Two characters enter. As they pass each other, they stop.
One – Excuse me, do you have a light, please?
Two – Yes, but I won’t give it to you.
One – And why’s that, if I may ask?
Two – Because smoking is very bad for your health! Smoking kills. It’s written on cigarette packets. And between you and me, in a theatre, it could be quite dangerous too.
One – Oh no, it’s not to light a cigarette… nor to set the theatre on fire.
Two – Really?
One – It’s to set fire to a house.
Two – Why would you want to set fire to a house?
One – It’s my wife’s lover’s house.
Two – In that case… (He hands the other a box of matches.) Take the whole box. Just in case your wife has more than one lover.
One – Thank you.
Two – You’re welcome, it’s only right.
He exits. The other takes a cigarette from his pocket and lights it.
One – I really need to quit…
He exits.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Stage Briefs
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article No Smoke Without Fire est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Two characters arrive.
Jo – Do you have news about him?
Nic – He’s dead.
Jo – Damn. So it wasn’t so benign after all. I didn’t know you could die from laugher.
Nic – Actually, he died from exhaustion. He was overcome with laughter from morning till night. And even at night. He couldn’t sleep. It was his heart that gave out. He didn’t get to enjoy his sick leave for long.
Jo – And the doctors couldn’t do anything to save him?
Nic – They tried everything to make him stop laughing. They even took him to the theatre. But the disease was already too advanced…
A faint fire alarm is heard. A third person arrives, panicked and in their underwear.
Mat – There’s a fire on the ground floor!
Jo – A fire?
Mat – I work on the first floor but I went up to the seventh for… Anyway, I decided to take refuge on the top floor. By the time the fire spreads up here, maybe they’ll come rescue us by helicopter.
Nic – You watch too much TV…
Mat – Oh my God, I left all my files in my office! Considering how badly the company is doing, with the stock price plummeting…
Jo – Well, if we all get burned alive…
Nic – If you want, we can have your company’s logo engraved on your tombstone with the inscription “Died for the financial system.”
Mat – You’re right… If we make it out of this, I swear, I won’t take all this so seriously anymore… After all, you only live once!
Jo – Except for cats, which have nine lives…
Nic glances at their phone to read the text message they just received.
Nic – I just got a text from a colleague who works on the first floor.
Mat – Have the firefighters been alerted?
Nic – It’s just a fire drill.
Mat (making the sign of the cross) – Thank God…
Jo – Yes… We can almost call it a miracle…
Mat – I need to get back right away. My boss will wonder where I’ve gone.
Mat leaves.
Nic – We’re quickly caught up by daily life…
Jo – Yes.
Nic – We should have rebelled as soon as we were in daycare.
Jo – Yes… But we kept our mouths shut.
Nic – Then it continued with school.
Jo – We realized we were already bored full-time, but we thought it would get better once we finished our studies.
Nic – And then we started working and thought it would get better when we retired.
Jo – And that’s when they abolished pensions.
They start to leave.
Nic – By the way, what do you think of the newcomer?
Jo – The newcomer?
Nic – Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed her…
They leave. A character arrives alone.
Ben – It wasn’t a fire drill. It was me. I tried to discreetly smoke a joint in the bathroom. Just like when I was in middle school. But back then, the only smoke detector was the lunch lady… Now, the lunch lady is Big Brother, with sensors everywhere. That’s where we’re at. We still have to hide to smoke. At our age.
He lights up the joint and smokes.
Ben – What a mess… I wasn’t expecting to win the lottery, you know? I don’t play. And besides, winning the lottery… It’s really just a matter of chance. Something you didn’t do anything to earn. Just a little push from fate. Just a bit of luck. Enough to make life a little easier… Not too much, so you can still think: Okay, I got a bit of luck, but I still deserved it. But luck doesn’t exist. There are no miracles. Or maybe I had my chance, and I didn’t seize it. So I smoke. To see life in pink. Piaf also took a lot of things, right? But she managed to turn “La Vie en Rose” into a hit…
Another character arrives.
Ben (offering his joint) – Want some?
Charlie – Thanks, I’ve quit. (Starts vaping) What do you do?
Ben – Oh, various things. But overall, I’d say I’m mostly in a mess. And you?
