A Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
A character is present, dressed as discreetly as possible (trench coat and dark glasses, for example). A second character arrives, in an old-fashioned bourgeois style. They hesitate a bit before addressing the first.
Two – Hello, I am…
One – Not so fast… Do you have the password?
Two – Ah, yes, that’s right, the password… What was it again…? My memory’s not what it used to be, you know… And you told me not to write it down anywhere. So let me think… Got it! A pear a day keeps the doctor away…
One – Provided you aim well.
Two – That’s from Churchill, isn’t it? I hope you’re not just going to offer me blood, toil, tears, and sweat like he did.
One – Actually… It’s not a pear, it’s an apple, but well… Let’s not be too rigid.
Two – An apple, of course… A pear, I don’t know why I said that… But the truth is that things are going pear-shaped for me.
One – Right… So…?
The other extends their hand to introduce themselves.
Two – Charles Swindlemore von Hustlestein. Thank you for seeing me…
One – Dominic Dupont, from the Dupont and Dupont and Sons Detective Agency.
Two – Mr Dupont…
One – Of course, that’s not my real name, as you might guess.
Two – Obviously.
One – You can call me DD.
Two – DD?
One – Dupont and Dupont…
Two – Of course.
One – Are you sure no one followed you?
Two – I changed taxis three times to get here, as you instructed. And I left my mobile at home to avoid being tracked.
One – Very good, so I’m listening.
Two – It’s not easy to say, you know… At my age, I never thought I’d get to this point…
One – Don’t worry, I’m used to it… So, what is it? Adultery? Heir search? Industrial espionage?
Two – I want… you to find someone for me.
One – Very well… A long-lost friend? A youthful love? An illegitimate child?
Two – More like… a general practitioner who’s still taking new patients.
One – I see…
Two – I know my request might seem surprising…
One – You’re the third this week.
Two – Oh really…?
One – Unfortunately, I don’t perform miracles.
Two – I understand. But will you at least let me hope…?
One – These days, you know, finding a GP for a healthy patient is harder than finding a man’s wife’s lover.
Two – I can imagine. But I’ve tried everything, believe me. I even consulted a fortune teller.
One – I see…
Two – She found me an old doctor in Normandy. I was even ready to move there.
One – To Normandy?
Two – Yes, I thought the same, it’s a bit radical, but well… I didn’t even have to make that difficult decision. He died a few days later.
One – Goes to show, you can be a doctor and still have fragile health.
Two – He was 102 years old.
One – Ah yes…
Two – I even made a pilgrimage to Lourdes, but there too…
One – It’s a medical desert…
Two – You’re my last hope…
One – The thing is, nowadays… For a doctor to accept a new patient, one of their current patients has to die first.
Two – I’m fully aware of that.
One – And to take the deceased’s place, you have to be the first to know about their death.
Two – That’s what I’ve gathered.
One – Which isn’t always very reassuring.
Two – And why’s that?
One – Choosing a doctor whose patients are dropping like flies…
Two – True, I hadn’t thought of that.
One – If you like, I can refer you to a colleague.
Two – Another detective, you mean? More specialised in the medical field.
One – I was thinking more… of a hitman.
Two – I’m not sure I understand…
One – As I said, for a spot to open up…
Two – A patient has to die.
One – So if you commission the execution yourself, of course…
Two – I’ll be the first to know that a spot has opened up…
One – And at least in that case, the responsibility for the patient’s death won’t lie with their doctor.
Two – Which would allow me to hope that they’re not necessarily a terrible doctor.
One – That’s all I can offer you, unfortunately.
Two – I’ll need some time to think about it.
One – Not too long, because you know… Hitmen are also getting a bit overwhelmed these days. At least the more professional ones.
Two – The more professional ones…?
One – You need someone quite discreet. You wouldn’t want to end up in prison for commissioning a murder.
Two – Then again… In prison, at least I’d probably have a dedicated doctor.
One – That, my dear friend, is far from certain.
Two – Right… A hitman it is… Do you have someone trustworthy to recommend?
The other hands him a business card.
Two – Smith and Wesson and Sons, certified hitmen.
One – Of course, those aren’t their real names either, I imagine.
Two – Strangely enough, they are.
One – Right. Thank you, Doctor. I mean, thank you, Mr Dupont…
Two – At your service…
One – And otherwise… you wouldn’t happen to know a good dentist…? (The other looks at him but doesn’t reply) Alright…
Blackout.
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A sketch from the collection Enough is enough!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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