A sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
One character (man or woman) is there. Another (also gender-neutral) arrives.
Two – Qu’est-ce qui se passe ?
One – I don’t know… (Pointing at the audience) Look, there’s a crowd gathered. Something must be happening.
Two – Ah oui, vous avez raison… Qu’est-ce qu’ils regardent comme ça ?
One – Who knows… But when lots of people are looking in the same direction, something must be going on.
Two – Et dans quelle direction ils regardent, exactement ?
One – Looks like they’re looking… our way.
Two – Alors c’est qu’il se passe quelque chose.
One – But what?
Voice off – Cut!
One – Was something wrong?
Voice off – He’s asking if something was wrong…
Two – Oui, qu’est-ce qui ne va pas ?
Voice off – What’s wrong is that one of you is dubbed, and the other’s in original version.
One – In original version?
Voice off – Without subtitles, too! That’s what’s wrong!
One – That’s right. I didn’t even notice…
Two – Moi non plus.
One – Well, I guess we’ll have to do it again, then.
Voice off – Quiet on set!
The second character goes to fetch a pile of cards. They replay the same scene with the same lines, but this time the one speaking in French shows cards with English subtitles as they speak. The other continues to speak in English but with a heavy French accent.
Two – Qu’est-ce qui se passe ?
One – I don’t know… (Pointing at the audience) Look, there’s a crowd gathered. Something must be happening.
Two – Ah oui, vous avez raison… Qu’est-ce qu’ils regardent comme ça ?
One – Who knows… But when lots of people are looking in the same direction, something must be going on.
Two – Et dans quelle direction ils regardent, exactement ?
One – Looks like they’re looking… our way.
Two – Alors c’est qu’il se passe quelque chose.
One – But what?
Voice off – Cut!
One – What now?
Voice off – He’s subtitled, OK, but you’re still speaking in English!
One – He still speaks English?
Two – Vous êtes sûr?
Voice off – Yes, with an French accent, fine, but it’s still English.
One – OK… Let’s do it again, then.
Voice off – Quiet on set!
Now the one speaking in English also goes to get a pile of cards. They replay the same scene once again with the same lines, but this time the one speaking English (with an French accent) displays French subtitles.
Two – Qu’est-ce qui se passe ?
One – I don’t know… (Pointing at the audience) Look, there’s a crowd gathered. Something must be happening.
Two – Ah oui, vous avez raison… Qu’est-ce qu’ils regardent comme ça ?
One – Who knows… But when lots of people are looking in the same direction, something must be going on.
Two – Et dans quelle direction ils regardent, exactement ?
One – Looks like they’re looking… our way.
Two – Alors c’est qu’il se passe quelque chose.
One – But what?
Voice off – Cut!
Two – Was it alright this time?
Voice off – What?
One – Was it OK this time?
Voice off – Yeah, it’ll do… We’re not spending all night on it…
Blackout.
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A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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https://jeanpierremartinez.net