A Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
The man wakes up in his bed. The woman returns in a white coat.
Woman – Good evening, sir.
Man – Good evening, Doctor.
Woman – This time, I won’t ask if you’re okay. It’s one of those questions that are asked automatically before realizing they shouldn’t be.
Man – Have you seen a notary leaving this room with an invisible ink-signed testament?
Woman – My dear sir, I believe that at the stage we’re at… I mean, the terminal stage you’re at… There’s no need to sugarcoat things, is there?
Man – Should I understand that you still don’t have good news to share with me?
Woman – You still owe us quite a bit of money. I at least owe you the truth. It was, as they say, the operation of last resort. Unfortunately, the operation didn’t work. I’m truly sorry.
Man – I’m not surprised. I’ve never been lucky…
Woman – Don’t have any regrets. In our field, when we talk about the last-ditch operation, we mean an operation with no chance of success.
Man – I understand.
Woman – The whole last-ditch operation thing is just a ploy doctors use to buy time for the family and the patient themselves while they await the inevitable outcome.
Man – Yes, I believe I’ve grasped the general idea…
Woman – How many patients do you know who have survived after a last-ditch operation?
Man – Well, not many, I admit…
Woman – Exactly… And since we can’t believe that all patients are so unlucky…
Man – So, I’m doomed.
Woman – I wouldn’t use such harsh terms, but… yes, dear sir, it’s time to take stock of your life… and settle your accounts with society. Starting with the one that is the majority shareholder in this hospital…
Man – Thank you for your honesty, Dr. Ionesco.
Woman – Unfortunately, I’ll have to ask you to stop calling me Doctor.
Man – Oh, really?
Woman – After reviewing my diplomas and the mortality rate in my surgery department, the hospital administration decided it would be in everyone’s best interest to transfer me to the accounting department.
Man – I understand, but then… what are you doing here exactly ?
Woman – Well… When I mentioned settling accounts, it wasn’t a metaphor. I’ve come for the final bill, dear Sir… You’re leaving us, of course, but you didn’t really think we’d let you go without paying, did you? And it’s not going to be covered by your insurance… Hasn’t anyone advised you to get supplementary coverage?
Man – What if I can’t afford to pay?
Woman – That could seriously jeopardize the salvation of your soul. You see, now… our Recovery Service is extremely efficient.
Man – More efficient than your Surgery Department, at least.
Woman – Let’s say… the Romanians we employ in this hospital are much more efficient in debt recovery than brain surgery… And our shareholders have some very high connections now.
Man – You mean… up there?
Woman – What can we do? The sovereign funds that govern us were already managed by the undead. They started by purchasing nursing homes, hospitals, churches, cemeteries… Quite logically, they eventually acquired shares in heaven and hell.
Man – And then?
Woman – Then it’s your choice… But you should know that debtors are not well-regarded in heaven.
Blackout.
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A sketch from the collection Not even dead
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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