A Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
A notary’s office. A woman arrives, dressed in mourning attire. She hesitates, then sits down. After a while, she leans towards the desk to look at the documents on it, then hesitates. Curiosity gets the better of her, and she leans over again, extending a hesitant hand to grab an envelope. Another woman, also in mourning, enters. She seems surprised to see the first woman, who hasn’t noticed her. The new arrival coughs to signal her presence, and the other woman startles.
Woman 1 – You scared me…
Woman 2 – I’m really sorry. But I didn’t know that… (Extending her hand and introducing herself) I’m Mary…
Woman 1 – You know my name?
Woman 2 (surprised) – Uh… No, Mary, that’s me. The widow of the deceased.
Woman 1 – What?
Woman 2 – You’re also named Mary?
Woman 1 – But I’m the widow!
Woman 2 – Excuse me?
Woman 1 – Who does she think she is, this hussy?
Woman 2 – Say that again, you bimbo!
They’re about to jump at each other’s throats when the notary arrives with a cup of coffee in hand.
Notary – Would you like some coffee?
The two women regain a more dignified composure.
Woman 1 – No, thank you, I’m fine.
Woman 2 – We’re upset enough as it is.
Notary – Please, have a seat… (Both women sit down.) First of all, allow me to offer my condolences.
The first woman sheds a tear. The notary hands her a box of tissues, and she takes one.
Woman 1 – Thank you.
The other woman rolls her eyes with an exasperated expression.
Notary – Very well. Now that we’re all here, we can proceed with the reading of the will.
Woman 1 – All here?
Notary – Unless we are waiting for a third Mary…
Woman 2 – Excuse me, but I think there’s a little misunderstanding…
Notary – I’ll come to that right away, dear Madam, don’t worry… (He picks up the envelope on his desk and clears his throat.) I’ll get straight to the point. As your joint presence in this office may have already hinted to you, Mr. Smith, before his death, had a double life.
Woman 1 – A double life?
Woman 2 – I assure you, we had no hint of that at all until now…
Notary – In any case, following his sudden disappearance in circumstances as murky as they were painful, Mr. Smith leaves behind two widows and two orphans… both named Jack.
Woman 1 – Your son is also named Jack?
Notary – It’s true that for a man leading a double life, choosing two women with the same name and baptizing all his children Jack can avoid quite a few mistakes…
Woman 2 (devastated) – That’s clear…
Notary – So, it appears that the estate of your common husband was mainly composed of a house in Newcastle upon Tyne and another in Newcastle under Lyme. It was during one of his many trips between these two towns that Mr. Smith was swept away in his car by a flooded river during a violent storm.
The two women exchange a hostile glance.
Notary – Without further ado, I will read you the deceased’s last wishes. (He opens the envelope) First and foremost, regarding his funeral, Mr. Smith expressed a wish to be cremated. At least on this point, you have nothing to worry about. Mr. Smith was apparently a very organized man, and he has made all the necessary arrangements. I’ll provide you with the details…
In a clumsy motion, the notary spills his coffee onto the will.
Notary – Oh, damn… (He takes a tissue and wips the spilled coffee on the will.) Sorry… I’ll fix this right away, don’t worry, and I’ll continue reading the will… Hopefully this thing is still somewhat legible… (He glances at the document.) Well, then, in essence… Let me summarize for you… Mr. Smith leaves his house in Newcastle to…
Woman 1 – Newcastle upon Tyne or Newcastle under Lyme?
Notary – I must admit that with the coffee stain, I can’t read exactly what’s written after Newcastle… In any case, Mr. Smith bequeaths this house to his wife Mary and his son Jack.
Woman 2 – Which Mary?
Woman 1 – Which Jack?
Notary – I assure you, he didn’t specify…
Woman 2 – This is unbelievable!
Woman 1 – But then, how do you expect us to…
The notary’s phone rings, and he answers.
Notary – Excuse me just a moment… Yes? No? Oh yes? Oh no! Okay… Okay… Okay… Thank you… (He hangs up.) So, I have good news and bad news.
Woman 2 – I must admit, I’m quite curious to know what the good news might be…
Notary – Your husband did not die by drowning in the Lyme River, as we initially believed…
The two women exchange looks of dismay.
Notary – According to the latest developments in the investigation, Mr. Smith may have climbed back onto the riverbank after being swept into the water by a gust of wind while walking his dog, Tobby. A dog that apparently, he never parted with.
Woman 1 – Our dog is also named Tobby!
Woman 2 – It’s the same one…
Notary – At least when it came to dogs, your husband wasn’t polygamous.
Woman 1 – So that bastard is still alive?
Notary – That’s where the bad news comes in… He managed to get back in his car and continue driving. However, the vehicle was later thrown into the Tyne River by a new gust of wind when he reached Newcastle. The police just fished out his Fiesta from the river a few minutes ago.
Woman 2 – The Tyne River, then.
Woman 1 – Of course, the Tyne River! In Newcastle upon Tyne! She’s missing a few bulbs upstairs!
The other woman gives her a murderous look.
Notary – Mr. Smith really had no luck. It’s obvious he would have been better off not taking his car that day.
Woman 1 – It was my Jack’s birthday…
Woman 2 – Mine too…
Notary – Perhaps it’s just the law of averages… I mean, the double drowning, of course.
Woman 2 – It seems that when you lead a double life, you are also destined to die twice.
Notary – Even though, according to the famous maxim of Heraclitus, one never drowns twice in the same river. (A pause) I’m just kidding…
Woman 1 – So what was the good news then?
Embarrassed silence.
Notary – The good news is that we found the dog Tobby, and he’s alive and well. We can still consider shared custody…
Woman 2 – And is that all there is in the will?
Awkward silence.
Notary – Well… Uh, sorry… Wait a minute… Here’s something else… This is the music your husband chose for his cremation.
He presses a remote control, and the first lyrics of the song “Light My Fire” start playing. Plus a few barks.
Black.
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A sketch from the collection Stories to die for
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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