Charlie – I’m… Well, I was an accountant. My boss just caught me with his secretary in the office restrooms.
Ben – Is it prohibited by your company’s internal regulations to sleep with the boss’s secretary?
Charlie – Only if the boss is already sleeping with his secretary.
Ben – I see. Priority right. So, you’re fired.
Charlie – Without notice. I have to clear out my desk by tonight.
Ben – And what are you going to do?
Charlie – You know what? I think this firing is an opportunity for me.
Ben – Oh, really? So, you’re the positive-thinking type…
Charlie – I would never have had the courage to resign. I’m going to start my own business.
Ben – An accounting firm, then.
Charlie – When you get out of prison, you don’t dream of becoming a guard. No, I’m going to open a restaurant. I don’t know why, but I’ve always wanted to run a restaurant. Even though I don’t know how to cook.
Ben – Oh, I see. Still, it can help when you want to get into the restaurant business…
Charlie – Are you in the restaurant business?
Ben – No, IT.
Charlie – I’m going to need a chef… Do you know how to cook?
Ben – I can make pasta.
Charlie – We could open an Italian restaurant.
Ben – Where are you going to set up this restaurant?
Charlie – In the South… If you’re going to do it… You know the song. If I have to end up in poverty, it’ll be less painful in the sun.
Ben – And, when you open a restaurant, at least you’re sure you’ll never starve.
The other prepares to leave.
Charlie – Alright, I’m going to pack up all my office stuff into a box, just like in American TV shows, and then I’m leaving.
Ben – I’ll come down with you…
Charlie – To the South?
Ben – No, to the elevator, to start with.
They exit.
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Nicotine
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Died for Finance est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A rooftop terrace. Two characters, either men or women, arrive. They light up cigarettes, possibly electronic. An uncomfortable silence ensues.
Casey – Did you know him?
Jordan – Yes, well… just by sight… I saw him around here occasionally during his smoke breaks… And you?
Casey – He worked in the office right next to mine.
Jordan – Mmm…
Casey – If we had suspected anything…
Jordan – Suspected what?
Casey – Well, what was going to happen to him.
Jordan – Mmm… And what could we have done?
Casey – I don’t know… We could have tried something…
Jordan – Oh yeah? Like what, for example?
Casey – You’re right, we couldn’t have done anything.
Jordan – Exactly.
Casey – It’s fate.
Jordan – So we have nothing to regret.
A moment passes as they smoke.
Casey – His wife decided to cremate him. That’s what he wanted, it seems.
Jordan – Yes, of course…
Casey – Why? Did he mention it to you?
Jordan – He set himself on fire… One could deduce he had a certain preference for cremation.
Casey – Mmm…
Jordan – And besides, for cremation, the hardest part is already done.
Casey – Well, he didn’t set himself on fire deliberately. It was an accident.
Jordan – An accident… You’d agree that with that level of clumsiness, we could still call it a failed act, right?
Casey – It’s true that lighting a cigarette while filling the gas tank with a jerrycan… It’s suicidal.
Jordan – Especially when it happens on the side of a highway. (A moment passes) Dit it happen before or after the truck hit him?
Casey – Before what?
Jordan – Before he went up in flames like a torch.
Casey – I think it was after. He started running as if he wanted to cross the highway. The truck driver tried to swerve, but couldn’t.
Jordan – Good thing the truck didn’t catch fire too.
Casey – It was a fire truck. You could say he had some luck in his misfortune. He got first aid immediately.
Jordan – Unfortunately, it was already too late.
Casey – What an idea to cross like that, without looking. Like a madman.
Jordan – Though, he was already engulfed in flames.
Casey – Who knows what he was trying to find on the other side of the highway.
Jordan – That… we’ll never know…
Casey – Mmm… He’ll take his secret to the grave…
Jordan – But you were right earlier. If we had suspected anything, we could have done something.
Casey – Like what?
Jordan – We could have tried to convince him to quit smoking.
Casey – Cigarettes… should be banned! Do you know how many people die every year because of tobacco?
Jordan – Well, he didn’t die directly from the harmful effects of tobacco on his health…
Casey – If he hadn’t lit a match over his jerrycan after running out of gas on the highway while going to pick up his mother-in-law, he’d be here smoking a cigarette with us today.
