A sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
Two characters (men or women) face each other. They remain silent for a moment.
One – I’m afraid it’s time for us to say goodbye…
Two – Oh, let’s not get sentimental. We both knew this moment would come.
One – Still, it means something to me.
Two – You’ll forget me soon enough, you’ll see.
One – Your bust is in the Musée Grévin – how could I possibly forget you?
Two – There are plenty of museums in Paris. Just avoid that one. Who goes to the Musée Grévin nowadays anyway? Tourists, maybe…
One – Paris has become one big open-air wax museum, filled with dusty monuments and waxy-faced extras.
Two – There aren’t even any real Parisians left. They’ve all sold their flats and turned them into Airbnbs.
One – Paris is no longer a party… Now it’s just a backdrop for selfies.
Two – Shall we take one last selfie?
One – Alright…
They turn their backs to the audience to take a selfie.
Voice off – And… cut! That was the final scene of Jean-Paul Ramirez.
Applause.
Two – Thank you.
One – I heard this was your final film too.
Two – You have to know when to stop. Better not to do that one film too many.
One – Not everyone has your wisdom, sadly.
Two – I’ve spent most of my life in front of a camera. I’d like to have a bit of time to experience life too.
One – You might be disappointed. You know what Alfred Hitchcock said…
Two – “Cinema is life with the boring bits cut out.”
One – For the audience, maybe. But for us actors…
Two – True. To make a two-hour film, the editor sometimes watches over a hundred hours of rushes. And cuts everything that doesn’t move the story forward.
One – But we still had to shoot those hundred hours.
Two – Not to mention all the time we spend waiting around between scenes.
One – You know Marilyn Monroe used to knit between takes?
Two – I think that was Brigitte Bardot.
One – Oh yes, maybe…
Two – I believe Marilyn Monroe did crosswords.
One – Marilyn Monroe…?
Two – Or Liz Taylor, I’m not sure anymore.
One – Anyway, all actors get bored stiff between takes.
Two – Yes.
One – And let’s not even talk about the time we spend waiting between films.
Two – I once went two years without working.
One – Two years waiting for the phone to ring.
A pause.
Two – I heard that in wildlife documentaries, they sometimes shoot 500 hours for one hour of footage.
One – Poor animals.
Two – Do you think they’re asked to do multiple takes?
One – Anyway, for you, it’s over now.
Two – Yes… Time for me to reflect on all those scenes that were cut in editing. The ones that make up most of my cinematic career.
One – In other words, you’re going to be bored out of your mind.
Two – Thank you for your kind words.
A pause.
One – The film’s over, isn’t it?
Two – Then what exactly are we waiting for?
One – Nothing…
Two – Habit…
They prepare to leave.
Voice off – I’m really sorry, but we’ve had a slight technical issue.
One – Right…
Two – So…?
Voice off – We’re going to have to do it again.
One – Well then — looks like retirement’s not quite here yet after all.
Voice off – Whenever you’re ready…
Two – I’m ready.
Voice off – Quiet on set!
One – I’m afraid it’s time for us to say goodbye…
Blackout.
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A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net