous… The secret of the universe! I had it, and now… it’s gone.
Him – Really?
Her – No, wait, it’ll come back to me… It had something to do with… Oh hell, I’ve no idea…
Him – Well then. Have you anything else to confess?
Her – No…
Him – In that case, I must ask you to leave. There are others in greater need of spiritual comfort.
Her – Of course. Forgive me. But I’ll think it over, and if it comes back to me…
Him – Yes. Think it over, and come back if it does.
Her – Thank you. How much do I owe you, Doctor?
Him – You may leave an offering in the box on your way out.
Her – It will come back to me, I’m sure… And maybe I’ll find that damn scrap of paper… It wasn’t as long as the Bible, obviously… but still… It all fit into a single sentence.
Him – One sentence?
Her – Sadly… I’ve forgotten it.
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A sketch from the collection Blackouts
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