Eve is there, idle. Ethan enters, visibly uncomfortable.
Ethan – Hi… Do you live around here?
Eve – You could say that… And you?
Ethan – Just passing through.
Silence.
Eve – And… are you planning to settle… around here?
Ethan – That depends.
Eve – Depends on what?
Ethan – I don’t know… Here or elsewhere.
Eve – Suit yourself. We’re in a republic.
Ethan – What could make me want to stay here?
Eve (pointing to her forehead) – Do you see “tourist information” written here?
Ethan – No.
Eve – Right. So?
Ethan – So what?
Eve – Stay or go, but make up your mind. Right now, you’re starting to be a bit…
Ethan – OK, I’ll stay… for now…
Eve – Fine. So, what do we do?
Ethan – What do we do?
Eve – You’re not just going to stand there staring at me, are you?
Ethan – OK, OK… So… I don’t know… We could talk…
Eve – I’m listening.
Ethan – Do you smoke?
Eve – Why? Do you have a thing for non-smokers? Is this a job interview?
Ethan – Not at all! Quite the opposite. I just wanted to… ask if you had a cigarette.
Eve – We’ve just met, and you’re already bumming a cigarette off me?
Ethan – Absolutely not! Anyway, I don’t smoke.
Eve – Me neither. Well, at least we’ve got that in common.
Silence.
Ethan – Do you… do you have a number?
Eve – A number?
Ethan – I mean… a phone number.
Eve – Right…
Ethan – So?
Eve – I have a number, but no phone.
Ethan – What’s the point of having a number if you don’t have a phone?
Eve – You’re sharp, aren’t you… Or maybe just really stupid, I’m not sure yet. I lost my phone. That’s why I have a number but no phone. But you can give me your number instead…
Ethan – My number? I mean…
Eve – Don’t tell me you have a phone but no number.
Ethan – No, but…
Eve – Right… So, you don’t have a phone, but you’re asking for my number. How were you planning to call me? A phone box?
Ethan – I don’t know… I… Actually, yes, I do have a phone, but…
Eve – Want some advice?
Ethan – No… I mean, yes…
Eve – You should be careful. Improv isn’t your thing.
Ethan – OK. I…
Eve – Next time, prepare your lines a bit.
Ethan – Got it…
Eve – At least come up with a plan, then improvise around it. But honestly, you can’t just jump in like that without a safety net. You’re not ready for it…
Ethan – OK… A plan… I’ll think about it…
Eve – And why did you want my phone number anyway?
Ethan – Why? I don’t know… I…
Eve – We’re both here. If you’ve got something to say, there’s no need to call me.
Ethan – No, of course, but…
Eve – Want another piece of advice?
Ethan – I don’t know… Sure…
Eve – With or without a phone, get to the point before you run out of credit.
Ethan – My credit…?
Eve – We’ve been talking for five minutes, and you still haven’t said anything. Honestly, you’re pathetic right now!
Ethan – OK…
Eve – You know what? (She pulls out a pencil and scribbles something on a piece of paper, handing it to him.) Here’s my number. When I find my phone and you find a phone box, give me a call, and we’ll talk, OK?
She leaves. He watches her go, then looks at the paper. He hesitates, then addresses someone in the audience.
Ethan – Do you live around here? Do you know where I can find a phone box? Can I borrow your phone for a moment? (He takes the phone someone offers and pretends to dial the number from the paper.) Thanks… (The phone in his own pocket starts ringing. Surprised, he pulls out another phone and answers.) Hello? Hello? (He pauses, bewildered.) Great… I think I’m talking to myself… (He returns the phone to the audience member and addresses them.) It’s definitely her number… But I’ve got her phone… (A pause.) I didn’t think to tell her I’d just found a phone… and that it might be hers, the one she lost… And now she’s gone… (He stands there, perplexed.) I think she’s right, improv isn’t my thing…
Blackout.
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A sketch from the collection Ethan and Eve
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