I’m bored, aren’t you? No, but I’m not particularly bored with you. I’m bored in general. With or without you. I’ve always been quite bored, actually, ever since I was little. I don’t know why… At first, it bothered me a bit. But then I got used to it. My wife, on the other hand, is never bored. She’s lucky. She says she always has something to do. And when she truly has nothing else to do, she sleeps. As for me, I struggle with sleep. I wake up at three in the morning and can’t fall back asleep. So, I’m bored. Even at night. While my wife sleeps soundly. Well, during the day, I could work, you might say. Maybe that would help me sleep better at night. But if you think working is much more fun than being bored… Work is just good for keeping busy during the day. It’s like watching TV at night, doing crossword puzzles on Sundays, or playing cards on vacation. It only allows temporarily forgetting that we don’t know what to do with ourselves. No, I’m bored full time… and the worst part is, I wonder if I don’t derive a certain satisfaction from it. Because there is a pleasure in being bored, right? Just as there is pleasure in being sad. A kind of nobility even. For one thing, to be bored, you need to have the leisure for it. And be able to afford it. It’s a luxury not everyone can manage. Boredom is a fundamental freedom unrestricted by any hobby. Besides, I wonder if I don’t prefer being bored to having fun, after all. It’s true, having fun gets boring in the long run. You always end up doing the same things. Seeing the same people. Doing the same things with the same people. Whereas… there are a thousand ways to be bored… And then, having fun, between us, it’s a bit vulgar, isn’t it? It’s noisier, for starters. Have you ever heard people having fun? The bursts of laughter, the bursts of voices… It’s like bursts of shells. Personally, it hurts my ears. People who get bored, at least, they don’t disturb anyone. I mean, people who can experience boredom quietly in their own space and have the decency o keep it to themselves. Not those who announce every five minutes that they don’t know what to do. Like some children. Mine, for example… You know, it’s true.Just because we’ve had children doesn’t automatically qualify us to be recreation leaders. Otherwise, we’d have to mandate that everyone getting married and planning to have kids obtain an entertainer qualification. No, the beauty of enjoying boredom is that you can experience it anywhere. And you don’t need anyone. I can find ways to be bored in any setting, even at the theatre. And with anyone – yes, even with my wife. In fact, especially with my wife. Truth be told, I still prefer to be bored in her company. Because, believe it or not, you can’t share a pleasant bout of boredom with just anyone! You really have to come across someone discreet enough… And the best part is, my wife finds it entertaining when I share that with her. I’m bored, and she’s having fun… Well, it’s not that I don’t get bored with you, but please forgive me. I have something to do right now. Something very boring, actually. So, you see, you can also be bored while doing something… Well then, enjoy your boredom..

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Like a fish in the air
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Pleasure of Boredom est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Where are you headed? You don’t know…? Well then, hop in, I’ll take you. Is that all you’ve got for luggage? You’re right. When you don’t know where you’re going, there’s no need to burden yourself. Me, I just have a small bag. A toothbrush. Spare socks. A swimsuit, just in case… Don’t forget to fasten your seatbelt, there are checks sometimes. I don’t really know where I’m going either, to be honest. I’ve taken a few days off. I’m going to try to find a quiet place to clear my head. I have a vague idea for a novel… With laptops these days, it’s convenient. You can write anywhere. Even at home. I have internet with me too! When I leave home, I take the mailbox with me. This place isn’t bad, is it? What a shame they’re forecasting lousy weather. I enjoy driving like this. Already departed, not yet arrived. I feel like I exist a bit. Maybe that’s why I never finish anything. The number of novels I’ve started! When I was a kid, my favourite part was the journey between home and school. I would savour it by moving as slowly as possible. However… no matter how much time you take, you always end up somewhere. I absolutely need to refuel now. Let me know if you spot a gas station, will you? Yeah… When I was a kid, I was terrified by the certainty that I would die someday. It’s everyone’s destiny, right? So, I first tried to convince myself that I wasn’t like everyone else. Yet, I soon had to accept the reality that I wasn’t Jesus Christ. Only elastic time separated me from certain death. Maybe even premature death! Not only was I sure I would die, but I didn’t know when. Anyway, it became urgent to slow down to avoid dying prematurely. Why is that guy honking so much? Overtake if you’re in such a hurry! What was I saying? Right, so, unable to stop time, I then tried to savour every moment. To make it flow less quickly, you see. With the secret hope that a denser memory would eventually halt the hourglass.

To begin with, I randomly selected a moment and arbitrarily decided to cherish it for the rest of my life. And it worked! The first time… An unforgettable moment! Although absolutely meaningless… I’ve never been able to replicate that feat. Anyway, over time, my perspective on existence has changed, right? We die, of course, but we never completely disappear. Nothing is lost, nothing is created. Unfortunately, as time passes, the certainty of eternal return terrifies me even more than the idea of a definitive end. Will it never stop? And what will become of us when we’re dead? True, reincarnation is frightening, if you think about it. Even if you’re not completely satisfied with your current life, there’s no guarantee that when you’re resurrected, you won’t end up in the shoes of someone even unhappier than yourself… There’s so much misery in the world. Doesn’t the thought of this Russian roulette scare you? No, we don’t know where we’re going. We don’t even know where we’re coming from! Does a butterfly remember being a caterpillar? Man doesn’t even remember being a monkey. Ah, a gas station! I thought we were going to run out of fuel. If you want to stretch your legs. Or use the restroom. Take your time; we’re not in a hurry. We don’t know where we’re going…

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Like a fish in the air
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Hitchhiking est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A character is seated at a table. On the table, a bottle of champagne sits in an ice bucket with two glasses. Another character arrives.
