A man, sitting on the bed, stands up with a suitcase in hand. The woman arrives in an extraterrestrial-like jumpsuit.
Woman – Hello, darling.
Man – But I don’t understand… Where is the…
Woman – The Reaper? I sent her to get us two coffees from the vending machine. I didn’t think it would be so easy to get rid of her. But we don’t have time to waste…
Man – So it was true? Am I really married?
Woman – As true as I am an extraterrestrial.
Man – But how is that possible?
Woman – It’s a bit of a complicated story… In fact, it’s my mother who… But I’ll tell you during the journey.
Man – What journey?
Woman – I’m going to take you to the planet I come from.
Man – And then, what’s going to happen?
Woman – Believe me, our hospitals are much more advanced than this one.
Man – And I assume there’s no risk of encountering a Romanian intern there.
Woman – None.
He looks around.
Man – And we’ll never come back here?
Woman – Don’t tell me you’ll miss this place.
Man – I was getting used to it.
Woman – If you’d prefer to wait for the Reaper to return from the Psychiatry Department with her thermos and plastic scythe. After all, you’ve already received the last rites. You can give it a try with the priest…
Man – I don’t trust him too much… Pascal’s wager… I’ve never been lucky with bets. Besides, I’ve never been lucky in general. Even the last-ditch operation failed, so the operation of the Holy Spirit…
Woman – Would you rather trust an extraterrestrial?
Man – If she looks like my wife, why not? So we’ll never come back…
Woman – Well, maybe someday. But not right away.
Man – In a very long time, you mean?
Woman – Time… That’s what you’ll have to forget… Now, we have to go; I see the other one getting impatient over there with her real plastic scythe…
Man – She’ll be disappointed for sure. I just told her I was going to pee…
Woman – She imagines that after their death, people go straight to Heaven, accompanied by their guardian angel. We didn’t want to upset her.
Man – In the end, in my case, she’s not entirely wrong. Except that my guardian angel is a Martian.
Woman – That’s why I prefer we leave before she returns. God is like Santa Claus; the day you see him is the day you stop believing in him
She reaches out her hand.
Man (hesitating) – Will my mother be there too?
Woman – I told you… It’s not paradise… Even the Virgin Mary will be there.
Man – I never thought I’d hear that one day. I’m still wondering if I haven’t gone crazy.
Woman – Life is a long therapy from which we don’t always emerge cured.
Man – It’s also a long illness from which we always come out dead. What does this operation consist of?
Woman – A brain transplant.
Man – Ah… We better make a backup then…
Woman – We’re going to transplant a Martian brain into you. Unfortunately, we won’t be able to retrieve the data you currently have in memory.
Man – Well… I hardly remembered anything anyway. And I didn’t have only good memories either. After all, it’s not that bad. No, I do not regret anything. I’m starting from scratch…
Woman – That reminds me of a song…
Man – With you… I would go to the ends of the earth… If you asked me to…
She takes his hand.
Woman – So let’s go…
They exit.
Blackout.
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A sketch from the collection Not even dead
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