Dear fellow citizens, my wishes will be half as long as usual because on this 31st of December at 8 PM, we’re in a state of emergency, and time is running out. To begin with, I have a turkey waiting for me at home, and it’s quite a tough one. I might have gone a tad overboard: I’m not even sure it’ll squeeze in my oven in one piece. With the cooking time at an hour per kilo, I’m looking at a potential turkey-eating marathon that might extend well into mid-January. Now, let’s put that hefty turkey aside and circle back to the main issue—you, my dear fellow citizens. As the Head of State, my responsibility is to bring your attention to the dire state of our country as I address you. When this year kicked off, we had a full 365 days ahead of us. Now, there’s just one left. That stark reality highlights how our nation’s deficit persistently expands, inching wider day by day, year after year. Rest assured, I have just sent up a prayer to God, asking for a divine extension on our credit line for a few more months starting tomorrow. But I must warn you: our nation cannot continue to spend its time recklessly. Henceforth, as of January 1st, my decision is to replace only one day out of every two. The coming year will therefore only have six months. It will begin on the 1st of January and end on the 30th of June. On that date, I’ll stand before you once again to extend my heartfelt New Year wishes. I get that these necessary changes for our nation might demand some adjustments on your part. However, take comfort in the fact that, thanks to the overall warming of the planet, soon you won’t discern much difference between the seasons, and every year will blend seamlessly into the next. Those without a summer will just be slightly more off-kilter than the rest. In perfect alignment with this reform, set to double the efficiency of our annual tax collection, I have also decided on a strong measure: the abolition of the transition from daylight saving time to standard time, which has divided the nation for years. From now on, there will only be one time, but only for six months a year! My dear fellow citizens, I wish you an excellent half-year. I believe in the bright side of the force, and I won’t leave you. Long live the Republic, and half-long live our country.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Like a fish in the air
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Half-Wishes to the Nation est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

He’s there, not fully awake. She walks in, full of energy.
Her (towards the audience) – Did you see? They’re back!
Him – Who? The audience?
Her – Yes, not the Invaders!
He gives her a tired look.
Her – I’ve got so much energy this morning… I slept like a baby!
Him – Good for you…
Her – Some days are just like that… I must’ve gotten up on the right side of the bed.
Him – Mmm…
Her – I’m starving! Aren’t you?
Him – Not really…
Her – I feel like I’ve eaten amphetamines. Must be spring. Doesn’t it have that effect on you?
Him – I don’t know… I’ve never eaten amphetamines…
Her – For me, one ray of sunshine and boom! Life’s all rosy.
Him – Lucky you.
Her – I should’ve been born in a country where it’s sunny all year round.
Him – That exists?
Her – In the tropics!
Him – They have the rainy season.
Her – Oh, right…
Him – It lasts six months.
Her – That long?
Him (pointing to the audience) – Why do you think they all flock to Costa Brava in August? In the tropics, the good weather is in winter. In summer, it’s crap.
Her – At least there, you get good weather for half the year, and you know exactly when. It’s more organized than here. You don’t have to wonder every morning if you should take your umbrella. And when you do, you know it’s for six months.
Him – It’s the same in Antarctica. The year is split in two. Day in summer, night in winter.
Her – You could always hibernate, like polar bears.
Him – Yeah… But now with the melting ice… You go to bed in October, and wake up in April drifting on an iceberg off the coast of the Canary Islands…
She sighs.
Her – And what about a country with 365 days of summer and winter spread over the 365 nights? Doesn’t exist? Who cares if it’s cold at night? We’re asleep.
Him – Doesn’t exist.
Her – I should’ve been born on another planet.
Him – Sometimes I wonder if you weren’t…
A beat. They watch the horizon.
Her – Looks like it’s clouding over, doesn’t it?
Him – You think?
Her – Look at those big clouds over there. The wind’s bringing them this way.
Him – We live in a temperate climate… In weather speak, that means the worst is always possible. And likely, in the short term.
