Monologue by Jean-Pierre Martinez
How long have we known each other? Twenty years at least, right? (Pause) Why did we never sleep together, by the way? I mean, we get on really well… We could’ve even got married!
It’s funny, I kind of think of you as an ex. Even though we’ve never been together. We almost were, once. Remember? You got me drunk. Or maybe it was the other way around. We ended up at your place, completely smashed. We laughed like idiots all night… and somehow forgot to sleep together. Maybe it’s because we get along too well. There wouldn’t have been enough spark. We’d have ended up bored, eventually. Sure, we laugh a lot, but… I just can’t picture myself having sex with someone who’s laughing. I mean, there’s laughing and laughing. I can make a girl laugh to get her into bed. But sleep with a girl who makes me laugh…? No, if I slept with you, I’d feel like I was sleeping with a mate. A girl mate, if you prefer.
And I don’t like blondes. I know, you’re not blonde anymore. But you were when I met you… How was I supposed to know it wasn’t your natural colour? Funny how these things work, isn’t it? It’s not that I don’t like blondes, but… It depends. You were just a bit too blonde for me. Girls who are too blonde, I don’t know, they sort of gross me out a little. Physically. I don’t know why… Maybe it’s a skin thing. Now it’s too late. I’ll always picture you as a blonde who dyed her hair brown. Although you’re not really a brunette either… Not quite chestnut. I don’t even know what to call it… It’s not blonde, it’s not brown.
It’s not that I don’t find you attractive. Actually, every guy fancies you. Normally that would be a turn-on. But with you… no. I honestly don’t know why I’ve never wanted to sleep with you… Maybe that’s what love is… I mean, that je-ne-sais-quoi that makes two people want to have sex. Or more, if there’s chemistry. Looks like we’ve just defined it – by default.
Now, why did I marry my wife instead of you, or someone else…? Well, first of all, she fancied me. That made things simpler. If she hadn’t, would I have kept trying…?And if I had kept trying, would she have liked that…? We’ll never know. Mutual love is simpler, but it’s less… How can I put it…? No risk, no glory. Actually, I do wonder what she saw in me. Do you have any idea…? I suppose I could just ask her, but… What if she asks me the same thing? There are some things it’s best not to bring up. A little mystery in a relationship never hurt anyone. Though, well, moderation in all things.
Once, I dated a girl. After a year, she dumped me. I asked her why. She said she was bored in bed. With me. A whole year! I mean, come on – there’s a limit to discretion. So now I wonder: why did she stay with me for a year? I didn’t even think to ask… There must’ve been a reason! Or maybe she lied. About the sex, I mean. Just to get back at me… Not that I’m saying that because my male ego was hurt, right? It just took me by surprise, that’s all. I mean, I do have a bit of a reputation for being good in bed. And you? No, I mean… you really don’t want to tell me why you never fancied me, do you? (Nervous) You don’t have to answer, you know…
Black.
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A sketch from the collection Him and Her and Like a fish in the air
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