A sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – What?
One – They just announced on the radio that a spacecraft of unknown origin has entered Earth’s orbit.
Two – When you say unknown origin, do you mean they don’t know which country launched it?
One – Apparently, it’s more that they don’t know which planet it came from…
Two – No way?
One – That’s what they said on the radio.
Two – Are they sure?
One – It’s a craft the size of the Eiffel Tower. No country on Earth can launch something that big into space.
Two – The Eiffel Tower? You’re kidding…
One – The size of the Eiffel Tower! I didn’t say it looked like the Eiffel Tower.
Two – Oh, right… Because a UFO shaped like the Eiffel Tower orbiting Earth…
One – So, it doesn’t surprise you that much?
Two – Yes, yes, of course… It’s crazy… Did they say anything?
One – Who?
Two – Well, the Martians… I mean, the aliens.
One – Not yet. We’re still waiting for them to make contact.
Two – Damn… So what do we do?
One – What do you mean, what do we do? What do you expect us to do?
Two – I don’t know…
One – Apart from waiting…
Two – Maybe we should go get some groceries.
One – Groceries? Aliens are landing, and you feel like going shopping!
Two – I’m not talking about shopping! I mean stocking up. Filling the fridge. Taking some cash out.
One – You think?
Two – I don’t know. It’s what our great-grandparents did when they saw the Germans coming, I guess. You’ve got to do something…
One – If everyone does like us, there’s going to be panic.
Two – Yes… But if we don’t do like everyone else, tomorrow we’ll have nothing to eat.
One – What do you think they want?
Two – How should I know? Maybe the same thing Christopher Columbus wanted when he landed in America.
One – That’s not very reassuring.
Two – You think?
One – The Spaniards exterminated the Native Americans and forced the few survivors to convert to Catholicism.
Two – You think these aliens will force us to convert to their own religion?
One – If their civilisation is advanced enough to get here, I imagine they’ve moved past that nonsense.
Two – Yeah…
One – But as for exterminating us and taking our place… unfortunately, that’s a real possibility.
Two – Unless they enslave us, like white people did to Africans.
One – Or put us in cages to fatten us up and eat us, like we did with the descendants of the dinosaurs.
Two – The descendants of the dinosaurs?
One – Chickens!
Two – Chickens are the descendants of dinosaurs?
One – You didn’t know?
Two – No.
One – Or they could put us in zoos so their kids can throw peanuts at us on Sundays.
Two – In the end, everything that aliens could do to humans, humans have already done to other humans.
One – Or to animals.
Two – Yeah… If they’re really that smart, we’re in trouble if they see us as just not very evolved social animals.
One – Like how we see bees.
Two – Except we don’t make honey.
One – No, we’re more the kind to saw off the branch we’re sitting on.
Two – Like termites, eating through the beams until the roof collapses on them.
One – You’re right. I think we’ll go get some supplies to fill the freezer.
Two – Yeah, wouldn’t surprise me if we end up in another lockdown.
One – Let’s get some toilet paper too, just in case.
Two – You’re right. If we’re going to get eaten by aliens, we might as well have clean bums…
One – I’ll go get my credit card…
Blackout.
All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.
To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.
A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net