Her – Weather forecasts… Have you heard their latest thing? They don’t talk about Celsius or Fahrenheit anymore, it’s all about “feels like” temperature. Feels like to who? To cold types like me, or to people who are never cold? To the ones who forgot their sweater, or the ones in thermal underwear? I’d love to see the thermometer that measures that, “feels like” temperature…
Him – It’s like the national happiness meter… Down again this week, they say.
Her – That depresses me.
Him – There you go. It’s raining.
Her – I’d rather not watch that… I’ll call my mum, see if the weather’s nice in the South.
Him – What did I just say?
Her – What?
He mimics E.T., finger pointing toward the sky.
Him – Phone home…
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Him and Her
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Rainy Season est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A bar. Two women stare off into the distance. The second is wearing a hat, with no hair visible beneath it.
One – Did you see that tree? Isn’t it beautiful?
Two – Yes.
One – It’s so much a part of the landscape… that we end up not seeing it anymore.
Two – Mmm…
One – It’s an oak. It was already here before we were even born.
Two – How do you know? Since we weren’t born…
One – We hung a swing from one of its branches when we were kids. It was already that big. Don’t you remember?
Two – No.
One – I do. I broke my arm falling off that damn swing.
Two – You’ve broken so many things. How do you expect me to remember them all…? Once time, you even broke your ass.
One – My coccyx.
Two – Falling off a chair. Incredible. I wonder which bone you haven’t broken. (A pause) The coccyx… I didn’t even know it existed back then. And even now, I’m not sure how to spell it.
One – All I know is that it scores a lot of points in Scrabble…
Two – When I picture you as a kid, you always have a cast. Even in school photos, you’ve got an arm in a sling, crutches, or a big bandage. I wonder how you even made it to adulthood in one piece.
One – You never broke anything. Like that tree over there…
Two – And yet, I did just as many stupid things as you… I lived dangerously too. I’ve even shucked oysters at Christmas. And I never stabbed myself with the knife…
One – You’ve always had more luck than me. I kind of resented you for that…
Two – Do you really think I’ve been lucky…?
One – Yeah, go ahead, call me clumsy.
Two – Where are you going with your tree?
One – It’s weathered every storm. Not a single broken branch. Just like you. In a hundred years, it’ll still be standing.
Two – Even if it’s standing, it might be hollow inside by now. Look, it doesn’t even have a leaf left on its head. Just like me, actually.
One – That’s normal. It’s autumn…
Two – Ah, yes, that’s true. I didn’t realise summer had passed… From my hospital window, all I could see was the hypermarket parking lot.
One – The leaves will grow back in spring. You’ll see.
A moment passes.
Two – And my hair? Do you think it’ll grow back in spring too?
One – I’d bet my arm on it…
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection At the Bar Counter
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Coccyx est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A character is standing there, another one arrives.
One – Excuse me, do you know what day it is?
Two – I think it’s today.
One – Today?
Two – Just between yesterday and tomorrow.
One – Yes, but… is it the 20th, the 21st, or the 22nd? I can’t remember.
Two – The 21st… of what?
One – The 21st of March.
Two – What difference does it make?
One – It makes a difference because if it’s the 21st, then today is the first day of spring. But if it’s the 20th, it’s tomorrow. And if it’s the 22nd, it was yesterday.
Two – Do you really think spring arrives just like that, on a specific day? The 21st of March, to be exact?
One – Well, yes… Doesn’t it?
Two – So, if it’s the 20th, it’s still winter, and if it’s the 22nd, it’s already spring?
One – I don’t know… I don’t know what day it is.
Two – Neither do I.
One – Right…
Two – It’s a lovely day today, isn’t it?
One – Yes… It’s got that… spring-like feel.
Two – Look at these primroses… they didn’t wait to find out if it was the 20th or the 21st to start blooming.
One – That’s true.
Two – So let’s just say that it’s already spring.
One – Agreed…
Two – One swallow doesn’t make a spring, but once you’ve seen two, you’ve got a reason to hope.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection For real and for fun
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Primroses est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.