Two chairs and a table with a carafe and a glass. One character enters wearing a face mask. Another arrives, also wearing a mask. After a moment’s hesitation, the second character addresses the first with a conspiratorial look.
One – Fools, they dare anything…
Two – That’s how you recognise them.
One – What a stupid password.
Two – Indeed.
One – Right. As I said, payment is upfront.
The other hands him an envelope.
Two – Here you go.
One – What’s the name of the target?
Two – John Smith.
One – Well, that’s odd.
Two – What is?
One – Oh, nothing… Actually, no, I probably shouldn’t say this because you’re not supposed to know my name, but… It’s a namesake.
Two – A namesake?
One – My name’s John Smith too. I mean, it’s a pretty common name…
Two – It’s not a namesake.
One – I’m telling you, my name’s John Smith too.
Two – Yes. And you’re the one to be eliminated.
One – Me?
Two – Yes, you.
One – You’re hiring me to kill myself?
Two – Precisely.
One – But why?
Two – A contract is a contract, isn’t it? And I’ve paid you…
One – Right.
Two – Here, I even brought the poison.
He hands him a packet.
One – What’s this?
Two – Ant poison.
One – Right.
Two – I can count on you, can’t I?
One – Of course…
He walks off. The other pauses, bewildered. He sits down, thinks for a moment, then pours the packet’s contents into a glass, adds water, stirs, and prepares to drink. The other character returns, laughing, mask off.
One – April Fool!
The one sitting snaps out of his stupor and recognises him.
Two – You’re such an idiot, Bob.
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Killer Sketches
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article April Fool’s Day est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Two characters sit at a table, looking sombre. Silence.
One – So, that’s another one gone.
Two – He’ll be missed.
One – It’s always the best ones who go first.
Two – Yes… (Pause) Although, in his case, I’m not sure we can really say he was one of the best…
One – True, but… a colleague is a colleague. We’re in such a tough line of work.
Two – And so underappreciated.
One – And yet, he was an endearing chap, all the same.
Two – Yes.
One – I didn’t quite get it. How exactly did he die?
Two – Work-related accident.
One – An accident?
Two – He accidentally swallowed the poison meant for one of his targets.
One – Oh no… What kind of poison?
Two – You won’t believe it, but from what I heard… it was ant poison.
One – Ants?
Two – Yep…
Pause.
One – No, he definitely wasn’t the best.
Two – You could even say he tarnished the professional image we’d like our trade to have.
One – Yes, it was time for him to stop.
Two – How many times did I tell him to switch professions? It was obvious he wasn’t cut out for this.
One – You’ve no idea the kind of blunders he pulled.
Two – I heard once, when he was supposed to kill a woman’s husband, he ended up poisoning her lover instead.
One – How did that turn out?
Two – Well, they accused the cuckolded husband of killing his rival, and he ended up in prison.
One – In a way, he still managed to get rid of her husband for her.
Two – Yes… but her lover was dead too.
One – That man was a disgrace to our profession.
Two – Really, there should be some kind of training.
One – With a diploma.
Two – And a Guild Council, to exclude the black sheep.
One – Well, at least he won’t harm anyone else.
Two – No.
Pause.
One – He was kind, though.
Two – Kind but dim.
One – Yes…
They finish their drinks.
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Killer Sketches
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Eulogy est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A rather sophisticated woman sits alone at a table, staring at an empty cocktail glass. A man approaches.
Him – Hello, may I buy you a drink?
Her – Even two or three if you like.
Him – Well, I’m not sure I’ve got that much cash on me.
Her – Let’s start with one, then. What’s your name?
Him – Michael, but you can call me Mickey. And you?
Her – Mary. But you can call me whatever you like.
Him – Right… And what would you fancy, Mary?
Her – The same as before. A Bloody Mary.
Him – A cocktail… That’s a bit pricey, isn’t it? How much is it?
Her – I have no idea. (Gesturing to a man across the room) The gentleman over there bought it for me.
Him – Ah, I see…
She gives the man a flirtatious smile, then turns back to her new companion.
Her – So?
Him – Oh yes, excuse me… (He fumbles in his pockets.) I’m so used to getting turned down, I’m not even sure I’ve got enough. I spent my last bit of change on poison.
