A character is sitting at a table. Another character arrives, wearing dark sunglasses, and addresses him.
One – “The long sobs of the violins of autumn…”
Two – “… soothe my heart with a monotonous languor.”
One – That’ll do. But it’s not “soothe”; it’s “wound.”
Two – Pardon?
One – “Wound my heart with a monotonous languor.”
Two – Oh, right…
One – Take a seat.
The other sits down.
Two – It’s a bit daft as a password, if you ask me.
One – And why’s that?
Two – Everyone knows the second line.
One – Not you, apparently…
Two – Sorry, I didn’t realise hitmen were so particular about Baudelaire’s poetry.
One – It’s Verlaine.
Two – Right…
One – I’m listening.
Two – I want someone… removed.
One – Yes, that’s usually why I get called… What’s this person’s name?
Two – Bella.
One – Bella?
Two – She’s a dog.
One – Look, that’s none of my business. But I’d prefer we avoid sexist remarks. I can’t stand them.
Two – No, I mean… she’s really a dog.
One – A dog? You mean an animal?
Two – Yes. A dog. A female one.
The other character stands, ready to leave.
One – Sorry, but we do have a certain code in our profession. We never harm animals.
Two – Wait… I’ll pay double.
Intrigued, the other character sits back down.
One – Why do you want this poor creature dead?
Two – If you knew her, you wouldn’t say “poor creature,” believe me.
One – Tell me about it…
Two – She was my wife’s dog.
One – Was?
Two – My wife’s dead.
One – The dog?
Two – My wife!
One – Sorry.
Two – No need to apologise… I’m the one who killed her.
One – And… why, if I may ask?
Two – Actually… it was more of an accident.
One – An involuntary manslaughter, then?
Two – Let’s just say… an unconscious slip.
One – I see.
Two – The three of us were out walking along a cliff…
One – The three of you?
Two – With Bella.
One – Ah, yes…
Two – I gave her a slight accidental nudge, she slipped, and fell to the bottom.
One – And the police didn’t question you?
Two – Not the police, no. But Bella saw everything. And since then…
One – What?
Two – She stares at me.
One – She stares at you?
Two – With an accusing look.
One – I see.
Two – You know that Bible story. “The eye was in the grave and watched Cain.”
One – That rings a vague bell. Although in my line of work, you know, the Bible isn’t exactly my bedtime reading.
Two – Well, Bella is my Cain. All day long, she fixes me with her gaze. It’s become unbearable.
One – I understand.
Two – I’m not sure you do. If this keeps up, I might do something drastic.
One – You could take care of it yourself. You did kill your wife.
Two – Yes, but I’m scared.
One – Scared?
Two – There’s something supernatural about it, I swear. She’s not just a dog. She’s…
One – What?
Two – That look… Bella’s eyes… It’s my wife’s stare.
A pause.
One – You’ve managed to give me the creeps too. And in my job, I’ve seen it all, believe me…
Two – Please, get rid of Bella for me, I’m begging you.
One – I’m really sorry, but… I don’t do reincarnations.
Two – But what am I going to do?
One – I don’t know… Become a dog?
He stands and leaves. The other character sits quietly for a moment.
Two – A dog… Woof… Woof, woof…
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Killer Sketches
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Bella est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A customer arrives. Before entering, she takes a final drag of her cigarette. The customer stands in front of the bar.
Owner – What can I get for you?
Customer – I don’t know… I don’t fancy anything…
Owner – Nothing? Sorry, that’s not on the menu.
Customer – I just feel like throwing myself under a train.
Owner – This isn’t the right place for that. This isn’t a train station, love. So if you want to stay, you’ll have to order something.
Customer – Fine, what do you recommend?
Owner – If you fancy it, I have house sangria.
Customer – I’m not sure… What else do you have?
Owner – A while ago, you didn’t know what to have, and now you find there’s not enough choice?
Customer – Well then I’ll have… a beer. When you have suicidal thoughts, beer seems quite appropriate, doesn’t it?
Owner – What kind of beer?
Customer – Death & Taxes
Owner – I don’t do craft beer.
Customer – What do you have?
Owner – Draught beer.
Customer – What kind of draught beer?
Owner – Regular draught…
Customer – Is that all?
Owner – A moment ago, you didn’t know what to have, and now you think there’s not enough choice?
