A Short Comedy Sketch for Two Actors About Memory, Identity and Mutual Dislike
They are standing on opposite sides of the stage. They exchange furtive glances. He finally walks over to her.
Him – Excuse me… I’ve been looking at you for a while and… Please don’t take this the wrong way, but… You’re really not my type…
Her – Thanks…
Him – No, what I mean is… It’s strange, but I feel like I’ve seen you before. Not just in passing. Like I know you.
Her – Oh really…?
Him – Sorry, I must sound completely ridiculous…
Her – Not at all… I mean, yes you are completely ridiculous, but… I feel like I know you too. Really well, in fact.
Him – Oh… So I’m not mad…
Her – That depends.
Him – Depends?
Her – Maybe we met in a psychiatric ward. Would explain why we’ve blocked it out…
Him – Right… So you too…
Her – Absolutely… Your face rings a bell, but… I’ve no idea why.
They look at each other for a moment.
Him – What’s odd is… you look so familiar. I’m sorry, this might sound awkward, but… You wouldn’t happen to be one of my exes?
Her – Wow… As pick-up lines go, that’s a new one. But given I’m clearly not your type… Seems unlikely.
Him – Could explain why it didn’t last. Sorry, I’m being…
Her – Don’t be. For what it’s worth, you’re not my type either.
Him – That’s a relief.
Her – No offence, but… I really don’t like the look of you.
Him – Same here…
Her – I don’t just mean I can’t place your name. I mean your face… there’s something about it I really can’t stand.
Him – That’s funny… I was trying to find a polite way to say the exact same thing.
Her – Well, at least we’ve got that in common.
Him – Yes… But it still doesn’t explain how we know each other, or where we might’ve met.
Her – Mind you, considering the tone we’ve already set… and the depth you’ve just dug yourself into… I’m not sure it’s worth digging any further.
Him – You’re right… Best leave it there. Imagine if it all came flooding back and…
Her – Yes, that would really be…
Him – Some things are better left forgotten.
Her – Absolutely… Imagine if I suddenly remembered that… (She gives him a strange look.) Wait a minute… It’s coming back now…
Him – No…? What?
Her (outraged) – You really don’t remember?!
Him – Er… no, but… wow, we’re suddenly close, huh?
She glares at him, a hateful grin spreading across her face.
Her – You bastard!
Him – Was it that bad?
Her – And you’ve got the nerve to ask me that?!
Him – I’m sorry, I… I honestly don’t remember…
Her – You don’t remember me? After what you did to me?!
Him – I don’t know what to say… I can’t see myself hurting anyone. Let alone a woman. But… I’ve got to admit… there’s something about you I find so deeply irritating… Under extreme circumstances, I guess I might have…
Her – You piece of filth… So you’re not even going to deny it?
Him – I am! I mean… no… Please, just tell me! I need to know now. Whatever it is, I’m ready.
She steps toward him, threatening.
Her – I don’t know what’s stopping me from…
Him – No, go ahead… If you think I deserve it…
Suddenly, she adopts a detached tone, a slight smile on her lips.
Her – I’m just messing with you. I’ve got no idea who you are.
Him – Oh right…
Her – That said… I do think in a past life, I might have killed you. You really have a punchable face. Has no one ever told you that?
Him – Not quite so bluntly, no…
Her – Honestly, I’m surprised.
Him – Yes… I think we’d better leave it there, don’t you?
Her – Sounds wise.
Him – Well then… goodbye.
Her – Goodbye?
Him – I mean, who knows, maybe we’ll bump into each other again.
Her – At least if we do, we’ll know why we feel like we’ve met before.
Him – Exactly… (She’s about to go.) No, but you don’t have to leave…
Her – I was leaving anyway.
Him – I was just going too.
Her – Well… let’s go then.
Him – OK. I was heading that way. You too?
Her – Yes…
Him – Let’s walk a bit together. Maybe it’ll come back to us.
Her – Unless we kill each other first…
Him – That’s always a possibility… I’m liking you less and less by the second.
Her – The feeling’s mutual.
They walk off.
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A sketch from the collection Blackouts
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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