A sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
Two characters (men or women) are there, seemingly waiting. A voice is heard offstage.
Voice off – Quiet on set!
The two characters freeze. They don’t say anything for a long moment. The voice is heard again.
Voice off – Quiet on set!
The two remain frozen.
Voice off – Um… Whenever you’re ready…
One – What?
Voice off – Well… The camera’s rolling… You’re not just going to stand there and say nothing, are you?
Two – You said “Quiet on set!”
Voice off – No, I meant everyone else.
One – Everyone else?
Voice off – The crew. The technicians. You’re the actors. You’re supposed to say something.
Two – And what do you want us to say?
Voice off – I don’t know – your lines, maybe?
One – Our lines…?
Voice off – Don’t you have a script?
Two – That’s for you to tell us.
One – We’re just the actors. We don’t get a say.
Voice off– Hey, I’m just the Director Of Photography. They told me to shoot this scene before midday. Nobody said whether there were any lines.
Two (to the other actor) – Did they give you a script?
One – No.
Voice off – Well then… I don’t know. Just improvise.
One – Improvise? Improvise what?
Voice off– Bloody hell, this is a nightmare…
Two – We’re happy to improvise, but we need a starting point. What’s the scene supposed to be about?
Voice off – Oh, I’ve no idea. That’s not my job, is it? I just deal with the image.
One – Alright then… We’ll improvise.
Voice off – Great. Back to one?
Two – Let’s do it.
Voice off – Quiet on set!
The two characters freeze for a moment.
One – What a silence…
Two – Yes.
One – You could hear a pin drop.
Two – Yes.
A pause.
One – Unfortunately, there are no pins.
Two – No.
Another pause.
Voice off – Cut! (Pause) Is that it?
One – I’m doing my best…
Two – Yeah, same here.
One – You didn’t exactly help, either.
Two – Me?
One – You could’ve picked it up a bit.
Two – Improvising’s a skill, you know. You don’t just become an improviser overnight.
One – Still, actors are supposed to be able to improvise a little.
Two – So I’m a bad actor now, is that it?
One – I didn’t say that, but…
Two – And honestly… “You could hear a pin drop… unfortunately, there are no pins…” What am I supposed to do with that?
One – Well, you could’ve started, if you’re so clever!
Two – I was about to! You interrupted me…
One – You weren’t saying anything!
Two – I was waiting for it to come! That’s how improv works. You wait. And silence is important too.
One – Silence?
Two – The unspoken, if you prefer. Dialogue’s important, sure, but it’s the unspoken that really counts.
One – The unspoken…
Two – Yes, the unspoken.
One – So… silence, basically.
Two – As someone once said, “Silence after Mozart is still Mozart…”
One – Well then, I’ve nothing more to say…
Silence.
Two – So? How was it this time?
Voice off – What?
One – Our improv.
Two – What improv?
One – The one we just did!
Voice off – Oh, I didn’t film that…
Two – He didn’t film it.
One – You’ve got to be kidding me…
Two – Tell me that’s a joke.
Voice off – Doesn’t matter, we’ll just do it again.
One – But if we do it again, it’s not improvisation anymore!
Voice off – Are you seriously trying to ruin my whole morning? It’s nearly midday! I’ve got other things to do, you know!
Two – Alright then… Let’s go again…
Voice off – Quiet on set!
Silence.
Blackout.
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A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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https://jeanpierremartinez.net