Two characters enter. As they pass each other, they stop.
One – Excuse me, do you have a light, please?
Two – Yes, but I won’t give it to you.
One – And why’s that, if I may ask?
Two – Because smoking is very bad for your health! Smoking kills. It’s written on cigarette packets. And between you and me, in a theatre, it could be quite dangerous too.
One – Oh no, it’s not to light a cigarette… nor to set the theatre on fire.
Two – Really?
One – It’s to set fire to a house.
Two – Why would you want to set fire to a house?
One – It’s my wife’s lover’s house.
Two – In that case… (He hands the other a box of matches.) Take the whole box. Just in case your wife has more than one lover.
One – Thank you.
Two – You’re welcome, it’s only right.
He exits. The other takes a cigarette from his pocket and lights it.
One – I really need to quit…
He exits.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Stage Briefs
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article No Smoke Without Fire est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A woman arrives, dressed as Mrs. Claus. She lights a cigarette or starts vaping. A man arrives in turn. He first sees her from behind and is a bit surprised by her Santa Claus costume. He’s even more surprised when the woman turns around and he sees that she’s Mrs. Claus.
Man – Hello…
Mrs. Claus – Hi.
Man – You…?
Mrs. Claus – I’m here for the Christmas tree.
Man – The Christmas tree…?
Mrs. Claus – The company’s Christmas tree. The one you work for, I assume.
Man – Oh yes, that’s right… The Christmas tree… I didn’t even know they still did that… With all these secularism laws…
Mrs. Claus – You don’t have any children…
Man – No time, unfortunately. Maybe in twenty or thirty years… If my company’s health insurance agrees to cover the cost of freezing my sperm until retirement. And you…?
Mrs. Claus – I work every other year for the Works Council. The rest of the year, I do theatre. But you know, theatre…
Man – Yes… One has to make a living… And don’t you have a beard?
Mrs. Claus – Would you prefer that I had a beard?
Man – No, no, you’re… You’re quite charming as you are… But why every other year? Christmas is every year. Don’t tell me the Works Council has decided to celebrate Christmas only in odd years to save money?
Mrs. Claus – It’s because of gender parity.
Man – Gender parity?
Mrs. Claus – To fight sexism, the Works Council decided that every other year, Santa Claus would be a woman.
Man – Oh, I see…
Mrs. Claus – When you think about it… There’s no reason that only male actors should expect to find a side job during the holidays.
Man – I have to admit, I had never thought of that.
Mrs. Claus – For us, with Christmas trees, store promotions, private parties… it’s a very important seasonal activity. Last year, it’s what helped me to save my job.
Man – As Mrs. Claus…
Mrs. Claus – As an actress!
Man – Of course…
The man starts vaping as well.
Man – And do you have any children?
Mrs. Claus – I have thousands…
Man – Oh really? Maybe a mishap during the thawing of your eggs?
Mrs. Claus – I’m Mrs. Claus! All children are my children.
Man – Right…
They smoke for a moment.
Man – And… is there a Santa Claus?
Mrs. Claus – Don’t tell me that at your age, you’re still asking that question?
Man – I meant, when you get home, is there a Santa Claus waiting for you at your cottage, with whom you share all the household chores according to strict gender equality rules?
Mrs. Claus – Well, no. Since you want to know everything, no one is waiting downstairs with a sleigh. As far as I’m concerned, Santa Claus doesn’t exist…
Man – It’s funny, but unlike the first time I heard this, today I tend to think it’s good news…
Mrs. Claus puts out her cigarette or puts away her vape.
Mrs. Claus – I have to go back… I need to finish decorating the tree… And then I have an hour on the train to get home…
Man – I have my car downstairs. I also have something to finish, and then I’m leaving. I can drop you off, if you want. It’s on my way.
Mrs. Claus – I haven’t even told you where I live yet.
Man – But I already know it’s on my way.
Mrs. Claus – The magic of Christmas…
They leave together. Music of choice. All participants return to the stage, as zombies, for a Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”-style choreography, revisited as a flash mob.
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Nicotine
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Mrs. Claus est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Anthony returns. Shortly after, Clara arrives.
Clara – Are you still here?
Anthony – No one is waiting for me at home. It seems you aren’t either.
Clara – No.
