A Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
One – Can I sit with you?
Two – I’m standing…
One – Can I stand next to you?
Two – If you shut the fuck up…
Pause.
One – It’s mad…
Two – Didn’t we say you were supposed to shut up…?
One – According to the latest research in quantum physics, 99.99% of an atom is made up of emptiness.
Two – You don’t say…?
One – That would mean we’re almost entirely made of emptiness too.
Two – Well, in your case, that doesn’t surprise me all that much.
One – It’s frightening, isn’t it?
Two – For now, it’s my glass that’s half empty. (He drains his glass.) There you go, now it’s one hundred per cent empty. Your round?
The other takes the glass and looks at it.
One – Ah, I think there’s still a drop left at the bottom. So it’s only 99.99% empty. Which means it’s just as full as you are. I think adding one more drop would make it overflow.
Two – Quantum physics… You read books on quantum physics, do you? I’ve never even seen you open a newspaper.
One – I saw it on my Facebook feed.
Two – You’ll see, before long it’ll be enough to read all that bullshit on Facebook to win the Nobel Prize for Mathematics.
One – There is no Nobel Prize for Mathematics.
Two – There isn’t a Nobel Prize for Mathematics?
One – No.
Two – And why isn’t there a Nobel Prize for Mathematics?
One – Because Mrs Nobel cheated on Mr Nobel with a mathematician. Well, that’s what I read on Facebook…
Two – And what did Mr Nobel invent, apart from the Nobel Prize?
One – He invented dynamite.
Two – Dynamite?
One – Dynamite.
Two – Was that before or after he found out he’d been cheated on?
One – I don’t know…
Two – Must’ve been after.
One – Goes to show, when you’re motivated…
Two – Yeah… Mind you, you’ve been cheated on too, and you’ve never invented anything…
Pause.
One – Did you know sloths only come down from their tree once a week?
Two – No, and I couldn’t give a fuck.
One – And do you know why?
Two – You know, they say of some animals that all they’re missing is speech. Well, you’re exactly the opposite. If only you’d shut the fuck up, you’d be the perfect companion…
Blackout.
All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.
To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.
A sketch from the collection Of Animals and Men
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net