A sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
He is sitting at a table, a notebook in front of him. He looks thoughtful. She enters.
Her – You alright? You look a bit… strange.
Him – I was thinking.
Her – Oh… That must be it… (Pause) So, what were you thinking about?
Him – I was wondering if… I should write my memoirs.
Her – Sorry?
Him – My memoirs…
Her – Your memoirs?
Him – Yeah, my memoirs. The story of my life.
Her – Are you feeling alright?
Him – Yes, perfectly fine. Why?
Her – I don’t know… since you’re talking about writing your memoirs.
Him – I didn’t say I wanted to write my will, I said I wanted to write my memoirs.
Her – Alright…
Him – One can want to write their memoirs without being on their deathbed. Even their will, for that matter.
Her – Well, still… Isn’t it a bit early for memoirs?
Him – When should I write my memoirs? When I’m dead? Or when I have Alzheimer’s?
Her – Are you worried you have memory problems?
Him – I didn’t say I have memory problems! I said I wanted to write my memoirs!
Her – It’s just that you mentioned Alzheimer’s…
Him – All I’m saying is that to write one’s memoirs, one needs memory.
Her – Well, you also need to have interesting stories to tell.
Him – And you think I don’t?
Her – Let’s say you do… But do you think anyone would be interested?
Him – Thanks for the encouragement…
Her – I just mean, you’re not Churchill. You didn’t save the world from the Nazis.
Him – Fine, I didn’t save the world, but I’ve had a few experiences, all the same.
Her – Oh, really? When?
Him – I don’t know… Maybe before I met you.
Her – Right.
Him – Of course, it depends on how it’s told. Even if they’re just anecdotes, if they’re well-told…
Pause.
Her – And… will you talk about me?
Him – I don’t know… Not necessarily.
Her – You’re going to write your memoirs and not mention me?
Him – Of course, I’ll mention you.
Her – So, you will talk about me.
Him – Yes.
Her – And what are you going to say about me?
Him – I don’t know yet.
Her – Well, I’d like to know, if you don’t mind.
Him – I haven’t even started writing, and you’re already censoring me?
Her – It’s my life, isn’t it? And what if I don’t like what you write about me?
Him – Then you could write your own memoirs! That way, people could compare, and form their own opinions.
Her – Oh, so you don’t think I could write my memoirs, is that it?
Him – I didn’t say that.
Her – But that’s what you’re implying. And you’re also implying that my life isn’t as interesting as yours.
Him – Your life? But we’ve been living together for years!
Her – Yes, but you’re saying the most interesting things happened to you before we met.
Him – Yeah, maybe so.
Her – I’ve had interesting experiences before meeting you too, you know?
Him – Oh really? Like what?
Her – I can’t think of any right now, but I’m sure if I gave it some thought…
Him – Right, sure…
Her – You’re the one writing your memoirs; you’ve had time to think about it. I haven’t.
Him – Fine… Think about it. And if anything comes to you, let me know. Meanwhile, I’m going to go write my memoirs somewhere else, since I clearly can’t concentrate here.
He stands up.
Her – Concentrate. Oh, please… (She looks at the paper he left on the table and reads.) “Memoirs of a Hitman”… What’s that supposed to mean?
Him – It’s the title.
Her – But you’re not a hitman.
Him – Yes, I am.
Her – All these years we’ve been together, you were a hitman?
Him – Yep.
Her – I thought you were a plumber.
Him – That was my cover…
Her – Are there other things you haven’t told me?
Him – You’ll just have to read my memoirs…
Her – Fine… And you can read mine!
He leaves. She sits in his place, takes out a sheet of paper and a pen, and starts thinking.
Her – Now, where should I begin… Oh, yes, that’s good. “Memoirs of a Call Girl”…
She begins to write.
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A sketch from the collection Killer Sketches
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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https://jeanpierremartinez.net