One – Have you been here long?
Two stands up.
Two – Just five minutes. How are you?
They exchange a hug before sitting back down.
One – I’m good. And you?
Two – I’m fine.
One – Champagne? What’s the occasion?
Two – Can’t you guess?
One – Obviously… So, how does it feel to be another year older?
Two – You remembered… That’s thoughtful.
One – Better than that… (He takes an envelope from his pocket and hands it over.) Here, I didn’t know what to get you, so… here you go.
Two looks a bit hesitant.
Two – An envelope? What is it?
One – Open it, and you’ll see…
Two – Let’s toast first, while it’s nice and cold.
He fills their glasses. They toast.
One – Cheers! Happy birthday!
Two – Thanks! Cheers!
They drink.
One – So, aren’t you going to open it?
Two still doesn’t look too enthusiastic.
Two – Oh, yes, right… I’m intrigued… What could it possibly be?
He opens the envelope.
One – I wasn’t sure what you’d like, so I thought, at least, this would be an original gift.
Two – Don’t tell me it’s another voucher for a parachute jump or something…
He pulls a piece of paper from the envelope and looks at it.
One – Well?
Two – A voucher… for a hitman.
One – Told you… it’s original.
Two (still reading) – “Take out anyone you like…”
One – You just need to fill in the name of the target in the blank space.
Two – The target?
One – The person you’d love to get rid of!
Two – Right…
One – To make sure there’s no mistake, you can also add the address and attach a photo.
Two – Got it…
One – Do you like it?
Two – Yes, it’s… It’s definitely an original gift.
One – So… have you thought of anyone yet?
Two – Thought of anyone?
One – The name of the person you’ll put in the blank space!
Two – Oh, I… Not yet… I’ll have to think about it…
One – Be careful, you only get one name. And you can’t do it again. That’s clearly stated in the contract.
Two – Right…
One – Otherwise, it might look suspicious, you see.
Two – Of course. Well… Yes, I’ll give it some thought…
One – Don’t take too long, though, okay? It’s valid for only a year.
Two – Got it…
One – They promise to execute the contract within six months of receiving the form. Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back!
Two – No, no, it’s… It’s a fantastic gift.
One – Surely, you’ve got someone in mind… If you had to take out just one person on this earth…
Two – A name does come to mind but…
One – Well, it’s specified that it has to be an ordinary person, yeah? Not a sitting president, a TV presenter, or any celebrity. No, someone like family, a friend or…
Two – A friend?
One – A friend who’s betrayed you.
Two – Betrayed me?
One – Someone who slept with your wife, for instance.
Two – Are you telling me my wife is cheating on me?
One – Not at all! It’s just an example. It could be… I don’t know… Your mother-in-law, your boss, your tax inspector… Or even your wife, for that matter.
Two – Because she’s cheating on me?
One – Because you can’t stand her anymore! You want your freedom back, but you’re not keen on paying alimony for the rest of your life either.
Two – I get on very well with my wife.
One – Don’t tell me there isn’t someone in your life who wouldn’t make things a bit easier by… not being around.
Two – To the point of killing them? No, can’t think of anyone…
One – You’re so frustrating sometimes… I don’t know, just… someone who annoys you.
Two starts to lose patience.
Two – Someone who annoys me… like, say, someone who gives me ridiculous gifts every year for my birthday, for example?
One – Do you think I always give you ridiculous gifts?
Two – Last year, it was a gift certificate for ten sessions with a psychotherapist! And the year before that, it was a package to arrange my own disappearance!
One – And yet, you didn’t even use that one.
A pause.
Two – I’m going to put your name down…
The other watches him scribbling on the paper, looking uneasy.
One – Now, now, you can still think it over… Shall I top up your glass?
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Killer Sketches
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Gift est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Two characters are seated at a café table, each with a glass of red wine.
One – Cheers!
Two – Cheers!
They take a sip. The first grimaces. The other seems to enjoy it.
One – It’s really awful, isn’t it?
Two – Yes, but to me, it tastes like freedom.
One – Why? You just got out of prison?
Two – Almost. My in-laws are staying at mine for the holidays. I managed to sneak out for an hour.
One – Ah, tough break.
Two – I told them I was going to check the oil in the car.
One – Don’t you drive an electric?
Two – Yeah… You see what it’s come to…
One – Right…
Two – They’ve only been here two days, and I’m already sick of them. Especially my father-in-law…
Silence.
One – Want me to get rid of him for you?
Two – You mean, take them in? If my wife agrees, I’d hand them over immediately. I’m willing to pay, you know. I’d pay double the B&B rate because, trust me, they’re no gift.