Jordan – It’s fate, I tell you. Well, shall we go?
They are about to leave.
Casey – They found a black cat on the median of the highway. I wonder if that brought him bad luck.
Jordan – And the cat, did it survive?
Casey – The cat? We don’t know if it’s alive or dead.
Jordan – Maybe he tried to cross the lanes to save the cat…
They leave.
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Nicotine
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article A Twist of Fate est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A rooftop terrace. A man arrives (Anthony), followed closely by a woman (Clara). They exchange glances but clearly don’t know each other, and quickly look away. The man takes out an electronic cigarette. The woman does the same. The man pretends to look for something in his pockets, then approaches the woman.
Anthony – Excuse me, do you have a lighter, please?
Clara looks puzzled.
Clara – But, it’s an electronic cigarette, right?
Anthony – True, sorry about that. Now that I’ve quit smoking, I guess I’ll need to update my flirting methods a bit.
Clara – If I may say so, you should have updated them since the late ’80s. Don’t you think?
Anthony – Actually, I was just trying to make you laugh. But it seems it missed the mark.
Clara – I see. So the thing with the lighter was a joke. In that case, bravo, very funny. A little heads-up like “Attention, joke” would’ve been nice.
Anthony – I’m also good at being funny unintentionally, you know. Making people laugh comes naturally to me. Sometimes, I even understand my own jokes after I’ve made them. How long has it been since you quit…?
Clara – Making jokes?
Anthony – Smoking.
Clara – Oh no, I’ve never smoked cigarettes. Not yet, anyway. I’m just vaping to try it out.
Anthony – To try it out?
Clara – To see if I really like it.
Anthony – Ah, I see…
Clara – And if I do like it, I’ll start smoking real cigarettes, with real tobacco. Does that sound silly to you?
Anthony – Not at all.
Clara – Although, it is kind of absurd.
Anthony – So, are you pulling my leg now?
Clara – Exactly. And in my case, believe me, it’s completely intentional. I’m only funny when I decide to be.
Anthony – Well… Then we’re even. I also appreciate a woman with a sense of humour, you know? And I have to admit, at first, I was worried you might be completely humourless.
Clara – I’m relieved to hear that. I was worried I’d already disappointed you. But tell me, when you talk about a woman’s sense of humour, are you referring to her ability to laugh at your jokes, whether intentional or not?
He looks puzzled for a moment.
Anthony – How about we take a break?
Clara – I was about to suggest that. After all, that’s why we’re here, right?
Both vape separately.
Anthony – Anyway, it would never have worked out between us.
Clara – Is the break already over?
Anthony – We work at the same company…
Clara – They say one in three people meets their partner at work.
Anthony – Can you imagine going home together to our little apartment in the suburbs and asking each other how our day went – when we’ve worked in the same office all day?
Clara – We work in the same office?
Anthony – I didn’t catch your attention, fair enough. But if you haven’t noticed, maybe you need glasses.
Clara – I’m just pulling your leg again. It’s impressive that we can still surprise each other, even after working together in the same office for three months.
Anthony – You’ve been here three months?
Clara – I’d prefer to take that as one of your unintentional jokes, or it might be a bit offensive. But I agree, in the long run, it would be unbearable.
Anthony – Well, then I see only one solution.
Clara – What’s that?
Anthony – I quit.
Clara – I’m not sure I’d prefer dating an unemployed guy over an office colleague. You wouldn’t even have enough to pay the rent on your little apartment in the suburbs where you thought of inviting me to spend happy days with you.
Anthony – It’s amazing how practical women can be.
She ostentatiously blows the vapour from her cigarette in his face.
Clara – Prince Charmings are rarely listed as unemployed.
She puts away her electronic cigarette.
Anthony – We could still vape together.
Clara – Perhaps we’ll meet again another time.
Anthony – Just a reminder, we work in the same office. It’s unlikely we’ll never see each other again.
Clara – That’s a good reason not to risk sleeping together.
Clara leaves. Anthony stands puzzled for a moment. He smokes a bit more and then leaves too.
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Nicotine
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Old-School Flirting est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.