A Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
A woman walks by, pulling a wheeled trash bin from which male and/or female feet protrude. Another woman arrives to collect her mail and greets the first.
One – Good morning!
Two – Ah, good morning! How are you?
The other notices the feet sticking out of the trash bin.
One – Is it bulky item collection today? I thought it was next week?
Two – It was an emergency…
One – Spring cleaning, then?
Two – Yes, you could say that.
She puts the feet back into the trash bin so they’re not visible.
One – I should get around to it too when I have the time. We accumulate so much stuff over the years.
Two – Could you hold the door for me?
One – Of course, stay right there.
She steps offstage to hold a door that may not necessarily be visible.
Two – That’s kind of you!
One – No problem, please. Have a good day!
Two – Thank you! You too.
The other woman leaves with her trash bin.
Another woman arrives to collect her mail.
One – Ah, good morning! Very pleased to meet you. I’m your next-door neighbour. I saw you from afar while you were moving in…
Three – You’re right, it’s better to keep a distance in those cases. Just kidding…
One – I’m delighted that… Well, I just wanted to say… Welcome to the building!
Three – Thank you, that’s very kind of you.
One – Among neighbours…
Three – Yes…
One – You’ll see, people in the building are very nice. And especially, if you need anything…
Three – Thank you.
One – I must be going now… I’m picking up my daughter from her violin lesson. Do you have children?
Three – Yes… Well, no. I mean… Now, I’m rid of them, fortunately.
One – Rid of them…?
Three – Yes… I put them in the freezer, to have some peace and quiet.
One – Ah, yes…
Three – I’m kidding.
One – Of course.
Three – They’re grown up now. They no longer live at home.
One – It does create a void when they leave. Towards the end, you can’t wait for them to clear out. And then, in the end… It creates a void.
Three – But your daughter still lives with you, right? I mean, if you’re picking her up from her violin lesson…
One – Yes… But I can imagine. It must have created a void for you, right?
Three – When my last one left, I first considered adopting a dog from the shelter, and then, in the end, my mother-in-law came to live with us.
One – A dog needs to be taken out three times a day to do its business. It’s quite inconvenient.
Three – You’re right. A mother-in-law is much more practical.
One – Yes…
Three – There are diapers…
One – Yes…
Three – I’m kidding…
One – Of course… Well, I’ll leave you now… Otherwise, my daughter will be waiting for me…
Three – I’m sorry I haven’t been more talkative. But I’m a bit overwhelmed at the moment. With this move…
One – I understand.
Three – Anyway, we’ll surely have the opportunity to meet again since we’re next-door neighbours.
One – But I was thinking… Why don’t you come for drinks tonight?
Three – Uh… Yes, why not?
One – Around 7:30?
Three – Fine. (She checks her watch.) Now, I must leave. Otherwise, my first patient will be waiting. So, see you tonight!
One – Perfect!
The other leaves. Another character arrives.
One – You know what? I just ran into our new next-door neighbour. I invited her for drinks tonight.
Four – You invited her?
One – Well, yes, why?
Four – I ran into her husband this morning, and you know what?
One – What?
Four – He’s a tax inspector.
One – Tax inspector… You mean tax audits and all that…
Four – Yes.
One – At the same time, we have nothing to hide, right?
Four – You say that… And what about the shelves in my office that I had installed off the books by the guy on the fifth floor?
One – They’re not coming to inspect the house…
Four – It’s second nature to those people!
One – You think?
Four – And even so. Imagine, we’ll have to be careful about everything we say.
One – What could we say? Apart from your shelves?
Four – Imagine we have a falling out with them.
One – Why would we fall out with them? We don’t know them?
Four – Exactly! We don’t know what might offend them. We don’t know their religious or political opinions.
One – It’s kind of the point when you invite people to get to know them.
Four – Yes, but he, if we say something he doesn’t like, he has the means to subject us to a tax audit. And believe me, those people, when they search, they find…
One – Oh my God, you’re right… Why did I invite her? Maybe we could cancel?
Four – They’ll find it suspicious! That would be even worse. Or they’ll think we don’t like them…
One – You’re right… So, what do we do?
Four – What a mess you’ve gotten us into again…
One – And her, I don’t even know what she does. I completely forgot to ask… Anyway, she seems a bit disturbed…
Four – She’s a psychoanalyst…
One – No way? But how do you know that? Did her husband tell you?
Four – I saw her put up her sign in front of the building this morning.
One – Psychoanalyst? So that’s why she asked me so many questions…
Four – What kind of questions?
One – Well… About violin lessons, for example.
Four – Violin lessons?
One – Do you think that has a special meaning for a psychoanalyst, violin lessons?
Four – Well, it does for a tax inspector. Especially if you pay for them under the table…
One – But it’s awful…
Four – I mean, can you imagine the torture of this aperitif? Between a tax inspector and a psychoanalyst!
One – You’re right, we’ll have to be careful about everything we say…
Four – We’ll try to say as little as possible.
One – Yes…
Four – But it won’t be easy.
One – No, for sure… When you invite people for drinks to get to know them…
Awkward pause.
Four – Are the bulk item collections today?
One – Next week… By the way, I also ran into the neighbour from the fifth floor who was taking out her trash, and you know what?
Four – Don’t tell me you invited her for drinks too?
One – No, but I thought I saw human remains sticking out of the trash.
Four – Don’t you think we have more urgent problems to deal with?
One – You’re right… What if we put something in their drink? Like sleeping pills, you know. Just to shorten the evening…
Four – You think?
They exit.
Black.
All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.
To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.
A sketch from the collection Open Letters
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net