One – No, I meant… make them disappear.
Two – Disappear? You’re a magician? Unfortunately, whenever a magician makes someone disappear, they always reappear after a few minutes. What good would that do? And you’re not a magician, are you?
One – No, of course not… No, I mean make them disappear… for good.
The other one is taken aback.
Two – Very funny.
One – I’m not joking.
Two – For good…?
One – I know a guy who could take care of it, if you want.
Two – You’re kidding?
One – Not at all.
Two – You mean… a hitman?
One – He’d only do it as a favour, though. Not for free, of course.
Two – You know hitmen?
One – No, I don’t know… hitmen. But I know one.
Two – Well, I don’t know any, you see. Where did you meet this guy?
One – In prison.
Two – In prison?
One – We shared a cell for three years.
Two – You’ve been to prison?
One – Yeah.
Two – What for?
One – What for?
Two – Why did they lock you up? What did you do?
One – Attempted murder.
Two – Attempted?
One – I botched the job. I wasn’t very skilled. But this guy’s a pro, I swear. He’s taken out more than a few, I guarantee it.
Two – You’re pulling my leg here…
One – Not at all.
Two – You’re serious?
One – Deadly serious.
The other takes this in, processing the information.
Two – That’s crazy. I didn’t know hitmen existed outside of movies. So, you just place an order, like ordering a pizza, and…
One – Yes. It’s called a contract.
The other thinks again.
Two – A contract… And how much would it cost? I mean, just out of curiosity?
One – It depends…
Two – Depends on what?
One – Well, is it just for one, or for both of them? Since you said it’s mostly your father-in-law who…
Two – I don’t know. How much would it be per person?
One – I’d have to ask him… Around 8,500 euros maybe.
Two – That’s… oddly specific.
One – He’d probably give you a deal for the pair.
Two – How much?
One – For a couple… about 15,000.
Two – We’re talking VAT included, I assume.
One – Cash is simpler, unless you need an invoice.
Two (thinking) – Right…
One – Want me to ask him?
Two – No, not at all… I said “right” as in… I get it. Obviously, I don’t agree. (Pause) Although it’s pretty tempting…
One – Yeah.
Two – And it’s risky, isn’t it? I mean… the perfect crime doesn’t exist.
One – What makes you say that?
Two – I don’t know… that’s what they say.
One – By definition, perfect crimes aren’t classed as crimes. They’re accidents, natural deaths, suicides… So, if a perfect crime exists, we wouldn’t know about it. That’s why they say it doesn’t exist.
Two – I see… To avoid inspiring people.
One – For all we know, out of a hundred people who die, ten could be victims of perfect crimes, and we’d have no idea.
Two – You really think so?
One – I’ve known quite a few who’d committed perfect crimes.
Two – Really? And where did you meet them?
One – In prison.
Two – If they’d committed perfect crimes, what were they doing in prison?
One – Oh, they were in prison for something else.
Two – Yeah… Not very reassuring. I think I’ll take some time to consider it. And fifteen grand, that’s a fair sum…
Pause.
One – And your in-laws are planning to stay with you every holiday?
Two – Yeah… that’s why I’m not saying no straight away…
One – Suit yourself.
Two – On the other hand, I don’t want to end up in jail, like you.
Pause.
One – There’s always kidnapping.
Two – Kidnapping?
One – It’s less permanent, but… if you get caught, the sentence is lighter. Plus, you can ask for a ransom.
Two – A ransom?
One – And with the ransom, you can pay the kidnapper. Costs you nothing. Play your cards right and you might even make a profit.
Two – A ransom… Who’d pay a ransom to free my father-in-law? My mother-in-law, maybe, but even that’s doubtful. Besides, she’s broke.
One – No other family?
Two – Well, there’s my brother-in-law. And my sister-in-law. They’re arriving next week.
One – They’re staying with you too?
Two – Yeah, unfortunately.
One – Ah, tough break…
Two – Quite.
Pause.
One – Don’t tell me you want to get rid of them too.
Two – Depends. For four, would your mate give me a big discount?
One – Best not make it too obvious. Are there a lot more people you’d like to get rid of?
Two – Can’t stand my parents either… And don’t get me started on my two sisters and their idiot husbands.
One – They coming over for the holidays too?
Two – Oh no! They’re not invited. But they still drive me up the wall. And once the holidays are over, there’s my boss…
One – Just so you know, my friend’s a hitman, not a mass shooter like in America.
Two – Right, because as long as there’s one left to get on my nerves… No, I won’t go down that road. It’d never end. And I don’t have the funds…
The other stands up.
One – In that case, I’m off.
Two – Yeah, me too. Got people waiting for me at home…
One – Well then… Enjoy your holidays.
Two – Cheers…
One – And if you change your mind, you’ve got my number.
Two – OK… Who are you spending the holidays with?
One – Just the wife.
Two – Don’t tell me the others…
One – If I told you… it wouldn’t be the perfect crime.
He leaves. The other is left thoughtful for a moment and then exits as well.
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Killer Sketches
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Contract est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.