A Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
The landlord is behind the counter, reading the newspaper. A man and a woman arrive and sit at a table.
Her – Just to let you know, I don’t have much time… I have to get back to work in an hour. And my boss is just waiting for an opportunity to fire me…
Him – Thanks for sacrificing your lunch break for me.
Her – No, but I’m not sacrificing anything for you… (Looking at the menu) I’m going to have something to eat here. Aren’t you?
Him – Yes, yes, of course, I mean… Thanks for agreeing to have lunch with me.
She puts the menu down. A pause.
Her – So, you had something to tell me…
Him – Yes…
Awkward silence.
Her – I’m listening…
The landlord glances intrigued at them.
Him – I’m not sure how to say it…
Her – Since we don’t have much time, let me help you a bit… You want to go out with me, right?
Him (taken aback) – Yes, well…
The landlord interrupts this somewhat pathetic scene, arriving.
Landlord – What can I get you?
Her – A Niçoise salad… without anchovies and without tuna.
Him (jokingly) – A ham and butter sandwich… without butter. (The woman doesn’t laugh, and the landlord gives him a cold look.) No, just kidding. A ham and butter sandwich, please.
Landlord – One Niçoise and one Parisian sandwich. Coming right up.
The landlord leaves.
Her – Do you eat meat?
Him – Uh… yes. Well, no.
Her – But you eat ham…
Him – Yes, but… Ham isn’t really considered meat, is it?
Her – Have you seen the latest investigation by PETA on pig farming in cages?
Him – No.
Her – I think if you had, you wouldn’t eat ham anymore…
Him – I’m sorry, I… I didn’t know…
Her – That’s what the Germans said after the war about the camps.
Him – What did they say?
Her – “I didn’t know…”
Him – Okay… so… you’re a vegetarian.
Her – Vegan.
Him – Okay…
Her – You don’t know the difference, do you?
Him – No.
Her – I don’t eat any animal products. I don’t wear leather either. No fur, obviously.
Him – In this weather…
Her – Sorry?
Him – No, I mean… I don’t wear fur either. That’s a start, isn’t it?
Her – Listen, I’ll be frank with you. I could never date a guy who eats ham. But we can be friends if you want… We’re not closed-minded, after all.
Him – Is it that serious? I mean… It’s just a slice of ham.
Her – Do you know how that pig was raised? How it lived? How it was slaughtered?
Him – No.
Her – Have you ever visited a pig farm?
Him – No.
Her – Have you ever visited a slaughterhouse?
Him – No… and you?
Her – Me neither, but I’ve seen many videos about it.
Him – Okay… No, but… I don’t really care that much about ham… I mean, meat in general.
Her – So, you could become vegan just to go out with me?
Him – Why not? Of course! Absolutely…
Her – And if I were Muslim or Jewish, and asked you not to eat pork and convert to my religion, would you do it?
Him – Are you Muslim?
Her – It’s just a supposition. So?
Him – I don’t know… Maybe… I’m Catholic, but… It’s the same with meat, I don’t really care that much…
Her – You’re quite easily influenced, it seems.
Him – Or… I really want to go out with you.
Her – Yeah… but it wouldn’t be out of conviction.
Him – That I would date you?
Her – That you would stop eating meat! It would just be to date me.
Him – Yes, well…
Her – And as soon as I dumped you, you would go back to eating meat.
Him – We’re not even dating yet, and you’re already thinking of dumping me?
A pause.
Her – What’s your worst food experience?
Him – Sorry?
Her – The worst meal of your life, if you prefer.
Him (jokingly) – I hope it’s not going to be this one… (She remains stone-faced.) No, I… I don’t know…
Her – Well, I can tell you.
Him – Okay.
Possibly melodramatic music accompanies the narration of this traumatic episode.
Her – I must have been around ten years old. We were invited with my parents to their friends’ house. A doctor and his wife. They weren’t really friends, in fact. They were just our new neighbours. My mother had invited them over once to welcome them to the neighbourhood, and they were returning the invitation. My parents are very simple people. It must have flattered them to be invited to dinner by a surgeon. They probably expected these high-class people to go all out. So we have drinks, chat a bit, and then sit at the table. It’s true that the dishes were made of porcelain, and the tablecloth was immaculately white. There were so many utensils on the table that we wondered which one to use first. Then comes the main course, after a green salad, and what does the surgeon place on the table?
