One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – What?
One – I just ran into Mr. Martin at the convenience store.
Two – Mr. Martin? But that’s impossible! We buried him last week…
One – That’s why I asked you not to panic. But I have to admit, it was a shock when I saw him.
Two – Are you sure it was him?
One – He waved at me from a distance. But it was definitely him, I swear! I saw him as clearly as I see you now!
Two – Did he say anything?
One – I was so petrified. I didn’t dare go closer.
Two – He couldn’t have come back from the dead.
One – Especially since he was cremated.
Two – Yes… Cremation makes bodily resurrection a lot less likely.
One – Imagine if they had cremated Jesus Christ after the crucifixion.
Two – Rising from the tomb three days later would’ve been a lot less convincing.
One – Can you picture Jesus Christ emerging from his urn…?
Two – Like a genie coming out of a bottle.
One – Yeah, it would have given Christianity a more oriental flair.
Two – I’m not sure the story would have been quite as successful.
One – Anyway, that’s not the point.
Two – So what is the point, exactly?
One – Mr. Martin was cremated, and I just saw him in the frozen food aisle at the convenience store! That’s the point.
Two – It can’t be a miracle. Why would God, if he exists, resurrect Mr. Martin?
One – Yeah, especially since he wasn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.
Two – You could even say he was a bit of an idiot.
One – And nobody else in the store seemed surprised?
Two – I even heard the cashier say, “Hello, Mr. Martin, how are you today?”
One – In that case, I see only one solution. Mr. Martin isn’t dead.
Two – Not dead? But then… whose funeral did we attend last week?
One – Who knows.
Two – Yet we did receive a death notice, didn’t we?
One – Yes.
Two – Where is that notice?
One – Well… I didn’t keep it. I mean, if I kept every notice I got…
Two – At our age, we are getting more and more of them, aren’t we?
One – Mostly death notices.
Two – So, Mr. Martin isn’t dead.
One – Apparently not.
Two – But then who did die?
One – No idea.
Two – Can you believe it? Someone we know died, we went to their funeral, and we don’t even know who it was.
One – Yes. Someone close enough to us for us to receive a notice.
Two – And since you didn’t keep the notice, there’s no way to find out who it was?
One – That’s really awkward… Imagine bumping into the downstairs neighbour and asking how her husband is doing. Only to realise we attended his funeral a week ago.
Two – And since he was cremated, we can’t even go check the name on the grave.
One – Yeah… I’ve heard of the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, but this…
Two – We know the deceased is someone we know, but we have no idea who…
One – Anyway, it’s not Mr. Martin. I definitely saw him at the convenience store.
Two – We’ll just have to make a list of everyone we meet. Eventually, the one we never see again will probably be the one who died.
One – Let’s do that…
Two – We might as well start now. Who else did you see at the convenience store?
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Resurrection est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – What?
One – I found a skull in the garden.
Two – A skull? You mean…
One – A human skull, yes.
Two – But how…?
One – I was digging a hole to plant those bamboos we bought at the market. And I came across a skull.
Two – That’s incredible… Are you sure it’s human?
One – There was a mobile phone right next to it.
Two – So it’s not ancient remains. I mean, it’s not a Neanderthal skull. Was it a recent model?
One – The skull?
Two – The phone!
One – Ah… Uh… I don’t know… It’s an iPhone. (Handing the phone) Here, take a look.
The other hesitates before taking the phone.
Two – You picked up the phone?
One – Would you have preferred I brought you the skull?
Two – I don’t know… It’s a crime scene, isn’t it?
One – A crime? You think so?
Two – How could someone end up buried in a garden with their phone if it’s not a crime?
One – Fair point.
Two – And more importantly, how could someone bury a body in our garden without us noticing?
One – We’ve only had the house for two years. It must date back to the previous owner.
Two – Maybe it’s his wife.
One – Why his wife?
Two – It can’t be him, since we saw him at the notary’s office.
One – It’s true we didn’t see his wife that day.
Two – But that doesn’t mean he buried her in the garden…
One – That doesn’t make sense. You don’t bury your wife in the garden and then sell the house. Sooner or later, someone would find out.
Two – Then what?
One – We’d need to date the body. What model of iPhone is it?
Two – There’s a bit of dirt on it, but… It’s the latest model.
One – No way…
Two – That means the body was buried very recently.
One – Damn…
Two – We should call the police.
One – Yeah, but we could get into trouble.
Two – Trouble…?
One – What if they think we did it?