Anthony – But this is the last time I’m working overtime. Just a few files to wrap up before leaving.
Clara – Leaving?
Anthony – I handed in my resignation today.
Clara – I hope it’s not because of me.
Anthony – Why would it be because of you?
Clara – To avoid working in the same company in the unlikely event that we end up having sex? In that case, it’s a shame. It really wasn’t necessary.
Anthony – Are you so sure that we’ll never sleep together?
Clara – Especially since I’m working as a temp. My assignment here ends tonight anyway…
Anthony – So, it turns out we’re both unemployed.
Clara (ironically) – Nothing stands in the way of our love anymore…
He kisses her, and she lets him.
Anthony – I’ve updated my flirting methods a bit. And I’ve stopped with jokes.
Clara – I can see that… No more joking around.
Anthony – Let’s say I’m a bit more direct.
Clara – I don’t mind.
Anthony – It’s starting to get dark. We’ll soon be able to see the stars.
Clara notices something against one of the walls of the terrace that might remain invisible.
Clara – What are those plaques with inscriptions?
Anthony – Oh, you didn’t know? It’s true you’re a temp. They’re epitaphs.
Clara – Epitaphs?
Anthony – Some companies provide heir employees with nurseries. Well, the owners of this tower offer employees a memorial garden for the ashes of the deceased.
Clara – A memorial garden…
Anthony – Or rather, a memorial terrace, if you prefer. The relatives of deceased can scatter the ashes from the top of the tower. Or if not, the boss takes care of it.
Clara – And this memorial terrace also serves as a smoking area…
Anthony – With housing prices in the city… Given how expensive real estate is in the city… And this way, our dearly departed smokers get to feel like they’re on a break.
Clara – A permanent break.
Anthony – Tobacco has certainly contributed to the final solution of the pension problem…
Clara – And the cemetery has become an extension of the office. What’s written on these epitaphs?
Anthony moves closer to read some of them.
Anthony – Let’s see… (Reading) “I’m not here, but you can leave me a message”… “Change is now”… “Tomorrow I’ll quit smoking”…
Clara – Enlightening…
Anthony – Listen to this one, it sounds like an aphorism: “Unlike particles, testicles cannot be in two places at the same time”…
They exchange a look.
Clara – It’s true that this place is very romantic, but we might not want to linger too long.
Anthony – Can I smoke one last cigarette?
Clara (decisively) – If you want to come with me, now’s the time.
Anthony – Okay. (They head towards the exit) Where do you live?
Clara – Just nearby. Do you want to have a drink at my place?
Anthony – Sure. But I warn you, I never sleep over on the first date.
Clara – There you go again with your jokes.
They leave together. A character (man or woman) arrives. They vape for a moment before addressing the audience.
Character – This is my last cigarette. It’s over. I’m quitting. I don’t know why I’m telling you this. Anyway, tomorrow will be without me. I hesitated for a long time, and then I finally decided. It’s never the right time, is it? It’s not easy to find a good reason to keep going every day. But believe me, it’s even harder to stop here, without a reason. I don’t know how those people manage, leaving behind a little note. A resignation letter. What do they still hope for? A little understanding? I’m leaving in silence. What could I say to them? What could they understand? I don’t even understand myself. Life doesn’t understand me anymore. And if they answered me? What can you possibly say to the absent? I’m leaving without a word. Without notice. I’m making way. Because, of course, I’ll be replaced. So will you. Don’t kid yourself. In the crowd, no one is irreplaceable. When you’re gone, it will be someone else. Here or elsewhere. A little later or right after. It’s your life that wants this. The lives of others… (He/she stubs out the cigarette or puts away the vape.) No, if I could tell them something before I go, I’d just say: don’t worry, I’m going to blend into the crowd. I’m no longer here. I’ll be the multitude. (A pause) It’s not death. It’s just a new life beginning…
The character leaves.
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Nicotine
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Last cigarette est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Two women arrive. The second starts smoking or vaping.
Isabel – Sometimes, I swear, I feel like killing him.
Carmen – Who?
Isabel – The boss!
Carmen – Oh, right…
Isabel – You know he gets upset when I tell him I’m taking a smoking break?
Carmen – Maybe he’s concerned about your health.
Isabel – Yeah, right. Who does he think he is? Even slaves on galley ships got to take a break now and then.
