A Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
The landlord is reading the newspaper behind the counter. Two men arrive and sit at a table.
One – Coffee? (The other nods.) Jack! Two coffees.
Two – His name is Jack?
One – I don’t know… I call all barmen Jack. That way, I’m sure not to make a mistake.
Two – Okay…
One – He’s one of my patients. I removed his appendix ten years ago, haemorrhoids five years ago, thyroid three years ago, and a lung last year.
Two – Well… He must be grateful. Thanks to you, he lost at least three kilos.
The landlord brings the coffees.
Landlord – Here you go, Doctor…
Two – At least he recognized you.
One – I’m not even sure. He calls all his customers “Doctor.” Since we’re in front of the hospital… At worst, if they’re not doctors, it flatters them. (They stir their coffee in silence before drinking.) So, do we have a donor?
Two – It seems so…
One – A woman who threw herself under a truck, right in front of the hospital.
Two – Threw herself?
One – We’re not entirely sure… It might have been an accident… Her head took the brunt of it. Brain dead. The rest is in perfect condition. We’re waiting for the family’s decision.
Two – I see.
One – Yes, except we have two patients waiting for a transplant…
Two – Oh, you too?
One – You know it very well.
Two – I thought it was a liver for you…
One – It’s a heart.
Two – A heart for two… With two patients who have very similar profiles. It won’t be easy to decide between them.
One – So what do we do? Flip a coin?
Two – I’m game!
The other takes out a coin.
One – Only one of our two patients will be alive in a month. Heads for yours, tails for mine.
He flips the coin, catches it, and looks at his palm before putting it away.
Two – But it doesn’t work like that, we know it well…
One – No. (A pause) How long have we known each other?
Two – Since college…
One – Second year, I believe.
Two – Yes…
One – We were both in love with the same girl.
Two – A first-year student.
One – Who became your wife.
Two – I don’t know what she saw in me… that she didn’t see in you.
One – You spread rumours in college that I had a micro-penis. I think you even circulated a photoshopped montage….
Two – Ah yes, that’s true. I had forgotten about that.
One – I only found out much later.
Two – I didn’t think she would swallow something so big.
One – Are we still talking about my micro-penis?
Two – Do you really think that’s why she chose me?
One – It must have played a part… I was truly in love with her, you know…
Two – A heart for two… There’s inevitably one left by the wayside.
One – That time, it was me.
Two – She left me a few years later. Haven’t you seen her since?
One – I did… Once… I had just gotten divorced as well… We had dinner together… And then nothing…
Two – But she knew about…?
One – I don’t know… I didn’t dare ask her… Can you imagine me slipping in, between coffee and the check, that contrary to what her ex said, I had a normal-sized penis?
Two – Yeah…
One – I think it was too late anyway… I don’t know if revenge is a dish best served cold, but love isn’t a dish that can be reheated.
Two – So you want to get revenge?
One – No, but it seems to me that you owe me a heart.
Two – You have a very personal interpretation of the Hippocratic Oath… What motivates you so much to save your patient?
One – Let’s just say I have a… special connection with him.
Two – But you know it doesn’t work like that either.
One – Oh no?
Two – Are you asking me to condemn my patient in advance?
One – That’s what you said. A heart for two… There’s inevitably one left by the wayside.
Two – It’s not just up to me, you know that. It’s a collective decision.
One – But you could slightly manipulate your patient’s file so that mine appears more convincing.
Two – And if I refuse?
One – I could start a rumour as well. But I’m not sure this one would be false.
Two – Like what?
One – Nurses never stay long in your department, we all know why. And the girl who just got run over in front of the hospital, intentionally or not, she worked for you.
Two – I’ll see what I can do…
He’s about to take out a bill.
One – Leave it, the coffee is on me.
Black.
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A sketch from the collection Open Hearts
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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