A Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
A character is seated at a table. On the table, a bottle of champagne sits in an ice bucket with two glasses. Another character arrives.
One – Have you been here long?
Two stands up.
Two – Just five minutes. How are you?
They exchange a hug before sitting back down.
One – I’m good. And you?
Two – I’m fine.
One – Champagne? What’s the occasion?
Two – Can’t you guess?
One – Obviously… So, how does it feel to be another year older?
Two – You remembered… That’s thoughtful.
One – Better than that… (He takes an envelope from his pocket and hands it over.) Here, I didn’t know what to get you, so… here you go.
Two looks a bit hesitant.
Two – An envelope? What is it?
One – Open it, and you’ll see…
Two – Let’s toast first, while it’s nice and cold.
He fills their glasses. They toast.
One – Cheers! Happy birthday!
Two – Thanks! Cheers!
They drink.
One – So, aren’t you going to open it?
Two still doesn’t look too enthusiastic.
Two – Oh, yes, right… I’m intrigued… What could it possibly be?
He opens the envelope.
One – I wasn’t sure what you’d like, so I thought, at least, this would be an original gift.
Two – Don’t tell me it’s another voucher for a parachute jump or something…
He pulls a piece of paper from the envelope and looks at it.
One – Well?
Two – A voucher… for a hitman.
One – Told you… it’s original.
Two (still reading) – “Take out anyone you like…”
One – You just need to fill in the name of the target in the blank space.
Two – The target?
One – The person you’d love to get rid of!
Two – Right…
One – To make sure there’s no mistake, you can also add the address and attach a photo.
Two – Got it…
One – Do you like it?
Two – Yes, it’s… It’s definitely an original gift.
One – So… have you thought of anyone yet?
Two – Thought of anyone?
One – The name of the person you’ll put in the blank space!
Two – Oh, I… Not yet… I’ll have to think about it…
One – Be careful, you only get one name. And you can’t do it again. That’s clearly stated in the contract.
Two – Right…
One – Otherwise, it might look suspicious, you see.
Two – Of course. Well… Yes, I’ll give it some thought…
One – Don’t take too long, though, okay? It’s valid for only a year.
Two – Got it…
One – They promise to execute the contract within six months of receiving the form. Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back!
Two – No, no, it’s… It’s a fantastic gift.
One – Surely, you’ve got someone in mind… If you had to take out just one person on this earth…
Two – A name does come to mind but…
One – Well, it’s specified that it has to be an ordinary person, yeah? Not a sitting president, a TV presenter, or any celebrity. No, someone like family, a friend or…
Two – A friend?
One – A friend who’s betrayed you.
Two – Betrayed me?
One – Someone who slept with your wife, for instance.
Two – Are you telling me my wife is cheating on me?
One – Not at all! It’s just an example. It could be… I don’t know… Your mother-in-law, your boss, your tax inspector… Or even your wife, for that matter.
Two – Because she’s cheating on me?
One – Because you can’t stand her anymore! You want your freedom back, but you’re not keen on paying alimony for the rest of your life either.
Two – I get on very well with my wife.
One – Don’t tell me there isn’t someone in your life who wouldn’t make things a bit easier by… not being around.
Two – To the point of killing them? No, can’t think of anyone…
One – You’re so frustrating sometimes… I don’t know, just… someone who annoys you.
Two starts to lose patience.
Two – Someone who annoys me… like, say, someone who gives me ridiculous gifts every year for my birthday, for example?
One – Do you think I always give you ridiculous gifts?
Two – Last year, it was a gift certificate for ten sessions with a psychotherapist! And the year before that, it was a package to arrange my own disappearance!
One – And yet, you didn’t even use that one.
A pause.
Two – I’m going to put your name down…
The other watches him scribbling on the paper, looking uneasy.
One – Now, now, you can still think it over… Shall I top up your glass?
Black.
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A sketch from the collection Killer Sketches
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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