Carmen – You think so?
Isabel – Well, we’re not slaves, after all!
Carmen – That’s true. (She offers her a cigarette) Want one?
Isabel – No, thanks, I quit.
Carmen – You quit smoking?
Isabel – Yes… That’s also why I’m a bit on edge, you know?
Carmen – And you still take your smoking break?
Isabel explodes.
Isabel – Oh no, not you too!
Carmen – What? What did I say?
Isabel – Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I’m giving up my smoking break!
Carmen – Yeah, no, I didn’t mean that.
Isabel – The smoking break is a hard-won right, damn it!
Carmen – Yeah, yeah, totally. Absolutely. Yeah.
Isabel – Oh, you’re all pissing me off!
She leaves. The other follows her.
Carmen – Wait, we can still talk…
Isabel – If this keeps up, I’ll start smoking again. Is that what you all want?
They exit.
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Nicotine
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Vested Interest est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A rooftop terrace. A man enters.
Alan – With or without filter…
Two women, one blonde and one brunette, arrive.
Alan – Blonde… or brunette.
The two women continue their conversation without paying attention to him.
Emily – So I told him, are you kidding me?
Jessica – And what did he say?
Emily – What did you expect him to say?
Jessica – Didn’t he say anything?
Emily – And what did he tell you?
Jessica – The same thing.
Emily – I can’t believe it!
Jessica – I assure you.
Emily – But it’s incredible. Did he really say that to you?
Jessica – He left me stunned.
Emily – Oh yeah, of course, no surprise there. But who does he think he is?
Jessica – You have to put him in his place now and then, obviously, because if not…
Emily – Oh no, I swear, there are times…
Alan strikes a theatrical pose to declaim in a Shakespearean style.
Alan – To smoke… or not to smoke.
Finally, the two women notice him and exchange a look of mistrust.
Alan – That is the question… Ladies… Have a good day…
Alan leaves. They smirk slightly but don’t respond. He exits.
Jessica – Who’s that? Do you know him?
Emily – I’ve seen him once or twice.
Jessica – He thinks he’s something, doesn’t he?
Emily – You can say that again.
Jessica – Does he think he’s Alain Delon or what?
Emily – Of course, he’s not Alain Delon, right?
Jessica – Do you know where he works?
Emily – I think on the fifth floor.
Jessica – On the fifth? What do they do on the fifth?
Emily – I don’t know… I suppose the same as on the sixth.
Jessica – Ah, I see. So he really thinks he’s something…
They smoke for a moment.
Emily – Well, to be honest, he’s not bad…
Jessica – I know, right.
Emily – He’s not Alain Delon, but still…
Jessica – Let’s be realistic, it’s unlikely we’ll ever see Alain Delon around here.
Emily – That’s for sure…
They start to leave.
Jessica – And you say he works on the fifth floor?
Emily – I think so.
Jessica – Isn’t Alain Delon dead?
They exit.
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Nicotine
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article With or without filter est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A rooftop terrace. Two characters, either men or women, arrive. They light up cigarettes, possibly electronic. An uncomfortable silence ensues.
Casey – Did you know him?
Jordan – Yes, well… just by sight… I saw him around here occasionally during his smoke breaks… And you?
Casey – He worked in the office right next to mine.
Jordan – Mmm…
Casey – If we had suspected anything…
Jordan – Suspected what?
Casey – Well, what was going to happen to him.
Jordan – Mmm… And what could we have done?
Casey – I don’t know… We could have tried something…
Jordan – Oh yeah? Like what, for example?
Casey – You’re right, we couldn’t have done anything.
Jordan – Exactly.
Casey – It’s fate.
Jordan – So we have nothing to regret.
A moment passes as they smoke.
Casey – His wife decided to cremate him. That’s what he wanted, it seems.
Jordan – Yes, of course…
Casey – Why? Did he mention it to you?
Jordan – He set himself on fire… One could deduce he had a certain preference for cremation.
Casey – Mmm…
Jordan – And besides, for cremation, the hardest part is already done.
Casey – Well, he didn’t set himself on fire deliberately. It was an accident.
Jordan – An accident… You’d agree that with that level of clumsiness, we could still call it a failed act, right?
Casey – It’s true that lighting a cigarette while filling the gas tank with a jerrycan… It’s suicidal.
