A sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – What?
One – We’ve just lost an engine.
Two – No…? How many engines does this plane have?
One – Two.
Two – And can we fly on just one?
One – Yes… As long as that one doesn’t fail too.
Two – And what are the chances of both failing at the same time?
One – About the same as winning the lottery, I’d say…
Two – Right.
One – See? No reason to panic.
Two – You think so?
One – Do you play the lottery?
Two – Yes.
One – Have you ever won?
Two – No.
One – There you go… No reason to panic.
Two – OK… So, what do we do now?
One – Well… We turn around and head back to land.
Two – Have you ever landed this thing on one engine?
One – No.
Two – And to think it’s my first time on a plane.
One – Yes…
Two – Some first flight… I just hope I don’t get the last rites thrown in for the same price.
A pause.
One – Promise me you won’t panic?
Two – What now?
One – We’ve just lost the second engine.
Two – No…? Can a plane like this fly without any engines?
One – It can glide.
Two – So we can still land, even without engines…
One – If the airfield isn’t too far away, yes. But…
Two – But…?
One – We’re too far to glide all the way there.
Two – I don’t know… Maybe we could land on a road or a field. Like in the movies…
One – We’ve been flying over mountains for the past fifteen minutes.
Two – I’m never getting on a plane again.
One – Unfortunately, that might indeed be a serious possibility…
Two – So what do we do?
One – There’s a road, but it’s very winding. And packed. It’s the weekend, people are heading to the ski resorts.
Two – Do we still have a chance?
One – It’s not obvious, but… Do you trust me?
Two – Do I have a choice?
One – No.
Two – OK… Is there anything I can do?
One – Do you have a signal?
Two – You want me to call for help?
One – Unfortunately, it wouldn’t make any difference.
Two – Then why are you asking if I have a signal?
One – In case you want to make one last phone call.
Two – One last phone call? To whom? My lawyer?
One – I don’t know… your wife.
Two – What would I say to her?
One – That you love her, for instance.
Two – We’re in the middle of a divorce. I found out she was having an affair with my best friend.
One – Call your best friend, then.
Two – To tell him I love him?
One – To insult him.
Two – What’s the point?
One – You’re right. Better to keep your dignity to the end.
Two – Yes…
One – You could always call him to say you forgive him.
A pause.
Two – That’s strange. I still hear a kind of humming on both sides of the plane… What is it?
One – The two engines.
Two – But then…
One – What day is it today?
Two – The 31st of March, why?
One – The 31st of March… are you sure?
Two – Yes. It’s my birthday. I treated myself to a first flight.
One – The 31st of March…? Oh, damn… Sorry, I thought it was April Fool’s Day…
Blackout.
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A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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