A Satirical Comedy Sketch for Two Actors About Art, Literature and Artistic Pretension
She is already there. He enters, carrying a large notebook.
Her – Hello, hello… Come in, come in…
Him – Thank you, thank you…
Her – It wasn’t too difficult to get here, was it? With all these strikes…
Him – I live just across the street.
Her – Across the street? You mean…
Him – The building opposite.
Her – Oh, I see… I didn’t realise… That’s funny, I was convinced that window on the wall opposite was just trompe-l’œil.
Him – Trompe-l’œil?
Her – Yes. I thought the window was painted on the wall. I’ve never seen anything move behind it.
Him – And yet here I am.
Her – Quite. So from your living room, you can see everything that goes on in here.
Him – Absolutely everything.
She laughs nervously, as if to reassure herself.
Her – Mind you… What could possibly happen in a literary agent’s office that’s worth spying on?
Him – That’s for you to tell me.
Her – Of course, of course… So, how’s the new novel coming along?
Him – I’m nearly finished.
Her – Excellent, excellent… I do hope it’s original, because you know how it is these days… The literary season is more and more overcrowded… So many people writing about their little lives and their little woes, convinced the entire planet will be riveted.
Him – Don’t worry, it’s not auto-fiction.
Her – Thank goodness… What we really need now is a new Robbe-Grillet. A new Perec. A new Butor. Someone who can still shake up the codes of the traditional novel.
Him – You’ll see. It’ll surprise you. I wouldn’t be shocked if you called me a brute when you’re done reading it.
Her – That’s the spirit! Blow it all up, like in ’68! We knew it wouldn’t last, that six months later everyone voted for De Gaulle, and sixty years on Cohn-Bendit would think he is De Gaulle, but still… it was cathartic.
Him – Funny you mention “cathartic”, because… well, you’ll understand when you take a look at my manuscript.
Her – Now you’ve got me intrigued, my dear. I can’t wait to see it. Have you brought me a few juicy pages?
Him – I’m nearly finished. Here, take a look…
He hands her the large notebook.
Her – All right, all right… Oh yes, this is hefty, isn’t it? Not too long, I hope? You know how it is, anything over 200 pages… It’s the SMS generation. People don’t turn pages anymore…
She puts on her reading glasses.
Him – It’s about 900 pages. But don’t worry, it’s a very easy read.
Her – Fine, fine… And what’s the title?
Him – Black and White.
Her – Black and White… A tribute to Stendhal, perhaps?
Him – More to Soulages, actually… That’s what I meant earlier when I said…
Her – Soulages? Goodness… I love Soulages.
Him – In fact, I first thought of calling it Memoirs of Beyond-Black.
Her – Ah yes… a little nod to Chateaubriand, then. But tell me, Stendhal, Chateaubriand… Are you sure this is how you’re going to revolutionise the novel?
Him – Trust me, it’s quite something.
Her – All right, all right… Let’s have a look.
She opens the notebook and starts turning the pages.
Him – I’ll let you take a moment to get a feel for it…
Her – Yes… but tell me. You seem to have left a few blank pages at the beginning. When does it actually start?
Him – It already has.
Her – I beg your pardon?
Him – The blank pages are the beginning.
Her – I’m not sure I follow…
Him – I told you it would surprise you. Look. I calculated that on an average printed page, the black ink, the text, occupies about eight percent of the white page.
Her – Eight percent?
Him – On average. It depends on the font, of course. With a bold typeface, it can go up to nine or even ten percent.
Her – Really…? And so…?
Him – So I decided to separate the black from the white.
Her – I see…
Him – Then I wondered whether I should start with the white and end with the black, or the other way around…
Her – Right…
Him – In the end, I chose to begin with the white… to build a sense of anticipation in the reader, you see?
Her – I see, I see…
Him – A kind of suspense, if you like.
Her – I’m not sure what I like anymore… (Turning pages) So… all the pages are blank.
Him – Not at all. And that’s where it gets interesting. For simplicity’s sake, I went with an even ten percent. So after every nine white pages, there’s one black page.
Her – Black?
Him – Completely black.
Her – Why black?
Him – I knew that would throw you a bit. But that’s what you wanted, isn’t it? Something new?
Her – Yes, well…
Him – That black page, after the nine white ones, concentrates all the ink that should have been used to fill the others. But in my novel, those nine pages stay blank. You follow?
Her – I follow, I follow…
Him – I can see it’s left you a bit perplexed. That’s normal. All innovation is unsettling at first. So if you’ll allow me, I’ll give you a metaphor to help you grasp the revolutionary nature of this work.
Her – A metaphor?
Him – A novel is like an omelette. And let’s face it, we’ve seen every kind of omelette. You can throw in onions, potatoes, herbes de Provence… but it’s still an omelette. What I’m doing here is radical: I’m going back to basics. I separate the whites from the yolks. Or rather, the white from the black. Hence the title.
Her – You’re taking the piss, aren’t you?
Him – I knew you’d say that… But no more than all those painters who sell you a completely white or completely black canvas and pompously call it “monochrome”!
Her – Of course…
Him – This novel is a founding gesture. Later on, of course, I could write others, where the white isn’t quite so white, and the black not quite so black. But always respecting this sacred ratio of ten percent!
Her – Ten percent.
Him – Painters have the golden ratio—why not writers? And just to prove how sacred that number is: ten percent, that’s what you take as my agent on all my royalties!
Her – And you honestly think I’m going to give you an advance for this pile of nonsense?
Him – As I said, I live just across the road… and from my flat, I can see everything that goes on in this office.
Her – Everything?
Him – Everything. I even have video…
Her – I see… And… how much are you asking to forget what you’ve seen?
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A sketch from the collection Blackouts
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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