A sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
She’s reading. He’s staring blankly into space. She notices.
Her – What are you staring at like that?
Him – The TV…
Her – We don’t have a TV anymore!
Him (sighs) – I know, but… It’s like having both legs amputated and still getting phantom pains…
She widens her eyes, then goes back to her book, before changing her mind.
Her – Strange, I got a call for you on my mobile today.
Him – Oh, right… Sorry, I forgot to tell you. I left your number on my voicemail for work, so people could reach me during the holidays.
Her – The holidays? But we’re not leaving for another week!
Him – Yeah, but this way they’ll already have it.
Her (dumbfounded) – My number? And in the meantime, for a whole week, I’m going to be taking calls from your clients?
Him – I don’t know… Just tell them to call back while we’re away.
Her – Wouldn’t it be simpler for you to just get your own phone?
Him – A mobile? Come on… When I go out, it’s to get a bit of peace. I don’t want to be hassled.
Her – So you’d rather I get hassled by your work calls? I was in the middle of a parent-teacher meeting when some guy rang to ask when you were planning to deliver your article titled “Should we legislate against thongs in schools?” You think that doesn’t bother me?
Him – Don’t you switch your phone off during meetings?
Her (dryly) – Sorry, must’ve slipped my mind… Look, a mobile is personal. You don’t lend it out, even to your spouse. I don’t know… It’s like a toothbrush!
Him – A toothbrush? Well then, if you want to use mine during the holidays, be my guest…
Her – Fine, make it a laptop, if you prefer. Would you lend me your laptop if I didn’t have one?
He stays silent. That says it all.
Her – And after the holidays?
He pretends not to follow.
Her – I’ll still be getting your calls! Good thing you’ve got nothing to hide…
Him – After the holidays, I’ll just say I lost the damn thing. Or it got stolen! Mobiles get stolen all the time.
Her – Perfect! That way, if someone still calls me, I’ll be accused of stealing it. Might I remind you, that phone is mine!
Him – If it means that much to you, just leave it with me and buy yourself a new one.
Her – Oh, great idea! Then anyone trying to reach me will get you!
Him – I’ll give them your new number, easy.
Her – Right, because that’s so much simpler than you just buying your own phone. (Pause. Then, suspiciously) You didn’t do all this just to avoid getting your own, did you…?
He shrugs, playing innocent. Silence.
Him – You know what the butcher called me this morning?
She clearly doesn’t.
Him (imitating the butcher) – “What does the little gentleman fancy today?” First time he’s ever called me that…
Her – Mmmm… That’s the male version of “What does the little lady fancy today?”
Him – Isn’t that terrifying? That the butcher now sees us as “the little gentleman and the little lady”? Thank god we don’t do the shopping together. He’d probably call us “the little couple.” (imitating again) “What does the little couple fancy today?” At that point, I think I’d go vegetarian.
Pause
Him – I’ve always found meat a bit gross, anyway. Haven’t you?
She stays buried in her book. He goes on regardless.
Him – Chicken, maybe… at a stretch. (Pause) I mean, butcher shops are terrifying if you think about it. All that bloody flesh laid out. Whole animal carcasses in the cold room. All those innocent cows kept in countryside camps, behind barbed wire, sometimes even electrified, waiting to be slaughtered and chopped up… Poor things. At least they don’t know what’s coming. And when I see those guys in white shrouds hauling dead bodies off refrigerated trucks on their backs…
Still no reaction from her. He turns toward her again.
Him – Did you know Sikhs are strictly vegetarian?
She finally lifts her head from the book.
Her – Oh, by the way, no need to stop by the hardware store for the bathroom light. I went this afternoon. (Pause) I ran into the neighbour. She was buying a suitcase…
He stares at her, not getting it. Her phone rings.
Her – Yes…?
Her face freezes.
Her (overly polite) – No, this is his assistant. Hold on, I’ll put you through. May I ask who’s calling? (hands him her phone, annoyed) It’s your friend Mark…
He takes the phone as if nothing’s wrong.
Him – Hello?
He fumbles with it a bit.
Him – How does this thing work again…?
Black.
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A sketch from the collection Him and Her
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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https://jeanpierremartinez.net