A Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
One character arrives, pulling a dog on wheels attached to a leash. Another character arrives in turn, holding a pack of cigarettes (the text may be slightly adapted based on the gender of the two characters).
Two – So, you’re back?
One – Oh, hello! Yes, yes, I got back this morning. And you?
Two – Last night.
One – Not too much traffic on the road?
Two – We left early, fortunately, because otherwise…
One – Yes… Vacation’s over…
Two – Well, they say that, but in the end, we’re not unhappy to be back home, right?
One – Mmm…
Two – We can’t be on vacation all the time. Eventually, we’d get bored. (He offers his pack of cigarettes to the other.) Cigarette?
One – Thanks, I quit.
Two – Oh, really?
One – Back-to-school resolutions, you know… Now, I vape…
He takes out an electronic cigarette and starts vaping. The other puts away his pack of cigarettes.
Two – Well, I might as well give it a try too… (He takes out a pillbox, swallows one, is about to put the box away, but changes his mind.) Oh, sorry, do you want one? It’s a little relaxant… Normally, it’s prescription-only, but well, they’re very mild…
One – Thanks, I quit medication too.
Two – Oh boy… We’re not just talking about resolutions then… It’s heavy, I must say. Did you meet God this summer, become a monk, and just came to pick up your things before going to seclude yourself in your monastery, is that it?
One – At least you haven’t taken a vow of silence…
Two – Well, you’re right. I might as well quit.
One – Quit… talking nonsense, you mean?
Two – Quit the meds!
One – Oh yes, of course… It’s true, you don’t look very well. For someone who’s just returned from vacation…
The other takes it a bit hard.
Two – And your wife, how is she?
One – Honestly… I quit her too.
Two – Quit?
One – We were constantly bickering anyway… So instead, I took… something inflatable…
Two – Oh yes… Yes, that’s… It’s less complicated, for sure…
One – I inflate her every night. We watch a bit of TV, and then… And you?
Two – Me? Oh no, I… I’m still with my wife. The old-fashioned way, you know…
One – I see…
An awkward silence.
Two – And the dog, how’s it doing?
One – The dog? Like clockwork.
Two – Oh yes, I hadn’t noticed, actually… So, you’ve also quit the dog…
One – This one doesn’t bark, and at least, I don’t have to pick up after him.
Two – Obviously… But then why do you keep taking him out for a walk?
One – Habit, I guess… But you’re right, I think I’ll quit taking the dog out to pee too… It’ll save me from some unpleasant encounters…
Another silence.
Two – I’d suggest grabbing a beer, but I have a feeling about what you’re going to say…
One – I quit alcohol…
Two – There you go.
Some time.
Two – A coffee, maybe?
One – I quit caffeine.
Two – A decaf?
One – Alright… With a sweetener, then. And on the condition that you promise to keep quiet a bit.
Two – That’s what I always tell my wife. Everything would be so much simpler if people stopped talking about nothing.
One – You’re telling me…
Two – And with your… inflatable thing, you…
The other gives him an annoyed look.
Two – Okay, I won’t say anything more.
They walk away.
One – Come on, dog.
Two – Is that its name?
One – Didn’t you promise to tone it down a bit?
Two – Sorry…
One – I think I’m also quitting the neighbours…
Black.
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A sketch from the collection Sidewalk Chronicles
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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