A sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
Two characters are seated at a café table, each with a glass of red wine.
One – Cheers!
Two – Cheers!
They take a sip. The first grimaces. The other seems to enjoy it.
One – It’s really awful, isn’t it?
Two – Yes, but to me, it tastes like freedom.
One – Why? You just got out of prison?
Two – Almost. My in-laws are staying at mine for the holidays. I managed to sneak out for an hour.
One – Ah, tough break.
Two – I told them I was going to check the oil in the car.
One – Don’t you drive an electric?
Two – Yeah… You see what it’s come to…
One – Right…
Two – They’ve only been here two days, and I’m already sick of them. Especially my father-in-law…
Silence.
One – Want me to get rid of him for you?
Two – You mean, take them in? If my wife agrees, I’d hand them over immediately. I’m willing to pay, you know. I’d pay double the B&B rate because, trust me, they’re no gift.
One – No, I meant… make them disappear.
Two – Disappear? You’re a magician? Unfortunately, whenever a magician makes someone disappear, they always reappear after a few minutes. What good would that do? And you’re not a magician, are you?
One – No, of course not… No, I mean make them disappear… for good.
The other one is taken aback.
Two – Very funny.
One – I’m not joking.
Two – For good…?
One – I know a guy who could take care of it, if you want.
Two – You’re kidding?
One – Not at all.
Two – You mean… a hitman?
One – He’d only do it as a favour, though. Not for free, of course.
Two – You know hitmen?
One – No, I don’t know… hitmen. But I know one.
Two – Well, I don’t know any, you see. Where did you meet this guy?
One – In prison.
Two – In prison?
One – We shared a cell for three years.
Two – You’ve been to prison?
One – Yeah.
Two – What for?
One – What for?
Two – Why did they lock you up? What did you do?
One – Attempted murder.
Two – Attempted?
One – I botched the job. I wasn’t very skilled. But this guy’s a pro, I swear. He’s taken out more than a few, I guarantee it.
Two – You’re pulling my leg here…
One – Not at all.
Two – You’re serious?
One – Deadly serious.
The other takes this in, processing the information.
Two – That’s crazy. I didn’t know hitmen existed outside of movies. So, you just place an order, like ordering a pizza, and…
One – Yes. It’s called a contract.
The other thinks again.
Two – A contract… And how much would it cost? I mean, just out of curiosity?
One – It depends…
Two – Depends on what?
One – Well, is it just for one, or for both of them? Since you said it’s mostly your father-in-law who…
Two – I don’t know. How much would it be per person?
One – I’d have to ask him… Around 8,500 euros maybe.
Two – That’s… oddly specific.
One – He’d probably give you a deal for the pair.
Two – How much?
One – For a couple… about 15,000.
Two – We’re talking VAT included, I assume.
One – Cash is simpler, unless you need an invoice.
Two (thinking) – Right…
One – Want me to ask him?
Two – No, not at all… I said “right” as in… I get it. Obviously, I don’t agree. (Pause) Although it’s pretty tempting…
One – Yeah.
Two – And it’s risky, isn’t it? I mean… the perfect crime doesn’t exist.
One – What makes you say that?
Two – I don’t know… that’s what they say.
One – By definition, perfect crimes aren’t classed as crimes. They’re accidents, natural deaths, suicides… So, if a perfect crime exists, we wouldn’t know about it. That’s why they say it doesn’t exist.
Two – I see… To avoid inspiring people.
One – For all we know, out of a hundred people who die, ten could be victims of perfect crimes, and we’d have no idea.
Two – You really think so?
One – I’ve known quite a few who’d committed perfect crimes.
Two – Really? And where did you meet them?
One – In prison.
Two – If they’d committed perfect crimes, what were they doing in prison?
One – Oh, they were in prison for something else.
Two – Yeah… Not very reassuring. I think I’ll take some time to consider it. And fifteen grand, that’s a fair sum…
Pause.
One – And your in-laws are planning to stay with you every holiday?
Two – Yeah… that’s why I’m not saying no straight away…
One – Suit yourself.
Two – On the other hand, I don’t want to end up in jail, like you.
Pause.
One – There’s always kidnapping.
Two – Kidnapping?
One – It’s less permanent, but… if you get caught, the sentence is lighter. Plus, you can ask for a ransom.
Two – A ransom?
One – And with the ransom, you can pay the kidnapper. Costs you nothing. Play your cards right and you might even make a profit.
Two – A ransom… Who’d pay a ransom to free my father-in-law? My mother-in-law, maybe, but even that’s doubtful. Besides, she’s broke.
One – No other family?
Two – Well, there’s my brother-in-law. And my sister-in-law. They’re arriving next week.
One – They’re staying with you too?
Two – Yeah, unfortunately.
One – Ah, tough break…
Two – Quite.
Pause.
One – Don’t tell me you want to get rid of them too.
Two – Depends. For four, would your mate give me a big discount?
One – Best not make it too obvious. Are there a lot more people you’d like to get rid of?
Two – Can’t stand my parents either… And don’t get me started on my two sisters and their idiot husbands.
One – They coming over for the holidays too?
Two – Oh no! They’re not invited. But they still drive me up the wall. And once the holidays are over, there’s my boss…
One – Just so you know, my friend’s a hitman, not a mass shooter like in America.
Two – Right, because as long as there’s one left to get on my nerves… No, I won’t go down that road. It’d never end. And I don’t have the funds…
The other stands up.
One – In that case, I’m off.
Two – Yeah, me too. Got people waiting for me at home…
One – Well then… Enjoy your holidays.
Two – Cheers…
One – And if you change your mind, you’ve got my number.
Two – OK… Who are you spending the holidays with?
One – Just the wife.
Two – Don’t tell me the others…
One – If I told you… it wouldn’t be the perfect crime.
He leaves. The other is left thoughtful for a moment and then exits as well.
Black.
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A sketch from the collection Killer Sketches
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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