A Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
The CEO returns accompanied by another character, male or female.
CEO – So, my friend, what are you going to do now that you’re retired?
Dany – Oh, you know, I’m not going to have time to get bored.
CEO – You think so?
Dany – I’ll do everything I didn’t have time for until now.
CEO – Oh, really? Like what, for example?
Dany – I don’t know…
CEO – Go fishing?
Dany – Why not, yes…
CEO – I say you’re going to get bored, my friend, you’ll see.
Dany – Maybe a little at first.
CEO – Work is worse than tobacco in terms of addiction. You should never start. Once you do, it’s too late.
Dany – Then I’ll take retirement as a detox cure.
CEO – Retirement shouldn’t exist. In fact, it almost doesn’t anymore. You might be the last one to enjoy this absurdity.
Dany – You think so?
CEO – Nowadays, people live past a hundred and die in good health. Do you feel old, my friend?
Dany – My God…
CEO – Sure, you don’t have the same energy as a twenty-year-old, and you cost us a lot more, but… We could find you a small menial job paid at minimum wage to finish your career on earth. Or even volunteer work. How about working in the cafeteria? We’re short-staffed in the dishwashing area.
Dany – Well…
CEO – But I’m kidding, my friend! You believe everything you’re told, don’t you? I have to say, you’re not one to argue. (The CEO approaches the edge of the stage.) There’s a magnificent view from here; I had never noticed…
Dany moves forward behind him with outstretched arms to push him. But the CEO turns around and interprets his gesture as an attempt to hug him.
CEO – Come on, my friend, no need to be so emotional.
He takes him in his arms and hugs him for a moment.
CEO – We’re going to miss you. They don’t make people like you anymore, fortunately. Enjoy your retirement; it’s costing us enough as it is.
Dany – Thank you, Mr. President.
The CEO starts to walk away.
Dany – Mr. President!
CEO – Yes?
Dany – God will give you the treatment you deserve.
CEO – Thank you, my friend.
The CEO leaves.
Dany – I didn’t even get to tell him to go to hell.
He exits. Two characters, either men or women, enter and start vaping.
Taylor – Have you been working here long?
Sage – It’s my first day. And you?
Taylor – Same here. And I think it might be my last.
Sage – Are you a temp?
Taylor – No, but I just told my boss to go to hell.
Sage – You should have waited until the end of your probation period.
Taylor – Playing for time isn’t my style. I’m impulsive.
Sage – So what are you going to do now?
Taylor – I might leave the country.
Sage – Oh yeah? Where to?
Taylor – I don’t know. Maybe China.
Sage – Do you speak Chinese?
Taylor – I’ll learn. China is where everything is happening now, right?
Sage – Yeah, maybe.
Taylor – Want to grab lunch together? I’ll use up my last meal vouchers…
Sage – Sure.
Taylor – We’ll eat Chinese.
Sage – That way you can start learning the language.
They leave.
Black.
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A sketch from the collection Nicotine
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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