A Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
A man is in a bed, staring into space. The woman enters, dressed quite formally and holding a briefcase.
Woman – Good morning, sir. I’m sorry, I’m a bit late. A small delay.
Man – Do we know each other?
Woman – I’m sorry; I forgot to introduce myself. We haven’t had the pleasure of meeting before. I’m Mrs. Eugenia Ionesco, your notary.
Man – Eugenia Ionesco?
Woman – Does that name ring a bell?
Man – Let me think… No, definitely, the first thing that comes to mind is that I’m really screwed.
The woman opens her briefcase and takes out some papers.
Woman – By the way, precisely. As agreed, I’ve prepared the documents you requested.
Man – Ah, yes…?
Woman – I’m talking about your will, do you remember?
Man – No.
Woman – Anyway, it’s always a good thing to get your affairs in order. Just in case…
Man – Yes, a priest told me the same thing not too long ago.
Woman – No one lives forever, do they? I, myself, had a little accident on my way here with my car. A reckless driver. It could have been much worse. That’s actually the reason for my delay.
Man – So, that’s why the notary arrives after the priest. That seemed strange to me…
Woman – The time it took to fill out the accident report… That fool wouldn’t admit he was at fault. He happened to be a priest… Shows that a priest can be stubborn too…
Man – A priest who, strangely, also resembled my wife, I suppose.
Woman – But I don’t want to keep you too long. And for me, all this has put me very behind schedule… (She hands him a stack of papers and a pen.) If you’d be so kind as to initial and sign. Of course, you’re not obligated to read everything.
The man hesitates before taking the document and the pen.
Man – Well, I guess I don’t have much of a choice. I feel like I’m signing my own death warrant…
He tries to sign but stops after a few unsuccessful attempts.
Woman – Is there a problem?
Man – Your pen isn’t working.
Woman – Let me see… (She leans over the document.) Oh, no… It’s just that… I forgot to mention. It’s invisible ink.
Man – Invisible ink?
Woman – Lemon juice, if you prefer.
Man – Okay…
Woman – Go ahead, sign. (While he initials and signs) You see, notaries aren’t always welcome in Palliative Care Units.
Man – How strange.
Woman – They even bring in clowns, I’ve heard, in the hopes of alleviating some patients’ suffering by making them laugh themselves to death. Personally, I find clowns to be one of the saddest sights, don’t you?
Man – A notary, perhaps…
Woman – The circus, in general. It’s quite gloomy. I’ve always thought it smells of death. Not to mention funfairs, of course.
Man – You were talking about lemon juice, I believe…
Woman – What can I say? Some people are just more suspicious than others. Certain family members wonder if we might make their parent sign anything on their deathbed to part them from their savings and inheritance.
Man – So, if you happen to bump into one on your way out, you can show them this testament and say, “You see, he didn’t sign anything.”
Woman – Exactly.
Man – And once you’re back in your office, you can pass the document under a candle to caramelize the lemon juice. I used to do that when I was a kid.
Woman – We were all kids, weren’t we?
Man – But only notaries managed to keep their childlike souls…
Woman – I have to get going. I have other dying patients to see before this evening.
Man – Just out of curiosity… what does this testament say, in a nutshell?
Woman – You bequeath all your assets to a foundation whose purpose is to establish contact with extraterrestrial civilizations.
Man – If it can at least help me re-establish contact with my wife.
Blackout.
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A sketch from the collection Not even dead
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