A Monologue by Jean-Pierre Martinez
Hello! I’m the replacement. So let me introduce myself, because I’m not sure everyone knows me. I’m God. No, but please, remain seated. No need to stand, seriously. I know, at first, it’s a bit intimidating, but you’ll see, you’ll quickly get used to my presence. Soon you won’t even see me, and you’ll act as if I don’t exist. Just like with my predecessor. Now, of course, you’re probably wondering how one becomes God, it’s only natural. You might be thinking, ‘Okay, he’s escaped from the asylum, along with his buddy who believes he’s Napoleon.’ No, but I don’t think of myself as Jesus Christ, alright? Everyone knows that Jesus Christ died 2,000 years ago. And I didn’t have the look for Jesus, you know? It wouldn’t fly. It wouldn’t be believable. And truth be told, it wouldn’t be accurate! But now, God – that’s a whole different story. God doesn’t have a specific look. He’s this omnipresent force, everywhere yet nowhere to be seen. When you talk to Him, He remains silent. And let’s be honest, He hasn’t exactly been making waves lately, has He? I mean, just look at the Church’s struggles to greenlight a couple of posthumous miracles… And even when they manage to approve one, it’s not exactly leaving the audience awestruck. I mean, it’s not like I misplaced the keys to my 4×4, watched the Pope on TV, and poof! Miraculously, they reappeared in the lining of my jacket. Or dealt with colon cancer, endured 23 rounds of chemo, had my entire intestine removed, and took a pilgrimage to Lourdes, only to miraculously emerge with a stomach tube and an artificial anus. It’s a far cry from the Red Sea parting or water skiing barefoot on the Sea of Galilee without a speedboat, isn’t it? Well, between us, that did have some bloody style. It’s understandable that back then, it might have inspired vocations. Sure, God created the world. The Big Bang, Adam and Eve, the dinosaurs, all in just one little week. It’s true; at the beginning, He did quite a job. But since then…? Nowadays, God is more of an honorary title. Almighty, you say… He has about as much power as the Queen of England, really. So I thought to myself, Bernard, there’s a vacancy. Yes, I probably shouldn’t spill the beans, but before becoming God, my name was Bernard… Alright, it’s an unpaid gig, but you know… The Pope isn’t in it for the dosh either. But to become Pope, you’ve still got to hit the books. You’ve got to put in your application, go through the elections… To be God, you don’t bother with all that hassle. Well, starting to be God is like quitting smoking. Initially, it’s not a piece of cake… After that, you just have to stick with it, that’s all… It’s a matter of willpower, you see. You just have to believe in yourself. If you don’t believe in yourself… So, I know why you’re here, right. Not for the small collection at the end. What you’re hoping for when you turn to me is that I’ll bring you the good word. For instance, you’re hoping I’ll discreetly reveal the jackpot numbers for the next sports lottery, complete with the bonus ball. Well, that’s not quite how it works. I’m not here to make you plead, but, you know… If it were as simple as asking, everyone would know. No, I won’t do more than my predecessor, but I assure you, I’ll be on top of things. You won’t see me either, but I’ll always be by your side, just like Him. So, just give me a heads up—be it a sick child, looming layoffs, or a family tragedy. A swift phone call, and I’ll be on the scene. Day or night, rain or shine. I’ll leave my mobile number at the front desk. You’ll have to foot the bill for the call, but, you know… If I don’t pick up, leave a message on my voicemail… (Looking at his watch) Oh, there… It’s not that I’m bored, but duty calls elsewhere. I can be everywhere, alright, but not all at once. Take my word for it: give it a week or two, you won’t even notice the difference from the previous guy.
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A sketch from the collection Like a fish in the air
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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