A sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
A man enters a doctor’s office. The doctor is sitting at his desk, busy filling out a form.
Doctor – Please, have a seat…
Patient – Thank you.
Doctor – So… What brings you here?
Patient – Well… I don’t know how to put it… I think I caught Death…
Doctor – Oh, you know, these days, that’s all we hear about… There’s a virus going around… Believe me, it’s non-stop… So? Runny nose… A tickle in the throat… A bit of fatigue…
Patient – No, no, I’m perfectly fine, Doctor… I’m not sick… What I mean is… I really caught Death.
The doctor seems a bit thrown off..
Doctor – Yes… (Trying to regain composure) Well, we’ll still prescribe you a preventive treatment, just in case… (He takes out a prescription and starts writing it like a robot.) So… A little cocktail of vitamins to boost your immune system, which might be a bit sluggish due to the cold… A throat syrup, one tablespoon in the morning, at noon, and in the evening… Paracetamol only if you have headaches… (He hands the prescription to the patient.) There you go, with all that, you shouldn’t be bothered too much this winter… (But the patient doesn’t take the prescription.)
Patient – I knew it wouldn’t be easy…
Doctor (surprised) – It’s a completely standard treatment, you know. I prescribe it at least thirty times a day currently…
Patient – Doctor, I’ve caught Death, and she’s locked in the Ford Fiesta parked in my garage.
Doctor (snapping out of it) – Tell me about it…
Patient – Well… Last night, I decided to end my life…
Doctor – Mmm…
Patient – Firearms are not my thing. And gas can be dangerous for the neighbours. You have to think about those who are left behind, after all…
Doctor – Certainly…
Patient – So I went to my garage. I sealed the door with wet towels, just like I often saw in Wednesday evening TV movies. And then I started my Ford Fiesta. With great difficulty, by the way. It smokes like a tractor, and it makes just about as much noise. It’s the catalytic converter. I should change it, but anyway… In this case, it was actually an advantage. So I sat in the driver’s seat. I turned on the radio. And I let the engine run. I was starting to doze off peacefully for what I thought would be my final sleep when I saw her in the rearview mirror, sitting behind me…
Doctor – Who?
Patient – Death!
Doctor – Ah, yes, of course…
Patient – I shouldn’t have been so surprised. I was doing everything I needed to find her. But you know what amazed me?
Doctor – No…
Patient – She looked exactly as I had imagined her, exactly like the image we have of her, you know!
Doctor – What do you mean?
Patient – The long black cape, the scythe, the complete get-up! It’s crazy. You think, oh, it’s just an image, and then… Because no one has ever seen Death. Maybe she exists, okay. But it’s like God. Maybe we’ll meet him up there someday, but no one has come back with photos to show us exactly what he looks like. So we can imagine that even if he exists, he’s certainly not a venerable old man with long hair and a white beard, vaguely resembling Santa Claus or Karl Marx…
Doctor – No, obviously…
Patient – Well, that’s what freaked me out all of a sudden. To see her like that. Exactly as I had imagined her…
Doctor – Yes, that… Must have been a shock…
Patient – In any case, believe me, it woke me up! I don’t know what came over me, but I turned off the engine and got out of the car like a madman, slamming the door behind me. And there, luckily, I had the right reflex…
Doctor – Oh, yeah…?
Patient – I still had the key to my Ford Fiesta in my hand. I immediately pressed it to lock the doors. Not much works in this car anymore, but that still does. It was one of the first models to be equipped with it at the time. I even hesitated to take that option, I’m not into gadgets, but you know how it is. It was the only model immediately available at the garage. It was either that or wait for the ordered one for months…
Doctor – Yes, I know how it is… I just got a new Mercedes, and I had to take the cigarette lighter, even though I quit smoking five years ago… And believe me, just the cigarette lighter option, on a car like that… It’s almost the price of a second-hand Ford Fiesta… Yes, well, what happened next?
Patient – Then, I was saved! She was trapped in there, in the car. Right there in front of me, I swear. I could see her very distinctly pressing her black burqa-like thing against the window trying to get out. But no! She was trapped! Can you imagine? In my Ford Fiesta!
Doctor – Alright… So, you really don’t want the syrup…?
Patient – Don’t you understand what I’m telling you? I caught Death!
Doctor – Yes, yes… I… I can refer you to a colleague if you want…? Wait, I must have his address here, in my directory…
He searches but doesn’t find it, then picks up his phone.
Doctor – Yes, Christel. Can you give me Dr. Müller’s phone number? At the psychiatric center, yes… (He scribbles something on a piece of paper.) Thanks… (He hangs up and hands the piece of paper to the patient.) There you go, you can see him on my behalf, and explain what’s happening to you, okay? I’m sure he’ll be very interested…
Patient (taking the paper) – Thanks… And what about my Ford Fiesta, what do I do?
Doctor – What do you mean…?
Patient – Well, I’m going to need it now… I mean, now that I’ve decided not to commit suicide with carbon monoxide… What do I do? If I open the door, Death will take the opportunity to escape. And the Grim Reaper will start reaping again, right away.
Doctor – Ah, yes, of course…
Patient – It’s a responsibility, anyway… Moreover, did you see? Yesterday, on the news: no announcements of the death of retired celebrities. No earthquakes in underdeveloped countries. No school bus accidents… Obviously, because Death is locked in my car…
Doctor (uncertain if he’s joking or not) – On the other hand, if Death stays in there too long, you realize the implications. It would be a disaster for the media, NGOs, funeral homes, the pension system…
Patient (annoyed) – I feel like you’re not taking me seriously…
Doctor – Please don’t take offense; I absolutely don’t question the truth of what you just told me. But are you absolutely sure it wasn’t someone else on the back seat? Maybe your wife, for instance…
Patient – My wife doesn’t wear a burqa! And by the way, we got divorced last year. It hit me hard, actually. It’s one of the reasons that pushed me to the brink of suicide…
Doctor – Well, you see! As you mentioned, you were already quite intoxicated… Lack of oxygen can cause hallucinations… Look at the choking game… When you’re about to die, you might have remembered your wife, all the good times you’ve spent together, and she appeared to you like that…
Patient – With a burqa and a scythe…?
The doctor seems puzzled. The patient reflects.
Patient – It’s true that for the burqa… It was more like a black scarf tied around her neck… And for the scythe, I’m not completely sure… It could have been a broomstick as well… But witches also have broomsticks and wear black scarves!
Doctor – Hmm…
Patient – And how do you explain that this morning, when I went back to my garage after a good night’s sleep, she was still there, behind the rear window of my Ford Fiesta? She even tried to tell me something…
Doctor – Oh, really?
Patient – Since I couldn’t hear anything, she scribbled something on a piece of paper in a some strange cryptic language that vaguely looked like Portuguese and pressed it against the windshield.
Doctor – Portuguese?
Patient – That surprised me a bit too…
Doctor – And what was written on that paper?
Patient – Well, I have no idea… I don’t understand Portuguese… I should ask my cleaning lady. She’s Portuguese, as it happens… But it’s strange, she didn’t come this morning as usual… No, I assure you, Doctor. I caught Death…
Doctor – Mmm… I’ll still prescribe a mild sedative for the time being… It will help you relax…
Patient – Do you think so…?
The doctor nods, and starts scribbling something on a prescription.
Black.
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A sketch from the collection Stories to die for
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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