Two – Now that we’ve found the skull, we can’t just act like nothing happened.
One – You think?
Two – Concealing a body. Failure to report a crime. That’s serious.
One – OK… We’ll call the police.
Two – Go ahead.
One – I don’t know what I did with my phone…
The phone found next to the skull starts ringing. They both freeze.
Two – This can’t be happening… It’s a nightmare.
One – Who could it be?
Two – Who knows…
One – The killer, maybe.
Two – What do we do?
One – Well, answer it…
Two – Hello…? Yes… Yes, I’ll put him on… Your mother.
One – Mum… Can I call you back…? OK…
Two – So it’s your phone.
One – It must have fallen out of my pocket when I bent down to look at the skull.
Two – Right. And are you still sure it’s a human skull?
One – Well… That’s what I thought when I saw the phone. But now I’m not so sure.
Two – Let’s go take another look.
One – OK.
Two – I vaguely remember the notary saying he had just buried his dog.
One – I didn’t think much of it at the time, but yeah, I remember now…
Two – He just forgot to mention he buried it in the garden.
One – Yeah.
Two – Still, there’s quite a difference between a dog skull and a human skull. It’s not the same size.
One – It must have been a big dog.
Two – Or maybe… it’s a child’s skull…
One – You think?
Two – The good news is you found your phone.
One – Yeah…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Skull est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – Honestly, I can’t promise you that.
One – I just found out that the neighbour is a voyeur.
Two – Which neighbour?
One – The one across the street, there!
Two – I can’t see anything.
One – The window, over there.
Two – That’s at least a hundred metres away. How can you tell he’s watching us?
One – With a telescope.
Two – The neighbour is watching us with a telescope?
One – No, not the neighbour, me! I used a telescope. Otherwise, how do you expect me to see that he’s watching us from here?
Two – So you spied on the neighbour with a telescope to find out that he was spying on us.
One – Yeah.
Two – And how does he manage to see us from that far away?
One – With binoculars.
Two – Right… So you’re watching a voyeur with a telescope who’s watching you with binoculars.
One – Otherwise, how else could I tell he was spying on us?
Two – Let me get this straight. The first time you looked at him with the telescope, was he already watching you with the binoculars, or did that come after?
One – After, I think.
Two – Right…
One – I see what you’re getting at…
Two – Maybe when he saw the reflection from your telescope, he thought he was being watched. And since he couldn’t see anything, he went to get his binoculars.
One – In that case, I would be the voyeur.
Two – That’s a real possibility…
One – Or maybe we’re both voyeurs.
Two – Now… a voyeur watching another voyeur… Is that still voyeurism?
One – I need to stop using that telescope.
Two – Sounds like a good idea.
One – On the other hand… I won’t know if he keeps watching us.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Voyeurs est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – What?
One – There’s a wasp sitting on your ear.
Two – Oh my God! I’m allergic to wasp stings. Last time, I ended up in the emergency room. I nearly died.
One – Exactly why I told you not to panic.
Two – So, what should I do?
One – Above all, no sudden movements. It might just fly off the way it came.
Two – I can feel it now…
One – Yes, it moved. Looks like it’s trying to get into your ear.
Two – That’s horrible…
One – Yes. Absolutely terrifying.
Two – I preferred it when you were telling me not to panic.
One – Yes, but now I’m the one panicking…
Two – You should be telling the wasp not to panic. Because if it panics, it’s going to sting me.
One – I can’t see it anymore.
Two – Did it leave?
One – Or it went into your ear. Can you feel anything?
Two – No…
One – Ah, I see it coming out.
Two – Good thing it didn’t decide to build a wasp nest in my ear.
One – Do wasps make honey?
Two – No. Maybe that’s why we’re less forgiving when they sting.
One – If it makes you feel better, if it stings you, it’ll die too.
Two – Sorry?
One – Wasps die after they sting, right?
Two – I think it’s bees that die after stinging.
One – What’s the point of stinging to defend yourself if you die afterwards?
Two – I suppose it’s to protect the hive. Bees are social insects. It’s a kind of sacrifice.
One – Like a soldier sacrificing himself to save his country.
Two – Fortunately, not all soldiers die after firing a shot.
One – Would you sacrifice yourself to save me?
Two – I should say yes… but the truth is, I don’t know.
One – At least you’re honest.
Two – What’s the wasp doing now?
One – It’s rubbing its hands. I mean, its legs. Like bees do after collecting pollen from a flower.
