A Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
He’s there, looking embarrassed. She arrives, ready to leave.
Her – Usually, it’s you waiting for me… You’re not ready yet?
Him – Yes, yes, I… I’m just putting on my jacket.
Her – Your leather jacket…
Him – I had it before I met you… It was a gift from my grandmother… No point in throwing it out now, is there? I mean… She’s gone, anyway.
Her – Your grandmother passed away?
Him – Not my grandmother! The cow! It’s made from cowhide…
Her – Yeah… The cow that was skinned in an abattoir so you could wear its skin…
Him – My next jacket will be made of plant-based leather, I promise. I hear they make lovely imitations now, from pineapple or mushrooms.
He reluctantly puts on his jacket.
Her – So, this is it, the big day?
Him – Yes, it seems so…
Her – I’m finally meeting your parents… I was starting to wonder if you were ashamed of me.
Him – What? No! If anything, it’s the other way around…
Her – The other way around? Why? Are you ashamed of your parents?
Him – No, no, but…
Her – So, what are you afraid of, then?
Him – Nothing, I assure you!
Her – If anything, I should be the one worried. You’re introducing me to your parents… This is official. It’s almost an engagement, isn’t it?
Him – Yes…
Her – Don’t sound too excited!
Him – Listen, there’s something I need to tell you.
Her – You’re scaring me…
Him – It’s about my parents, actually.
Her – Your parents? What about your parents?
Him – It’s not easy to say…
Her – Go on, I can handle it… If it’s important, I’d rather know now. I’ll feel less stupid…
Him – Let’s say this dinner won’t exactly be what you imagined. My parents are… How shall I put it…
Her – They’re deaf-mute. They communicate with sign language.
Him – No…
Her – Blind?
Him – No, not that either.
Her – They’re very short…?
Him – Worse than that… Well, for you, anyway.
Her – I see… They’re right-wing, and you didn’t dare tell me? Is that why you didn’t want me to meet them before now?
Him – No, it’s not that.
Her – Of course, silly me. You told me they were booksellers. You can’t sell books and vote right-wing!
Him – Don’t worry, my parents don’t vote at all.
Her – So what, then?
Him – It’s about… the dinner… Well, food, in general.
Her – Food…?
Him – I haven’t told you the whole truth.
Her – All right… Your parents are Jewish, and they eat kosher. So what? We can be vegan and eat kosher! It’s actually much easier. Mostly, it’s just meat that needs to be kosher, right?
Him – Yes… Well, I don’t really know…
Her – Fruits and vegetables are very ecumenical. I’m sure veganism could end all religious wars. At least at the table, which is a start… While we wait for a solution to the Middle East conflict.
Him – It’s a bit more complicated than that…
Her – What? The Middle East conflict?
Him – No, my parents.
Her – I get it… They’re very traditional. To please them, you let them believe their future daughter-in-law is Jewish. And now you don’t know how to tell them you’re dating a Gentile…
Him – Don’t worry, no one in the family is Jewish.
Her – What makes you think that would bother me? What do you take me for?
Him – No, the issue is that…
Her – Go on. This is getting weird.
Him – My parents aren’t really booksellers.
Her – What do you mean, “not really”? You’re either a bookseller or you’re not. How can you “not really” be a bookseller?
Him – They’re not booksellers at all… and they’re not as vegan as I told you.
Her – What do you mean, “not as”?
Him – They eat vegetables, of course, but…
Her – They’re only vegetarian? Well, that’s not a tragedy, is it? You think I’m that dogmatic? But why did you tell me they were vegan?
Him – I said it because… I knew it was important to you.
Her – I’m with you! You share my values, and that’s enough for me. You don’t choose your family, as they say. Or your in-laws…
Him – I don’t know how to say this…
Her – So, your parents aren’t booksellers. So what? What do they do, then?
Him – They run the butcher’s, just round the corner…
Her (stunned) – The butcher’s…
Him – The horse butcher’s… Between the cobbler and the tobacconist, you know?
Her – This is a joke, isn’t it?
Him – No.
Her – You told me your whole family was vegan except for your grandmother, and now you’re telling me I’m marrying a butcher’s son?
Him – I’m not a butcher! I’m only the butcher’s son…
Her – And when were you planning to tell me? At the wedding? During the reception! Between the donkey sausage and the horse steak?
Him – No! That’s why I’m telling you now…
Her – I’ll remind you, my parents are vegan. And they take it very seriously.
Him – Take it seriously?
Her – If you find it funny, I don’t… So what do we do now?
Him – I’m truly vegan! I mean, I became one after meeting you… That doesn’t change things for us, does it?
Her – It might not mean much to you, but to me, it means a lot…
Him – Are you mad at me?
Her – I need to think about all this, yes. (She hesitates) But I’m not going to do that right now. They invited us, didn’t they? So I’ll go… I’m not the type to run away. We’ll talk about all this later. Shall we go?
Him – The problem is…
Her – Oh, there’s another problem?
Him – I didn’t dare tell them you don’t eat meat.
Her – No, tell me you’re joking…
Him – I’m not sure they’d understand… They’re not young anymore… At their age, there’s no point in upsetting them… It could even kill them, you know. My dad’s heart isn’t great…
Her – You could have found a gentle way to bring it up with them…
Him – Let’s say I couldn’t find the right moment…
Her – Of course…
Him – You can just eat the vegetables… Just say you’re not very hungry… Or that you’re unwell…
Her – You know what? I think you’re the one who’s seriously unwell.
She takes off her coat.
Him – So, you’re not coming…
Her (horrified) – A horse butcher’s?
Him – So you’d rather abandon the butcher’s son, recently converted to veganism… Without you, I might go back, you know…
Her – Are you mocking me now?
Him – Don’t look at me like that, I feel like you’re going to kill me.
Her – I have to admit… I am feeling murderous.
Him – Calm down, please! Remember, you’re vegan… and the sixth commandment is the most sacred of the ten for you.
Her – The sixth…?
Him – Thou shalt not kill!
Her – I’ll strangle you, and confess later.
She moves towards him, threateningly.
Him – Don’t do this, please.
Her – I don’t know what’s holding me back…
Him – So, you actually believed all this?
Her – What?
Him – But come on… Horse butchers haven’t existed in ages! On the corner of our street, between the tobacconist and the cobbler, there’s a bakery! If you did the shopping more often, you’d know…
Her – Your parents aren’t butchers?
Him – My parents are booksellers, they vote left-wing, and they’re vegan. Just as I told you.
Her – You’re crazy! Why would you make up such a story?
Him – To see how much you love me… Now I know. So you’d have refused to marry the butcher’s son?
Her – I don’t know… Probably not. But I’d have ended up killing you, that’s for sure.
Him – So it would have been a tragedy, then? The Capulets the butchers and the Montagues the vegans…
Her – But in the end, it’s just another farce.
Him – Can’t change who we are…
Her – It’s not the end of the world.
Him – Right, shall we go? We’re going to be late.
Her – Let’s go. You didn’t forget the carrot cake…
Him – Don’t worry, darling, it’s already in the car.
Her – By the way, was that a proposal?
Him – Yes…
Her – It’s probably the most surprising one any woman has ever heard.
Him – I am a playwright, after all. I’ve been working on it all week. So, what’s your answer?
Her – I’ll wait until I’ve met your parents before deciding.
They exit.
Blackout.
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A sketch from the collection Dramedies
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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