A Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
A character is sitting facing another who is seated in front of a computer.
One (checking the screen) – So, according to all the information you provided, that would be… December 27, 2041. In the evening.
Two – Ah…
One – Does that pose a problem for you? If I’m not mistaken, you’ll be 76 years and 3 months old… It’s a bit young, of course, but… Given your lifestyle and, well, your less-than-healthy living conditions… Believe me… You couldn’t hope for much better…
Two – Yes, of course, but… December 27th is right in the midst of the holiday season… That’s not really convenient… My wife and I run a chocolate shop. We make half of our annual turnover at that time… (The other indicates that he can’t do anything about it.) And what if I quit smoking…?
One – Ah, now that changes things… Let’s see… (He types on his computer.) Non-smoker… You still don’t plan on moving…?
Two – It’s next to the shop… and with the soaring real estate prices…
One – Alright… That would bring us to… February 29, 2044… It’s a leap year… That buys you nearly three years.
Two – Is it really worth it…?
One – Ah, that’s up to you to decide.
Two – And what if I also stop drinking aperitifs…?
One – Well, you have to live…
Two – You’re right… We can’t give up everything… (Pause) And my wife…?
One – Oh, that, you know, it doesn’t really matter. It might even be good for your heart… and your prostate.
Two – No, I mean, my wife, um… When is she scheduled…?
One – Ah… Sorry… But… That’s strictly confidential…
Two – But… Before or after me…?
One – Even if I knew, I wouldn’t be able to tell you… Really…
Two – Mmmm… She doesn’t smoke…
One – Oh, you know, sometimes that doesn’t mean much. And you also have to take passive smoking into account…
Two – She makes me smoke on the balcony…
One – She could have an accident… Does she drive a lot of kilometers per year?
Two – She doesn’t drive…
One – Pedestrians can also get run over while crossing the street, you know… And there are also accidents at home… A gas leak… A fall down the stairs…
Two – A hairdryer falling into the bathtub…
One – You seem so keen on your wife going before you. You mean you want to spare her the pain of outliving you?
Two – It’s not that… It’s for the family vault… Since my mother passed away, there’s only one spot left…
One – And…?
Two – Well… I had a terrible relationship with my mother… I don’t want to… You understand…? So if my wife goes first, it solves the problem… She takes the last spot, and I can go elsewhere… Without any fuss…
One – I understand…
Two – And what if I start doing a bit of sports…?
One – If it’s not a dangerous sport… What were you thinking?
Two – I don’t know… Petanque…
One – You can’t imagine the number of skull fractures recorded each year among amateur boules players…
Two – Alright… Never mind… Let’s go for December 27, 2041…
He gets up to leave, then hesitates and turns back to his interlocutor one last time.
Two – By the way, I forgot to ask you… How am I going to die, exactly…? Lung cancer?
One (caught off guard) – Ah, yes, that’s true, I’m sorry, I completely forgot to check… You did well to ask me…
He checks on his computer before looking up with an embarrassed expression.
One – I did warn you that your living conditions were unhealthy…
The other person’s face shows some confusion.
One – The balcony… A collapse… In the end, I think you’d better quit smoking…
Black.
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A sketch from the collection Stories to die for
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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