A Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
A man is standing in front of a grave. Another man approaches.
Two – Excuse me, I’m looking for Polnareff’s grave…
One – Is he dead?
Two – Sorry… I meant Gainsbourg, of course.
One – At the end of the pathway, on the left… You can’t miss it… There are cigarette butts all around…
The second man is about to go there, then hesitates and looks at the tomb in front of which the first man is standing.
Two – Cemeteries are strange places when you think about it… Are the dead radioactive, that they bury them in confined spaces for centuries, like nuclear waste? I’m all for cremation, aren’t you?
One – Pardon?
Two – Did you know her?
One – She was my mistress…
Two – Oh, I’m sorry.
One – There’s really no need… She was a real piece of work.
Two – Come on, don’t say that… So, that’s why you only came now, after the ceremony. So you won’t cross paths with the husband.
One – Yes…
Two – You didn’t kill her, did you?
One – Oh, no…! She was hit by a tram… She was leaving my place to get my lighter that I had forgotten in my car… It happened when she was crossing the street again… They had just inaugurated the tram line the day before… She didn’t remember…
Two – That’s the problem with trams. Since they’re electric, you can’t hear them coming…
The first man takes out a cigarette and puts it in his mouth.
One – Do you have a light…? I ran out of a lighter…
Two – Of course.
One – Is it not prohibited here, though?
Two (giving him a light) – Cemeteries are the last place where smoking is still allowed. And if it were a non-smoking cemetery, they wouldn’t have buried Gainsbourg there…
The first man eagerly lights his cigarette.
One – That’s how her husband found out about our affair… She used to tell him that she was visiting her grandmother at the retirement home. Her grandmother never remembers anything, so it was convenient. But then the tram ran her over right in front of my place… Her husband must have suspected something…
Two – Of course… Discovering you’re a widower and a cuckold at the same time…
One – Since then, I’ve been on foot…
Two – Pardon?
One – He had his wife buried with my keys! Probably to get back at me…
Two – Your keys?
One – The keys to my car! I had given them to her… So she could fetch my lighter…
Two – Ah, yes, of course…
One – I went to the viewing of the body, and I saw the keys sticking out of her pocket… But there were so many people… I couldn’t do anything… Now, I don’t know how to get them back…
Two – But don’t you have a spare key…?
One – Yes… My wife has it…
Two – Just tell her that you lost yours…
One – We’re separated… This bitch just told her that I was cheating on her… So there’s little chance that my ex-wife will give me the spare keys…
Two – I see…
One – It’ll be dark soon… Do you have a shovel?
Two – Are you kidding?
One – You don’t have a shovel… Do you have a car?
Two – Shall I give you a lift?
One – I’d appreciate it. Which way are you going?
Two – To Montmartre.
One – Funny, that’s where my mistress used to live.
Two – I know… I’m her husband…
One – Oh, I see… I had my doubts when I saw the lighter…
The first man takes out the lighter from his pocket.
Two – Oh, yes, sorry… Here you go, of course… I didn’t know it was yours… I was also surprised to find it in her hand when they brought her back to me. Since my wife doesn’t smoke… Well, she didn’t smoke…
The other man takes the lighter.
One – Thanks. (Glancing at the lighter) Not a scratch… That’s a miracle…
Two – My wife, on the other hand…
One (putting away the lighter) – I value it a lot… She gave it to me as a gift…
Two – But about your keys… I’m really sorry… I swear I didn’t know… I didn’t think of checking her pockets…
One – I believe you… You seem like a good guy…
They are about to leave.
One – But I thought you were looking for Gainsbourg’s grave? That’s why I wasn’t suspicious … You were trying to trap me…?
Two – Not at all… During the ceremony, obviously, I didn’t have much time to wander around… I thought I’d come back later to do a bit of sightseeing… Never mind, there’ll be another time…. (Pause) I’ve always wondered what they do with the dead when cemeteries are full…
One – We forget about them… Except for a few celebrities… That must be immortality. A perpetual concession…
They walk away.
One – It’s true, it’s a beautiful place…
Two – She insisted on being buried here…
One – It must be expensive, right? It’s very trendy…
Two – Yes… It was her showbiz side…
They leave.
Two – You’re right, she was really a real piece of work.
One – Come on, don’t say that…
Black.
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A sketch from the collection Stories to die for
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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