Customer – A regular draught will be just fine.
Owner – What people come looking for here isn’t beer, you know. They have beer at home in the fridge.
Customer – You’re right. They probably come here looking for a bit of human warmth…
Owner – Doesn’t matter how it’s served, as long as it hits.
Customer – A half-pint then. No, two…
The owner serves her two half-pints.
Owner – Here you go… Two halves…
Customer – Two halves. That makes a whole… At least that’s what I learned in school…
Owner – You’re a funny one, aren’t you… Are you waiting for someone?
Customer – If I were waiting for my other half, I’d go sit at one of those tables and fix myself up. I wouldn’t be here, standing, dishevelled, talking to myself.
Owner – Thanks.
The customer pushes the second half-pint towards the owner.
Customer – You’re different. (They clink glasses.) A bar owner’s like a shrink, a priest or a prostitute. You can tell them everything, but you can’t ask them anything. Especially not if they have issues with their mother, or if they also have dark thoughts sometimes…
Owner – Do you have issues with your mother?
Customer – Do you ever have dark thoughts?
Owner – That’s none of your business!
Customer – Ah, you see…
Owner – Did you come here looking for trouble?
Customer – I came looking for inspiration.
Owner – Oh really…?
Customer – Poets often go to bars to find inspiration. Didn’t you know?
Owner (ironically) – Yes, of course. All my customers are poets.
Customer – They say that every day in this country, two bars close down. It was in the paper this morning.
Owner – I don’t read newspapers.
Customer – But you sell them!
Owner – I sell pipes too. And I don’t smoke.
Customer – Where will poets go for inspiration when all the bars have been replaced by McDonald’s?
Owner – Let them go to hell.
Customer – Believe me, when fast food takes over every corner, poets will be left writing airport fiction.
Owner – Is that why you want to throw yourself under a train?
Customer – Or maybe because I’m afraid I won’t find inspiration.
Owner – Do you really think it’s here that you’ll find something to tell?
Customer – If counters could talk, they’d have plenty to say, wouldn’t they?
Owner – Sure… But I don’t know who would be interested.
Customer – You know, it was in a bar like this one that I found out my exam results.
Owner – No kidding…
Customer – Exams… They’re milestones in life, aren’t they? Rites of passage…
Owner – I don’t know… I don’t even have a driver’s license. I think the only licence I’ll ever get is a burial one.
Customer – I could tell my life story… Or yours…?
Owner – Can you make money telling your life story? All my customers do that for free…
Customer – Money? Not much…
Owner – Peanuts?
Customer – Yes, more or less.
Owner – No, I mean… Do you want peanuts? With your two halves…
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection At the Bar Counter
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Two Halves est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Two women enter the bar with some hesitation. They glance around the room and approach the bar, behind which the owner stands, stoic, wiping wine glasses.
One – What will you have?
Two – I’m not sure…
One – Red? White?
Two – White…
One – Two glasses of white wine, please.
Owner – We’re out of white.
One – Well… Red, then…
Owner – Two glasses of red coming up.
The owner serves them the two glasses.
One – Let’s sit down while there are still free tables.
Two – Good idea.
The two women sit at a table with their glasses. The first takes a sip and grimaces.
One – Not sure we made the right choice…
Two – About the show?
One – About the wine, at least…
The second woman sips her glass.
Two – Oh dear… Definitely not Château Margaux.
One – What exactly is this event?
Two – I wasn’t too sure… (She pulls a flyer from her bag.) “Little Glasses and Great Wine.” It was free. Probably a cabaret night or something…
One – Cabaret? There isn’t even a stage…
Two – Maybe a one-man show?
One – Or a two-women show, who knows.
Two – You’re right. For the moment, we’re the only ones in the room.
One – “Little glasses and Great wine”… Let’s see… (She checks the brochure.) Wait a minute ! It doesn’t say glasses, it says verses!
Two – Verses?
One – Tiny poems! Bloody hell! It’s a poetry night!
Two (grabs the flyer and checks) – Shit, you’re right!
One – How tragic misunderstandings can arise from dyslexia…
Two – No wonder it was free…
One – Poetry… I knew it was a trap.
Two – I think it’s time to make ourselves scarce…
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection At the Bar Counter
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Poetry Night est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.