Jordan – Especially when it happens on the side of a highway. (A moment passes) Dit it happen before or after the truck hit him?
Casey – Before what?
Jordan – Before he went up in flames like a torch.
Casey – I think it was after. He started running as if he wanted to cross the highway. The truck driver tried to swerve, but couldn’t.
Jordan – Good thing the truck didn’t catch fire too.
Casey – It was a fire truck. You could say he had some luck in his misfortune. He got first aid immediately.
Jordan – Unfortunately, it was already too late.
Casey – What an idea to cross like that, without looking. Like a madman.
Jordan – Though, he was already engulfed in flames.
Casey – Who knows what he was trying to find on the other side of the highway.
Jordan – That… we’ll never know…
Casey – Mmm… He’ll take his secret to the grave…
Jordan – But you were right earlier. If we had suspected anything, we could have done something.
Casey – Like what?
Jordan – We could have tried to convince him to quit smoking.
Casey – Cigarettes… should be banned! Do you know how many people die every year because of tobacco?
Jordan – Well, he didn’t die directly from the harmful effects of tobacco on his health…
Casey – If he hadn’t lit a match over his jerrycan after running out of gas on the highway while going to pick up his mother-in-law, he’d be here smoking a cigarette with us today.
Jordan – It’s fate, I tell you. Well, shall we go?
They are about to leave.
Casey – They found a black cat on the median of the highway. I wonder if that brought him bad luck.
Jordan – And the cat, did it survive?
Casey – The cat? We don’t know if it’s alive or dead.
Jordan – Maybe he tried to cross the lanes to save the cat…
They leave.
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Nicotine
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article A Twist of Fate est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A rooftop terrace. A man arrives (Anthony), followed closely by a woman (Clara). They exchange glances but clearly don’t know each other, and quickly look away. The man takes out an electronic cigarette. The woman does the same. The man pretends to look for something in his pockets, then approaches the woman.
Anthony – Excuse me, do you have a lighter, please?
Clara looks puzzled.
Clara – But, it’s an electronic cigarette, right?
Anthony – True, sorry about that. Now that I’ve quit smoking, I guess I’ll need to update my flirting methods a bit.
Clara – If I may say so, you should have updated them since the late ’80s. Don’t you think?
Anthony – Actually, I was just trying to make you laugh. But it seems it missed the mark.
Clara – I see. So the thing with the lighter was a joke. In that case, bravo, very funny. A little heads-up like “Attention, joke” would’ve been nice.
Anthony – I’m also good at being funny unintentionally, you know. Making people laugh comes naturally to me. Sometimes, I even understand my own jokes after I’ve made them. How long has it been since you quit…?
Clara – Making jokes?
Anthony – Smoking.
Clara – Oh no, I’ve never smoked cigarettes. Not yet, anyway. I’m just vaping to try it out.
Anthony – To try it out?
Clara – To see if I really like it.
Anthony – Ah, I see…
Clara – And if I do like it, I’ll start smoking real cigarettes, with real tobacco. Does that sound silly to you?
Anthony – Not at all.
Clara – Although, it is kind of absurd.
Anthony – So, are you pulling my leg now?
Clara – Exactly. And in my case, believe me, it’s completely intentional. I’m only funny when I decide to be.
Anthony – Well… Then we’re even. I also appreciate a woman with a sense of humour, you know? And I have to admit, at first, I was worried you might be completely humourless.
Clara – I’m relieved to hear that. I was worried I’d already disappointed you. But tell me, when you talk about a woman’s sense of humour, are you referring to her ability to laugh at your jokes, whether intentional or not?
He looks puzzled for a moment.
Anthony – How about we take a break?
Clara – I was about to suggest that. After all, that’s why we’re here, right?
Both vape separately.
Anthony – Anyway, it would never have worked out between us.
Clara – Is the break already over?
Anthony – We work at the same company…
Clara – They say one in three people meets their partner at work.
Anthony – Can you imagine going home together to our little apartment in the suburbs and asking each other how our day went – when we’ve worked in the same office all day?
Clara – We work in the same office?
Anthony – I didn’t catch your attention, fair enough. But if you haven’t noticed, maybe you need glasses.
