Two characters (men or women) face each other. They remain silent for a moment.
One – I’m afraid it’s time for us to say goodbye…
Two – Oh, let’s not get sentimental. We both knew this moment would come.
One – Still, it means something to me.
Two – You’ll forget me soon enough, you’ll see.
One – Your bust is in the Musée Grévin – how could I possibly forget you?
Two – There are plenty of museums in Paris. Just avoid that one. Who goes to the Musée Grévin nowadays anyway? Tourists, maybe…
One – Paris has become one big open-air wax museum, filled with dusty monuments and waxy-faced extras.
Two – There aren’t even any real Parisians left. They’ve all sold their flats and turned them into Airbnbs.
One – Paris is no longer a party… Now it’s just a backdrop for selfies.
Two – Shall we take one last selfie?
One – Alright…
They turn their backs to the audience to take a selfie.
Voice off – And… cut! That was the final scene of Jean-Paul Ramirez.
Applause.
Two – Thank you.
One – I heard this was your final film too.
Two – You have to know when to stop. Better not to do that one film too many.
One – Not everyone has your wisdom, sadly.
Two – I’ve spent most of my life in front of a camera. I’d like to have a bit of time to experience life too.
One – You might be disappointed. You know what Alfred Hitchcock said…
Two – “Cinema is life with the boring bits cut out.”
One – For the audience, maybe. But for us actors…
Two – True. To make a two-hour film, the editor sometimes watches over a hundred hours of rushes. And cuts everything that doesn’t move the story forward.
One – But we still had to shoot those hundred hours.
Two – Not to mention all the time we spend waiting around between scenes.
One – You know Marilyn Monroe used to knit between takes?
Two – I think that was Brigitte Bardot.
One – Oh yes, maybe…
Two – I believe Marilyn Monroe did crosswords.
One – Marilyn Monroe…?
Two – Or Liz Taylor, I’m not sure anymore.
One – Anyway, all actors get bored stiff between takes.
Two – Yes.
One – And let’s not even talk about the time we spend waiting between films.
Two – I once went two years without working.
One – Two years waiting for the phone to ring.
A pause.
Two – I heard that in wildlife documentaries, they sometimes shoot 500 hours for one hour of footage.
One – Poor animals.
Two – Do you think they’re asked to do multiple takes?
One – Anyway, for you, it’s over now.
Two – Yes… Time for me to reflect on all those scenes that were cut in editing. The ones that make up most of my cinematic career.
One – In other words, you’re going to be bored out of your mind.
Two – Thank you for your kind words.
A pause.
One – The film’s over, isn’t it?
Two – Then what exactly are we waiting for?
One – Nothing…
Two – Habit…
They prepare to leave.
Voice off – I’m really sorry, but we’ve had a slight technical issue.
One – Right…
Two – So…?
Voice off – We’re going to have to do it again.
One – Well then — looks like retirement’s not quite here yet after all.
Voice off – Whenever you’re ready…
Two – I’m ready.
Voice off – Quiet on set!
One – I’m afraid it’s time for us to say goodbye…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Final Cut est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Two characters (men or women) are there, seemingly waiting. They remain silent for a moment.
One – Bloody hell, it’s dragging on.
Two – Yeah.
One – How long have we been waiting?
Two – No idea. They told us to be on set for eight… (checks watch) It’s eleven.
One – Three hours! And we haven’t even done a single take.
Two – You’d think three hours would be enough time to get ready.
One – Or they could just have told us to come at noon.
Two – Filmmaking would be a lovely job if it weren’t for the crew…
One – Maybe we should go and ask what’s going on…
Two – Honestly, I wouldn’t.
One – True, they’re ridiculously touchy. You can’t say anything without it sounding like some diva tantrum from a spoiled actor.
Two – So we just have to shut up and wait.
One – Still, at the end of the day, we’re the ones people see on screen.
Two – I sometimes wonder if that’s what they’re punishing us for – waking us up at dawn just to leave us hanging around in a draughty corridor for hours while they get on with their work.
One – If only we could actually see them.
Two – Yeah, it’s been ages since they showed their faces. I wonder what they’re even doing.
One – Probably having a snack. You know, workers start early, so by eleven they’re starving…
Two – They say actors are complicated, but truth is, actors spend far more time waiting for the crew than the other way round.
A pause.
One – Actually, I’m getting seriously hungry, aren’t you?
Two – Yeah…
One – There’s food on the table over there. Surely it’s not just for the crew?
Two – No, but… it’s all cold meats and cheese.
One – So?
Two – I’m vegan.
One – Oh, bugger…
Two – Yep… The crew chooses the menu too. And workers eat cold meats.
A pause.
One – Can I ask you something?
Two – You see, this is what I dread most about standing around on set for hours before the director finally decides to call “action”…
One – What?
Two – It always ends with existential questions.
One – Sorry…
Two – Go on, ask your question.
One – When you play a role, do you actually become the character in your head, or do you just say the lines and pose while thinking about what you’ll have for lunch?
Two – OK, so… Stanislavski or Brecht, is that it?
One – Um… yeah, if you like…
Two – I’m more of a Diderot type, you know.
One – Diderot?
Two – The Paradox of the Actor, haven’t you read it?
One – No.
Two – According to Diderot, an actor shouldn’t identify with the character they’re playing. Their job isn’t to feel the emotions, but to make the audience feel them.
One – Right…
Two – So if you’re playing anger, you don’t need to be angry. You just convincingly replicate the signs of anger.
One – Got it.
Two – Basically the opposite of the Method, or Actors Studio, if you prefer.
One – I see.
Two – Do you, though?
One – Yeah, yeah, it’s… it’s clear.
Two – You know that scene in Taxi Driver, when De Niro’s practising being tough in front of the mirror?
One – You talkin’ to me?
Two – Well, in that scene, De Niro – or rather his character – is trying to imitate anger, to look tough for an imaginary threat.
One – But De Niro trained at the Actors Studio, didn’t he?
Two – He did, but in that particular scene, De Niro is playing a character who is himself trying – badly – to act. It’s a kind of mise en abyme. When he’s playing the taxi driver, he uses the Method. But when the character tries to play a hard man, he’s copying a cliché of what a hard man looks like.
One – And that’s not a bad thing?
Two – Not if it’s done with intention. But if it’s just laughably over the top, yes. Still, you can absolutely act angry without being angry. It’s often more convincing. And it’s definitely less exhausting in the long run.
One – That’s true…
Two – And you? Are you more Method, or more Diderot?
One – Me, I’m completely into the role. I am the character, you know? I don’t act the part — I am the part.
Two – Right…
One – You don’t think that’s the right approach?
Two – No, no, I mean… why not. But… it does worry me a little. Since in the scene we’re about to film together, you’re playing a violent copper and I’m the poor sod he’s interrogating…
One – Ah, I think it’s our turn now.
Two – Well… maybe just try to keep a bit of distance from your character, yeah? (The other, already deep into the role, doesn’t seem to hear.) Are you listening to me?
One – You talkin’ to me?
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article You talkin’ to me? est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.