A sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
She is sitting on the couch. He enters.
Him – It’s crazy. I’ve just had another call from a childhood friend inviting me to his 40th birthday. Can you believe it?
Her – If you were all 20 around the same time, it’s not that surprising you’re all turning 40 now.
Him – No, what’s crazy is I hadn’t heard from any of these people in years… and now the phone won’t stop ringing!
Silence.
Her – Are you going?
Him – It makes me a bit nervous. They must’ve changed over the years.
Her – Physically, you mean?
Him – Physically, mentally… I just hope they haven’t completely fallen apart.
Her (teasing) – And what about me? Are you sure I haven’t completely fallen apart?
Him – I’ve had time to adjust to you little by little. But them? All at once… It’s like Night of the Living Dead. It’s strange, this sudden urge to get together when you hit 40.
Her – It’s called a birthday, isn’t it?
Him – They say animals draw closer to humans when they sense the end is near. Must be something like that. A kind of herd instinct. (Pause) What on earth am I going to give him?
Her – A funeral plan?
Him – Isn’t that expensive?
Her – I’m joking… What about you?
Him – I’m joking too.
Her – No, I mean: are you planning anything for your 40th?
Him – What do you want me to do? Got any ideas to stop it from happening? In any case, please, promise me: no surprise party, OK? If I haven’t seen these people in 20 years, there’s probably a good reason.
Silence.
Him – How old are you, exactly?
She looks at him, offended, and doesn’t answer.
Her – Maybe we should invite the neighbours for dinner one evening.
Him – Why?
Her – No reason!
Him – They’ve never invited us.
Her – With that kind of logic…
Silence.
Him – Just because we’re neighbours doesn’t mean we have to be friends.
Her – All our friends live 500 kilometres away! It’s nice having friends nearby…
Him – Yes, convenient. Cuts down on travel costs. So it’s more eco-friendly to socialise with your neighbours.
Silence.
Him – What does he do, anyway?
Her – I’m not exactly sure. I see him leave every morning with a briefcase. No idea where he goes. I’ll ask him next time, if you like.
Him – And her?
Her – They keep to themselves…
Him – Sounds like a cheerful dinner. If we don’t want to seem intrusive…
Her – You can always talk about yourself.
Him – They’ve got kids, haven’t they?
Her – Every day, three children leave the house to go to school. I assume they’re theirs.
Him – Oh yes… A little one, a medium one and a big one… (worried) Do we have to invite them too?
Her – No! We’ll make it clear it’s an adults-only evening. That’ll put them at ease.
Him (suddenly uncertain) – You were talking about the neighbours across the road, right?
Her – The ones next door! The people across the road moved out six months ago after they got divorced. Didn’t you see the For Sale sign?
Him – No.
Her – They didn’t have any children anyway.
Him – Oh, right…
Silence.
Her – Isn’t it our cleaning week, by the way?
Him – Could be. (Sighs) Cleaning really is what holds a couple together… That’s why it’s called a “domestic partnership”, right? Domestic as in vacuuming. And with three people, it’s a ménage à trois.
Her – Three could also be a couple with a child…
Him – Everyone’s got their own fantasies.
Silence.
Her – So?
Him – Do you really think we can afford to have a child right now?
Her – It’s not about money, and you know it… Besides, we’re not that poor…
Him – We will be, with a bunch of kids! Look at what’s happening in Africa with the soaring birth rates… I read a book years ago: False Start in Africa. Well, things haven’t exactly got better, have they? No one seriously thinks Africa has a future anymore… except maybe with continental drift. The more children people have, the poorer they get…
Her – Are you sure it’s not the other way round?
Him – Either way, if poor people stopped having children, in one generation everyone would be rich. Look at the Chinese. Now they’re only allowed one child. And things are already looking up…
Her – Then let’s start by having just one.
Him – When would we even take care of this child? We can’t even find time to sweep the floor!
Her – We’d get a cleaner.
Him – And where would we put the baby?
Her – You could move your office downstairs.
Him – Great start… And you? Planning to stop working?
Her – We’ll get a nanny.
Him – On top of the cleaner? That’s not a household anymore, it’s a small business! I’m not sure I’ve got the entrepreneurial spirit…
Silence.
Him – We won’t be able to go out in the evenings.
Her – We’ll get a babysitter.
Him – I never realised how directly birth rates affect employment.
Her – And consumption.
Him – Nappies, baby food, toys, medical care…
Her – A new car…
Him – You know what, you’re right. I think this child could save the country from recession.
Black.
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A sketch from the collection Him and Her
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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