A sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
A character sits at a table with a drink. Another character arrives.
One – Hey. You here on your own?
Two – Looks like we’re the first ones.
One – I’m not sure how many will show up. Honestly, I almost didn’t come myself.
Two – It’s the first meeting. Maybe they couldn’t get the word out to everyone in time.
One – Just hope the police didn’t get the memo.
Two – You’re not wrong… A Hitmen’s Union… I’m not sure it’s a good idea.
One – True, together we’d be stronger in defending our interests, but still…
Two – Our interests?
One – Standardising our rates, for example. To avoid undercutting each other with unfair competition.
Two – Yeah… But we don’t want to be accused of price-fixing either.
One – Price-fixing?
Two – You’re right. Besides… We’re already working outside the law.
One – Like sex workers.
Two – I think they managed to get health insurance and even pension contributions.
One – Do you think our profession could ever be state-recognised?
Two – Maybe even classified as a public service? After all… Crime has always existed. It always will.
One – It’s the oldest profession in the world. Older than prostitution.
Two – That’s true. Was anyone already on the street when Cain killed Abel?
One – He should have hired a professional; would’ve saved him a lot of trouble.
Two – Murder is a profession, so why not regulate our activity with laws?
One – Yeah… But they’ll say it’s not democratic. Only the wealthy could afford to kill those who annoy them.
Two – Unless it’s reimbursed.
One – By the National Health Service, you mean?
Two – I don’t know…
Pause.
One – So, how’s business going?
Two – A bit dead at the moment.
One – What was your last job?
Two – A woman who didn’t have the courage to end it herself. She wanted me to take care of it.
One – Easy money. At least no one will come complaining.
Two – You’d think. Last minute, she changed her mind. Since she had a credit with me, she asked me to kill her husband instead. Now, things seem to be going better for her… (Pause) And you?
One – I was supposed to take care of an old lady. A bloke had bought her house on a life annuity, and she was already a centenarian.
Two – Bad luck… But it’s cases like that where our profession really serves a social purpose.
One – Right after she signed the contract for me to help her go with dignity, she died bungee jumping.
Two – Bungee jumping?
One – Her grandkids gave it to her as a present for her hundredth birthday.
Two – And the bungee cord snapped…
One – No. Her heart did.
Two – Ah, damn.
One – So the client wanted a refund.
Two – And?
One – A contract’s a contract.
Two – After all, she did die.
One – He wouldn’t listen. Instead of killing the old woman, I had to get rid of the client.
Two – Killing your clients is never good for business.
One – That’s why in cases like these, a union could help resolve business disputes…
A pause. A police siren is heard in the background.
Two – Ah, I don’t think we’ll be alone after all…
Black.
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A sketch from the collection Killer Sketches
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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https://jeanpierremartinez.net