One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – As if I were the panicky type.
One – Your shoelace is undone.
Two – Oh my God! That was a close one…
One – Yeah, you could have killed yourself.
Two – I step on it with the other foot, trip, fall onto the tracks, and the train runs me over.
One – Luckily, we’re in our living room, but still…
Two – Basically, you saved my life.
One – “Saved your life” might be a stretch, but… Yeah, you could say that.
Two – No, no, you deserve a medal.
One – Maybe not the Legion of Honour, but…
Two – Some people have gotten it for less.
One – Corrupt politicians, drug lords, paedophile priests…
Two – At least we haven’t hurt anyone.
One – We’re not heroes, but… that’s only because the opportunity never came up.
Two – We just didn’t get lucky, that’s all.
One – We were born in peacetime. What could we possibly resist?
Two – We’ve resisted bad weather.
One – We’ve resisted temptation, sometimes.
Two – You’re right, we are heroes, we just haven’t had the chance to prove it.
One – What we need is a good war. Then the whole world would see who we really are.
A pause.
Two – If I fell into the water, would you dive in to pull me to shore?
One – I can’t swim.
Two – Yeah. Better not, then.
One – And you can swim, right?
Two – Yeah.
One – Imagine… You fall in, I dive in to save you, and you end up dragging me back to shore.
Two – Yeah, that’d be stupid.
A pause.
One – But I did still tell you your shoelace was undone.
Two – Yeah.
One – You should really tie that damn lace. Because if I warn you, and you don’t do anything…
Two – You’re right, I need to. But I can’t bend down.
One – I’d tie it for you, but… I can’t bend down either.
Two – I wonder if it’s already too late for us.
One – Too late?
Two – To become heroes!
Blackout.

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A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
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