You can stay seated! I am… your new philosophy teacher. I know, up until now, you mostly knew me as the physical education instructor… But, as you may be aware, Mrs. Weird, I mean Mrs. Weir, tragically took her own life last night by setting herself on fire in her bathtub filled with unleaded petrol… Oh, you weren’t aware? I apologize. Regardless, due to a current shortage of philosophy teachers in the National Education system… for some reason, philosophers are going through a crisis of vocation, much like priests… The Director requested that I fill in for Mrs. Weird. Mrs. Weir. You know, in our profession these days, you have to be versatile… You need to adapt. When you have a job, if you manage to find one, they’ll expect you to adapt. They call it employability. Well, that’s what the Director told me. I understand, you’ll be getting your high school diploma at the end of the year, but… it was either me or nothing… So, you might as well learn to adapt right away. Well, if you don’t have any questions, let’s get started. So, in the end, what is philosophy? It’s not that complicated, is it? It’s about asking the fundamental questions. I mean, the pointless questions. Like… I don’t know… What’s this mess around us? How did this chaos start? Will this craziness ever end? Wherever Mrs. Weird is now, she might finally hold the answers to these questions. Unfortunately, she can’t return to share whether there’s life after death, as she’s now completely charred. So, for your exams, it seems we’ll have to figure things out on our own, right? Anyway, philosophers have been asking these kinds of absurd questions for millennia, without managing to find an explanation that makes any sense. Well, believe it or not, even though I’ve never studied philosophy, I think I’ve found the answer. Well… a beginning of an answer… The key is to go back to basics. If you look carefully, you’ll realize the answer lies within yourself. No need to wade through the unreadable books Mrs. Weird distributed in the bibliography at the start of the year. I can’t say for certain whether she had read all those books herself, but look where it got her… Well, trust me, it’s better for each of you to draw from your own experiences and tap into your own memories. I’m confident that at some point in your life, you’ve encountered the truth without even realising it. For me, it happened during a pilgrimage to Mont Saint-Michel, where I experienced what you might call a revelation… Initially, I wasn’t overly excited about the prospect of visiting Mont Saint-Michel. I mean, my wife was more enthusiastic about it. But let’s be honest, Mont Saint-Michel is one of those places you should experience at least once in your life, right? Plus, the bus trip was sponsored by the town hall. Anyway, my wife and I arrived at the parking lot around noon after a three-hour drive in dense fog, not even able to make a pit stop at a gas station. There was no time to waste because we had to return to Paris that evening, so it was kind of a commando operation, you know? So everyone swiftly disembarked from the bus and started making their way briskly toward the basilica. Even though we don’t really believe in God, here’s a meditative atmosphere that envelops the place. We were approximately halfway there when my wife remarked, “Isn’t it unbelievable? Mont Saint-Michel is a UNESCO World Heritage Site, and if we don’t take action, it might not even be an island in a few years.” At that moment, I must confess I didn’t quite grasp where she was leading the conversation. With the low tide, Mont Saint-Michel, shrouded in fog, appeared more like a massive mound on the beach. Nevertheless, it triggered some contemplation within me, and I found myself pondering. Why Mont Saint-Michel instead of nothing? Why my wife instead of someone else? Why the prospect of an island during high tide, but not during low tide? Meanwhile, we were nearing the basilica. The cold was biting! It was December, just a few days before Christmas. Maybe that had something to do with it too. As I ascended the hill, an unusual sensation stirred within me. I held a firm belief that in this sacred place, I would uncover answers to questions I had never even considered before. However, being a bit out of breath, chilled to the bone, and having promised my mother-in-law a souvenir from Mont Saint-Michel, I decided to step into a nearby souvenir shop. Well, souvenirs were certainly not in short supply there. Anyway, I scanned the shop, hoping to find something budget-friendly for my mother-in-law. Then, almost miraculously, I came across one of those small glass domes filled with water and featuring Mont Saint-Michel inside. You know the ones, right? They do a similar thing in Paris with the Eiffel Tower. Absentmindedly, I picked up the item and, as if guided by a force other than my own, started shaking it.
