A Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
The stage is empty except for a large wheeled trash bin with a yellow lid. A woman arrives, pulling another similar bin with a green lid. Dressed elegantly and wearing high heels, she attempts to maintain a semblance of dignity in the degrading task of taking out the trash herself. Her phone rings, and she answers.
Woman 1 – Hello, yes? Oh, good evening, Jack! No, no, you’re not bothering me. I was just organising some papers and getting ready to take a bath… Tonight at half-past seven? Oh yes, that’s absolutely perfect! But are you sure that… Your last patient? Very well! In that case, maybe we’ll have time to grab a drink afterward, just to get to know each other a bit? Oh yes, or dinner if you prefer… I know a very good Japanese place on the side of… Oh, you hate sushi… No, no, not at all… I also love pizzas… Perfect, then see you later… No, no, I have the address of your office… Oh, there’s a code after 7 PM… Wait, let me grab something to write with… I’m in the bathroom, and I don’t have anything on me… I mean, to write on…
She takes out a pencil but, realising she has no paper, opens the lid of the yellow trash bin. Finding it empty, she leaves the lid open and opens the lid of her own trash bin, from which she randomly takes a low-calorie cereal box.
Woman 1 – There, I’m listening… Oh, wow, indeed, it’s complicated… (Joking) Couldn’t you have chosen 111 or 007, like everyone else? Oh, it’s your mother-in-law’s date of death… Yes, you’re right, for a burglar, obviously, it’s more difficult to guess… But can you repeat that more slowly? Just a second, let me get a bit more comfortable…
She contorts herself to try to write with one hand on the cardboard while holding the phone with the other, before deciding to place the cardboard on the edge of the open yellow trash bin. The cardboard falls to the ground, and in trying to catch it, she drops her phone into the empty bin.
Woman 1 – Oh no, this can’t be true… (Towards the bottom of the bin) Hello? Jack? Can you hear me? (She leans toward the bottom of the trash bin to try to retrieve the phone.) Hello? I can barely hear you…
She ends up tipping into the trash bin. Only her two legs stick out, which she waves while making muffled cries. A man arrives, holding a phone.
Man – Hello? Hello? Can you hear me?
His wife arrives behind him.
Woman 2 – Jack? What are you doing there?
Jacques immediately puts away his phone. Fearing being caught in this embarrassing position, the trash bin prisoner withdraws her legs and calms down.
Man – Well, I… I came to get the trash bin to bring it back up… The hairdresser couldn’t fit you in, after all?
Woman 2 (sternly) – Yes. I’m coming out.
Man – Ah, very well…
Woman 2 – You haven’t forgotten that tonight I’m going to my department head’s farewell party?
Man – No, no, don’t worry… I’ll take the opportunity to catch up on my overdue accounting at the office.
The woman sees the cereal box on the floor.
Woman 2 – People are so dirty… (Picking up the packaging to put it back in the trash bin) And I have the feeling that the newcomers are the worst… By the way, have you met the new neighbour?
Man – What neighbour?
Woman 2 – Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed her… The one with the ample bosom…
Man – Ah, that one…
Woman 2 – You see, you do remember.
Man – It’s true that she’s quite a beautiful woman.
Woman 2 – I find her rather vulgar, but well…
Man – Vulgar?
Woman 2 – She’s divorced, I think…
Man – She told you that?
Woman 2 – A woman who takes out the trash herself must be living alone… And as she’s too old to still be single, I conclude that she’s divorced… or a widow.
Man – She’s not that old…
Woman 2 – She must be around my age.
Man – Oh, really? It doesn’t show…
Woman 2 – When she takes out the trash in the morning in a robe before putting on makeup, it shows, believe me… But hey, it really seems like she made quite an impression on you…
Man – You’re the one who brought it up. (Pause) And then she called the office today for a descaling…
Woman 2 – Descaling… When?
Man – Tonight.
Woman 2 – Ah, okay… It must have been an emergency.
Man – Maybe she has an important appointment…
Woman 2 – Right… Well… Just don’t bring her home. Because I’m telling you, I’m capable of anything…
Man – Bring her home… What are you talking about…?
They start to move away.
Woman 2 – Well, aren’t you bringing the bin back up?
Man – Yes, yes… (He takes the wheeled bin by the handle and follows his wife.) But when you say capable of anything… Not killing, right?
A phone rings from inside the trash bin.
Black.
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A sketch from the collection Open Letters
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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