Two – First time I’ve been pollinated by a wasp.
One – And yet you don’t make pollen.
Two – Luckily. I’m also allergic to pollen.
One – Are you sure wasps don’t make honey?
Two – Yes. But ears do make wax.
One – That must be why it’s rubbing its legs.
Two – Are you sure it’s not a bee?
One – I’m not sure. Yes, maybe it’s a bee. (Approaching) Oh my God! It looks like it’s pulling out its…
Two – Its what?
One – Its sting!
Two – I’m going to die…
The other slaps them hard on the ear.
One – Sorry…
Two – Are you out of your mind!
The other looks down.
One – Phew! It’s dead. I feel kind of bad… Especially if it was a bee.
Two – Still… it was either it or me.
One – Yeah…
Two – In a way, you saved my life.
One – Yes…
Two – What?
One – I said yes…
Two – I can’t hear anything anymore. Do you think it stung me anyway? I think my ear is starting to swell, and I hear a sort of buzzing…
One – Don’t worry, it must be the slap…
Two – Are you sure?
One – No… I just said that to reassure you. But we’d better call the emergency services…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Bees est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Two characters (men or women) are there, seemingly waiting. A voice is heard offstage.
Voice off – Quiet on set!
The two characters freeze. They don’t say anything for a long moment. The voice is heard again.
Voice off – Quiet on set!
The two remain frozen.
Voice off – Um… Whenever you’re ready…
One – What?
Voice off – Well… The camera’s rolling… You’re not just going to stand there and say nothing, are you?
Two – You said “Quiet on set!”
Voice off – No, I meant everyone else.
One – Everyone else?
Voice off – The crew. The technicians. You’re the actors. You’re supposed to say something.
Two – And what do you want us to say?
Voice off – I don’t know – your lines, maybe?
One – Our lines…?
Voice off – Don’t you have a script?
Two – That’s for you to tell us.
One – We’re just the actors. We don’t get a say.
Voice off– Hey, I’m just the Director Of Photography. They told me to shoot this scene before midday. Nobody said whether there were any lines.
Two (to the other actor) – Did they give you a script?
One – No.
Voice off – Well then… I don’t know. Just improvise.
One – Improvise? Improvise what?
Voice off– Bloody hell, this is a nightmare…
Two – We’re happy to improvise, but we need a starting point. What’s the scene supposed to be about?
Voice off – Oh, I’ve no idea. That’s not my job, is it? I just deal with the image.
One – Alright then… We’ll improvise.
Voice off – Great. Back to one?
Two – Let’s do it.
Voice off – Quiet on set!
The two characters freeze for a moment.
One – What a silence…
Two – Yes.
One – You could hear a pin drop.
Two – Yes.
A pause.
One – Unfortunately, there are no pins.
Two – No.
Another pause.
Voice off – Cut! (Pause) Is that it?
One – I’m doing my best…
Two – Yeah, same here.
One – You didn’t exactly help, either.
Two – Me?
One – You could’ve picked it up a bit.
Two – Improvising’s a skill, you know. You don’t just become an improviser overnight.
One – Still, actors are supposed to be able to improvise a little.
Two – So I’m a bad actor now, is that it?
One – I didn’t say that, but…
Two – And honestly… “You could hear a pin drop… unfortunately, there are no pins…” What am I supposed to do with that?
One – Well, you could’ve started, if you’re so clever!
Two – I was about to! You interrupted me…
One – You weren’t saying anything!
Two – I was waiting for it to come! That’s how improv works. You wait. And silence is important too.
One – Silence?
Two – The unspoken, if you prefer. Dialogue’s important, sure, but it’s the unspoken that really counts.
One – The unspoken…
Two – Yes, the unspoken.
One – So… silence, basically.
Two – As someone once said, “Silence after Mozart is still Mozart…”
One – Well then, I’ve nothing more to say…
Silence.
Two – So? How was it this time?
Voice off – What?
One – Our improv.
Two – What improv?
One – The one we just did!
Voice off – Oh, I didn’t film that…
Two – He didn’t film it.
One – You’ve got to be kidding me…
Two – Tell me that’s a joke.
Voice off – Doesn’t matter, we’ll just do it again.
One – But if we do it again, it’s not improvisation anymore!
Voice off – Are you seriously trying to ruin my whole morning? It’s nearly midday! I’ve got other things to do, you know!
Two – Alright then… Let’s go again…
Voice off – Quiet on set!
Silence.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Quiet on Set! est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.