You won’t believe what happened next – snow began to fall! I mean, initially, in the crystal ball, of course. But then, I casually glanced towards the door, and what do you know? It had started snowing outside too! That’s when it dawned on me in an epiphany of cosmic proportions. This crystal ball wasn’t just a trinket; it was a miniature universe! The world was literally in the palm of my hands. I stood there, basking in the glow of this newfound revelation. I stared at the ball, then looked outside. The more I shook the ball, the more it snowed on Mont Saint-Michel. I was all-powerful. I was the Almighty! Well, after a while, since the shopkeeper was starting to shoot me odd glances, I reluctantly had to set the ball down. Slowly but surely, all the snow gracefully settled back down, and I snapped back to reality. Yet, since that whimsical moment, I’ve been enlightened: the world is basically a snow globe where you can decipher both the past and the future. You give it a shake, and it’s akin to the Big Bang. The snowflakes never land in the same place, in the same sequence, or at the same pace, but eventually, every flake finds its way to the ground. Then, with another shake, it all starts anew. It’s perpetually different, yet fundamentally the same. No two snowflakes are identical; they each chart their unique course, but in the grand scheme, there’s always the same volume of snow, and, inevitably, everything descends downward, you catch my drift? Well, I haven’t figured out yet who’s shaking the thing, and why, but… I have my little theory. Why do you think all the fools who enter a souvenir shop at Mont Saint-Michel feel an irresistible urge to shake the thing I’m talking about? It’s all for the sheer joy of watching the snow fall! So, if God exists, why wouldn’t He want to do the same? And hold on tight because it’s not over… And brace yourselves because it’s not over… What if, in the end, God was me? I mean, all of you too, if you want. Well, the sum of all the idiots of our species, right? Admit it, it’s mind-boggling, isn’t it? That’s precisely why when the Director asked me if I had some knowledge of philosophy to replace Mrs. Weird, I said yes right away. I believe it was a sign from destiny, you know? An opportunity for me to generously share the knowledge I have modestly acquired about the mysteries of the world that surrounds us with as many people as possible…
Well, I think that’ll do for today. Let’s not set the bar too high for our first session, after all. Alright, now everyone get down on your stomachs! We’re going to do some push-ups together to wrap it up. A sound mind in a sound body, as Madam Director likes to say.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Like a fish in the air
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Let It Snow est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

At the bar the owner and a customer.
Owner –So, did you pass?
Customer – Just scraped through.
Owner – Your parents must have been thrilled.
Customer – They didn’t say anything, anyway.
Owner – Some people just don’t talk much.
Customer – I wish, just once in my life, my parents had told me they were proud of me. Even if it wasn’t true. Don’t you?
Owner – What I wish is that I could have told my parents I was proud of them…
Customer – Do you have kids?
Owner – No. And I’m not sure they would have been proud of me…
Customer – Why’s that?
Owner – So, your parents didn’t kill you…
Customer – No. But that’s when the real trouble started.
Owner – Did you struggle to find a job after finishing your studies?
Customer – I ended up finding one. A basic job, as they say.
Owner – Still better than working the streets.
Customer – Maybe… High school ends your innocence. But that first job, that’s like losing your virginity. You realise you’re properly screwed. You know it only hurts the first time, and you’ll get used to it. But deep down, you suspect it’ll take a hell of a lot of imagination to ever enjoy it… What was it like for you?
Owner – Losing my virginity?
Customer – Your first job! What did you do before going into business for yourself?
Owner – I used to work the street.
Customer – Ah… So you do know what I mean.
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection At the Bar Counter
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Barely Passed est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A bar. A table where two teenage girls are seated. Both are looking out the window toward the audience.
One – What are all those pigeons doing here?
Two (distracted) – What?
One – The pigeons! Why are they only in the city? (The other looks preoccupied with something else.) They’re not really pets. I mean, not like dogs or cats. They’re birds. They’re free, they’re not in cages, and they can fly. They could just leave.
Two – Where would they go?
One – I don’t know. To the countryside. Why don’t they just fly off to the countryside, all those pigeons?
Two – To the countryside…? There’s nothing for them to peck at in the countryside…
One – They make me feel sick, just watching them.
Two (distracted) – Yeah…
One – Look, they’re coprophiles.
Two – Huh?
One – Didn’t you see what they were eating?
Two – What?
One – Dog shit…
Two (glancing, not too interested) – Oh… right…
One – Isn’t that what they call an ecosystem?
Two – Why do they stay here eating crap when they could be eating cherries in the countryside?
One – Cherry season isn’t all year round. (Her phone rings, she answers) Yes… Yes… Yes… Okay.
She hangs up.
Two – So?
One – They haven’t posted the results yet…
Two – What if we didn’t pass?
One – I’d rather not think about it… Why would we not pass?
Two – I don’t know. Fear of winning. Like a show horse that refuses the jump at the last second. Happens to the best champions.
One – Wait, we’re not horses. And besides, high school exams aren’t a competition. It’s like the driving test. Just because a lot of people pass it doesn’t mean you’re less likely to.
Two – Yeah well, precisely. I’ve already failed the driving test twice…
One – If I fail, I’m dead. My parents would kill me. They stuck me in this Catholic school because they had a 100% success rate. It costs them a full wage every month. If I don’t pay them back…
Two – However, there have been years when it was 99%.So someone can fail, now and then. It’s rare, but it can happen.
One – I don’t know… I don’t know… Maybe the guy missed his train…
The phone rings. The first answers immediately.
One – Yes… Yes… Yes… Okay…
She hangs up, her face unreadable.
Two – Well?
One – They’ve just released the results.
Two (tense) – And then?
No longer pretending, the second bursts into joy.
One – We passed! Damn it, we passed, I’m telling you!
They both hug.
Two – You shouldn’t have strung me along like that. My heart’s beating a hundred miles an hour.
One – You mean a hundred a minute. If it were a hundred an hour, you’d be dead already.
Two – What grade did we get?
One – Wait, it’s already good news… Don’t ask for a miracle. Oh god… We’ll have to celebrate…
Two – Yes… Although, everyone has their high school diploma now…
One – Mmm… That’s when the real trouble starts.
Two – Come on… Life is beautiful! It’s summer!
They leave.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection At the Bar Counter
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Pigeons est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.