Clara – I’m just pulling your leg again. It’s impressive that we can still surprise each other, even after working together in the same office for three months.
Anthony – You’ve been here three months?
Clara – I’d prefer to take that as one of your unintentional jokes, or it might be a bit offensive. But I agree, in the long run, it would be unbearable.
Anthony – Well, then I see only one solution.
Clara – What’s that?
Anthony – I quit.
Clara – I’m not sure I’d prefer dating an unemployed guy over an office colleague. You wouldn’t even have enough to pay the rent on your little apartment in the suburbs where you thought of inviting me to spend happy days with you.
Anthony – It’s amazing how practical women can be.
She ostentatiously blows the vapour from her cigarette in his face.
Clara – Prince Charmings are rarely listed as unemployed.
She puts away her electronic cigarette.
Anthony – We could still vape together.
Clara – Perhaps we’ll meet again another time.
Anthony – Just a reminder, we work in the same office. It’s unlikely we’ll never see each other again.
Clara – That’s a good reason not to risk sleeping together.
Clara leaves. Anthony stands puzzled for a moment. He smokes a bit more and then leaves too.
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Nicotine
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Old-School Flirting est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

What appears to be a rooftop terrace. Two characters, either men or women, arrive. They start smoking and chat while watching the wisps of smoke coming from their possibly electronic cigarettes.
Yael – Did you know that particles can be in two different places at the same time?
Alex – Particles?
Yael – Elementary particles! Photons, if you prefer. At least, that’s what quantum physics says.
Alex – Are you sure you’re not smoking something stronger than nicotine?
Yael – No, I assure you. I heard about it on the radio yesterday.
Alex – Well, it would be useful to be a particle, wouldn’t it? I could attend that meeting scheduled for five today and still pick up my daughter from school at the same time.
Yael – Imagine having the gift of ubiquity! You could be waiting in line at Tesco with your partner on a Saturday morning and, at the same time, lying in bed with your lover in a charming little hotel in the countryside.
Alex – And when you get back, the fridge would be full. We’d be completely blameless.
Yael – You wouldn’t even need an alibi.
Alex – Could we still talk about infidelity?
Yael – Adultery implies coexistence. You can’t be unfaithful to partners known before or after marriage. However, quantum physics describes a state of matter where the very notion of time is suspended.
Alex – So particles are never cheated on. It’s an interesting thought.
Yael – No more time means no more causality, and therefore, no more guilt.
Alex – This doesn’t sound very Catholic.
Yael – It seems that God doesn’t rule over the infinitely small. Quantum physics is like a generalized orgy of particles.
Alex – Unfortunately, my particles aren’t governed by the laws of quantum physics.
Yael – You’re right… We are more subject to the law of maximum annoyance.
Alex puts away his electronic cigarette.
Alex – Actually, I need to get back. I’m not sure my boss knows much about quantum physics. It’s kind of funny, but he still thinks that when I’m on a break, I’m not really working.
Yael – That just shows how little he knows. If he only knew the kind of high-level conversations we have during a smoke break.
Yael also puts away his cigarette.
Alex – It’s true that smokers are increasingly looked down upon.
Yael – That’s why I’m quitting on Monday.
Alex – I’ve heard that before.
Yael – No, seriously, I mean it this time.
Alex – So why wait until Monday?
Yael – I have to pick up my mother-in-law tonight. She’s staying with us for the weekend. And believe me, a weekend with my mother-in-law is not the best time to quit smoking.
Alex – I see…
Yael – Do you also have a mother-in-law?
Alex – One can choose not to get married, but one can’t choose not to have a mother-in-law.
Yael – Unless you marry an orphan…
Alex – Preferably one abandoned on the steps of a church, so you don’t have to visit a graveyard and lay chrysanthemums on All Saints’ Day…
Yael – That brings us back to quantum mechanics. A cat has to be either dead or alive. And it’s the same with mothers-in-law…
Alex – A cat?
Yael – Haven’t you heard of Schrödinger’s Cat?
Alex – No.
Yael – It’s a friend of Einstein who questioned the laws of quantum physics.
Alex – So, he had a mother-in-law?
Yael – I’ll explain it another day. Oh, I can’t forget to get gas for the car, or I’ll be stranded on the highway picking up my mother-in-law.
They leave.
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Nicotine
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Particles est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.