Her – You do look a bit desperate, but I’m not sure suicide’s the answer, you know.
Him – Oh, no, but… it’s not for me.
Her – You want to poison someone?
Him – Yes, well… No… It’s ant poison.
Her – I see… I could settle for a coffee… if that’s more in your budget.
Him – Actually, I don’t think I have any cash at all.
Her – Is this your tactic to get someone else to buy you a drink?
Him – Sometimes it works.
Her – Well, let’s say it’s your lucky day. What will you have?
Him – I’ll have the same as you.
Her – You’ve got expensive taste for someone who can’t afford to buy a woman a drink.
Him – I do come into money from time to time, you know. But in my line of work, there are highs and lows.
Her – And what line of work is that?
Him – I’m a hitman.
Her – I see… So right now, it’s a bit of a dead season.
Him – Exactly.
Her – And have you killed many people in your life?
Him – Quite a few.
Her – And are you working on something now? Besides the ants…
Him – You’ll understand if I can’t talk about that.
Her – Of course… Professional confidentiality…
Him – Sorry.
Her – I can’t seem to find the waiter…
Him – I’ll take care of it.
He stands up.
Her – I’ll have another with you. Tell the waiter to put it all on Mr…
She gestures towards the man across the room who supposedly bought her a drink. He heads offstage. She takes the opportunity to flirt with the man across the room. Her companion returns with two Bloody Marys and sits down.
Him – Here you go.
Her – Well, cheers!
Him – Cheers!
He raises his glass to drink.
Her – Oh, I think someone’s noticed you.
Him – Sorry?
She nods towards a woman in the audience.
Her – Haven’t you noticed? She’s been staring at you…
Him – Are you sure?
He looks toward the woman in the audience, and she takes the opportunity to switch their glasses.
Her – If things don’t work out with me, you could always give her a try… She looks more your type.
Him – Why not…
Her – Here’s to your next victim!
They clink glasses and drink.
Him – Thanks for the cocktail.
Her – Forgive my curiosity, but I’m a little intrigued, obviously. This is the first time I’ve met a hitman…
Him – When you meet a hitman, you know, the first time is often the last…
Her – True! I hadn’t thought of that.
He takes another drink.
Him – So, what do you want to know?
Her – If you had to kill a woman, how would you go about it?
Him – There are a few ways, but for a woman… it requires elegance. Perhaps a bit of strychnine in her drink…
She smiles.
Her – I know who you’re working for.
Him – Oh really?
Her – And I know you’ve been hired to kill me.
Him – Why would anyone want to kill you?
Her – I’m a hitwoman too. They call me Bloody Mary.
Him – I see…
Her – You’re the third hitman they’ve sent after me. I must say, the other two weren’t nearly as entertaining as you.
Him – And… what happened to them?
Her – They’re dead. Quite suddenly…
Him – And yet, here you are, still alive…
Her – As you can see. In perfect health, in fact.
Him – Not for much longer.
Her – What makes you say that?
Him – I put strychnine in your glass.
Her – I swapped our glasses while you were eyeing that floozy.
Him – Ah…
Her – Don’t worry, it’ll be over quickly.
He rummages through his pockets, pulling out two small packets, which he examines.
Him – Oh, damn…
Her – What?
Him – I used the wrong packet. What I put in your glas – or rather, in the one I drank – wasn’t strychnine. It was ant poison…
Her – So, you were telling the truth? You’ve actually got a contract on an ant colony?
Him – No, but I’ve got loads of ants at home, and they’re a real nuisance, I assure you.
Her – Lucky for you, you’re not an ant.
Him – And the ants don’t seem too affected by it, either.
Her – Well then, you may as well finish your poisoned cocktail.
Him – I do feel a bit strange, though.
Her – Strange, as in… even stranger than usual?
Him – Feels like… ants crawling up my arms.
Her – Ants?
Him – Apparently, it’s quite laxative, too. Sorry, but I think I’ll have to leave you.
Her – It’s been a pleasure having a drink with you. Perhaps we’ll meet again…
He gives a weak smile and hurries off.
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Killer Sketches
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Bloody Mary est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.