A Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
Two chairs on each side of a table. A man in an orange jumpsuit enters. A female lawyer arrives, excitedly, with her phone to her ear. She greets the man and begins to settle down. She puts her briefcase on the table and takes out a folder.
Lawyer (on the phone) – Look, twenty years isn’t that bad. You know that with another judge and another lawyer, you could have gotten much more? Well… maybe a bit more. And with time off for good behavior, in ten years, we might hope for parole. Ten years fly by, don’t they? Anyway, excuse me, I have to go, I’m with a client here. Well, yes, I know you’re really innocent, but well, what can you do? You can’t win them all. I’ll call you back, okay? Bye-bye… (She puts away her phone.) What a pain…
The lawyer finally turns to the man, who has remained standing.
Lawyer (with a commercial smile) – It’s our turn, Mr… (Checking the name in the folder) Martinez.
Man – Sanchez…
Lawyer – Off to a great start… Please, have a seat, Mr. Sanchez, I insist. You know, these instruction files are full of typos. And the spelling mistakes, don’t get me started. You’d think all these judges are illiterate. (Sighing) And then they wonder why there are so many miscarriages of justice… (Smiling again) But don’t worry, we’ll get you out of this, alright? So, what exactly are you accused of…? (Leafing through the thick file) Let’s see… Oh my… It’s similar to The Great Train Robbery case. A real soap opera. I was wondering why my briefcase was so heavy. But they don’t realize, right? If I had to read all this… Anyway, let me summarize: so, essentially, you hacked your wife in two with an axe, correct?
Man – No…
Lawyer – Bravo! That’s exactly the answer I was expecting from you. You’re innocent, even simpler. We plead not guilty and don’t waste time with details. I feel we’re going to do great work together, Mr. Ramirez. In fact, that’s always the defense strategy I propose to my clients: deny everything outright. Even the obvious. Just plant doubt in the jurors’ minds, hope for an acquittal. Well, it doesn’t work every time, but believe me, it’s much simpler than delving into the details. Mitigating circumstances, unhappy childhood, a moment of madness… All that is so complicated. And the result is very uncertain, you know. So here’s what we’ll do. You know the “yes or no” game?
Man – Yes…
Lawyer – Oh! Minus one for you, I’ve already caught you. But I propose a variation. You answer “no” to all the questions we ask you, alright? Never yes. Always no. Be careful, are you ready?
Man (on the defensive) – Mmmm…
Lawyer – Did you have any reason to hold a grudge against your dear wife…?
Man – No…
Lawyer – Do you own an axe…?
Man – No…
Lawyer – Have you ever dressed as a woman? (Her phone rings.) Excuse me, I’ll be right with you… Yes…? Oh, yes, darling! How are you? No, I have a hair appointment at 5 p.m., and I have a dozen clients to see before. Can you stop by the caterer on your way home for our little dinner with friends? I won’t have time… Oh, I invited the judge with his wife, the prosecutor with his mistress… That’s already three. No, three, the prosecutor’s mistress is the judge’s wife. Oh, just count it as six, okay? Thank you, you’re sweet. Love you loads. Me too… Alright, see you tonight…
She puts away her mobile phone.
Lawyer – So, where were we, Mr. Hernandez?
Man – Sanchez…
Lawyer – Sorry, Hernandez, that’s my cleaner’s name. Or Fernandez, I don’t remember. Well, anyway, you didn’t kill your wife, and that’s it, okay? Trust me, this way we avoid a lot of complications… And by always answering no, whatever the question, we’re sure never to contradict ourselves. Anything else you’d like to tell me, Mr. Gomez?
Man – Uh… Yes…
Lawyer – Ah, I caught you again. The correct answer was no. Well, I have to go now, Mr. Gonzalez. Duty calls. I still have a lot of innocent people like you to save today… See you tomorrow at the trial? And once again, don’t worry. I’m convinced of your innocence, and I’ll make sure to share this conviction with all the jury members. (With a knowing look) In fact, I’m hosting the judge for dinner tonight, and I’ll try to slip a little word in your favour between the appetizer and the cheese. (To herself) Before the evening really starts to go awry, like last time… Alright, see you soon, Mr. Marquez…
The lawyer exits, just as excited as she was when she came in. The man remains there, perplexed. Then he turns around. On the back of his orange jumpsuit is written “Maintenance Service.”
Man – Alright, Djamel, what are you doing with the ladder? We’re not going to spend all day changing a light bulb, right?
Black.
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A sketch from the collection Stories to die for
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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