The music abruptly stops.
Him – You’re scaring me…
Her – A heart!
Silence.
Him – A human heart?
Her – No, not really… Well, I don’t think so. I imagine it was a beef heart.
Him – A beef heart… I didn’t even know that was edible… The soft one, maybe… For cats… It’s the lungs, I think… But a heart!
Her – And those two sadists had the nerve to ask us if we liked it.
Him – And then?
Her – My parents are extremely polite people… So, invited to a doctor’s house, you can imagine… My mother politely answers: “Of course, you bet. We’ve never eaten it before, but well, there’s a first time for everything, right?”
Him – Oh, damn…
Her – And my father adds: “Oh yes, beef heart, that’s original, it’s a change of pace. That’s true, we never think about it, we should have it more often, right, dear?” Meanwhile, I’m disgusted, of course. I say I don’t like it. My mother insists: “Until you’ve tasted it, you can’t say you don’t like it!” And the doctor lectures us: “You know, in primitive tribes, warriors used to eat the hearts of their enemies to gain their strength.” And the doctor’s wife adds: “In any case, beef heart is very good for your health. It’s full of proteins. And don’t we say ‘strong as an ox’?” And there I am, with a huge piece of heart on my plate.
Him – Wasn’t there anything else to eat?
Her – Just green salad.
Him – Heart with salad…
Her – It’s not easy to cut either, I can tell you. Like a rubber sole, you know? Have you ever eaten it?
Him – A rubber sole…?
Her – And everyone chewing their beef heart before forcing themselves to swallow it. All the while, talking about the weather, as if it were perfectly normal.
Him – And is it good? I mean… What does it taste like?
Her – Nothing. It had the texture of chewing gum. Since then, I’ve never chewed gum again. And, above all, from one day to the next, I became vegan. Even before the word existed. I even wonder if I didn’t invent the concept…
Him – Oh yes… That’s enough to be traumatized forever…
Her – Wait… what if you were right…?
Him – Sorry?
Her – Now I’m wondering if it really was a beef heart.
Him – No?
Her – Well, he was a surgeon, you see… When they transplant a new heart into a patient, we don’t really know what they do with the old one. I imagine there aren’t many patients asking to keep it as a souvenir in a jar.
Him – Do you think there are cannibal surgeons?
The landlord returns with the sandwich and salad.
Landlord – Here you go. A Parisian ham and butter sandwich and a Niçoise salad without anchovies or tuna. I replaced them with mackerel. (The woman gives him a deadly look, and he continues deadpan.) Just kidding. Enjoy your meal.
The man looks at his sandwich before pushing it away.
Him – No, you’re right. It wouldn’t be honest of me.
Her – What?
Him – To quit eating meat just to date you. I have to believe in it.
Her – That’s for sure…
Him – The problem is, quitting meat is like quitting smoking. When you’re addicted…
Her – So, you’re giving up…
Him – I know what I have to do.
Her – Now you’re scaring me.
Him – I’m going to the butcher’s shop right across the street. I’m going to buy a beef heart and eat it whole. After that, I think I’ll be permanently disgusted by meat. Just like you.
Her – You’d do that for me? You’d eat a bovine heart?
Him – What do you think?
He gets up. Surprised, she stands up too.
Her – But… you’re going now?
Him – If I think too much about it, I might not be able to do it.
Her – And… do you have a recipe?
Him – I’m going to eat it raw. I’m a warrior, right?
Her – Well…
Him – Okay, wish me luck.
He hugs her, playing on the element of surprise,he kisses her on the mouth for a long and passionate moment. He leaves. She watches him go, puzzled. The landlord, who saw everything, returns.
Landlord – Didn’t he like the Parisian ham and butter sandwich?
Her – He decided to become vegan.
Landlord – Well, he seems really motivated…
Her – Yes…
Black.
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A sketch from the collection Open Hearts
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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