Two characters (men or women) are there, looking puzzled.
One – I’m not quite sure how to play this character. What about you?
Two – It’s not easy.
One – That’s normal. You need time to make the role your own.
Two – Yeah. To really get under the character’s skin.
One – That’s what the crew never seems to understand.
Two – Sometimes not even the director.
One – We’re not machines, are we?
Two – Exactly.
A pause.
One – How many times have we done that take now?
Two – Twenty-seven, I think.
One – Blimey – that many?
Two – When it doesn’t want to happen…
One – The director seemed a bit on edge, didn’t he?
Two – Yeah…
One – When the director’s tense, it doesn’t exactly help the actors relax.
Two – Apparently he’d have preferred us to know our lines before turning up on set.
One – Yeah, well… I don’t work like that. Do you?
Two – No, me neither.
One – I need to feel the character first. The words come later.
Two – Obviously.
One – As if it were improvised, you know?
Two – Otherwise it doesn’t feel natural.
One – Exactly.
Two – That’s what the Nouvelle Vague directors used to advocate, wasn’t it?
One – Godard left lots of room for improvisation.
Two – Truffaut too, I think.
A pause.
One – Did you get what he meant when he said, “Play it like your life depends on it”?
Two – I think he actually said, “Play it like your future depends on it.”
One – You sure?
Two – I’m not entirely sure I understood it.
One – What’s that supposed to mean, anyway…?
Two – Well… There are two ways of looking at it.
One – Oh yeah?
Two – If it’s “play it like your life depends on it”, it could mean acting with a real sense of urgency.
One – I see… Like it’s life or death.
Two – Exactly.
One – And the other way?
Two – If it’s “play it like your future depends on it”, it could mean…
One – What?
Two – “You lot are crap. You’d better pull your bloody socks up or you’ve got no future in this series.”
One – Oh, right…
Two – Yeah.
One – So you think it was more the second one?
Two – Yeah.
One – OK.
Two – Maybe we should run through it again.
One – Yeah… I reckon we’d better actually learn our lines.
Two – I know it’s not very professional… but still…
One – If our lives depend on it.
Two – Or at least our future in the business.
One – Actually, what he said really helped.
Two – Yeah…
One – A sense of urgency… Yeah, that’s it. We’ll play it with a sense of urgency.
Two – I’m sure take twenty-eight will be the one.
One – Me too, I’ve got a good feeling about it.
Two – Good direction makes all the difference.
One – That’s how you spot a great director.
Two – Too right.
One – Right then, shall we run it again?
Two – OK. With the script in hand, then.
One – Better for now.
They both take out a sheet of paper.
Two – Here we go…
One (reading) – Hello, a coffee, please.
Two – Just a black coffee?
One – Black, yes. Like my mood… My wife just left me. And she took the coffee maker.
Two – I’ll make it a double. On the house.
One – Thanks.
Two – Come on, don’t worry…
One – Do you think she’ll come back?
Two – No, but… maybe she’ll return the coffee maker.
They put down their sheets.
One – I’ve got a good feeling this time, don’t you?
Two – Yeah. I’m really in character now.
One – Shall we go again?
Two – We’re gonna smash it, mate. Just watch…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Directing Actors est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Two characters (men or women) are present. They remain silent for a moment.
One – I’ve got a bad feeling about this love scene.
Two – Who’s it with?
One – Fred.
Two – Ah, yes…
A pause.
One – Have you worked with him before?
Two – Yes…
One – And you didn’t notice anything?
Two – Well, yes…
One – He’s got terrible breath.
Two – No doubt about it.
One – How can someone’s breath be that bad?
Two – It’s like a jackal’s breath, honestly.
One – Even if you never brushed your teeth, could it really smell that bad?
Two – Must be some kind of liver problem. I can’t think of any other explanation.
One – And of course, no one dares say anything.
Two – Bit awkward, isn’t it?
One – Do you think he knows?
Two – Knows what?
One – That he stinks!
Two – No idea…
One – Maybe not.
Two – Maybe when you’ve got bad breath, you can’t smell it yourself.
One – Yeah… telling him might actually be doing him a favour.
Two – At the very least, it’d be a favour to everyone else.
One – His co-stars, for starters.
A pause.
Two – What if we had bad breath too, and no one’s ever dared to tell us?
One – Now that’s a worrying thought.
Two – If I had bad breath, would you tell me?
One – Not sure…
Two – That’s a bit scary, isn’t it?
One – Don’t worry, I’ve never noticed anything.
Two – OK…
One – Maybe you spit a little when you talk, that’s all.
Two – I spit?
One – I said a little.
Two – Well… thanks for telling me. I’ll try to be more careful.
One – OK… (Pause) And what about me?
Two – What?
One – Do I spit?
Two – I haven’t noticed…
One – OK… But have you noticed anything else?
Two – Not really.
One – OK.
Two – I think I heard you fart once or twice.
One – Oh, that… Well, it’s not always easy to control.
Two – I know, but… in the middle of a scene, during filming, it can really throw your scene partner off, you know?
One – I get it… When was the last time?
Two – This morning… In that scene we did together.
One – Ah, yes…
Two – You tell me you’ve seen the Virgin Mary at the back of a cave. And right after the word “cave”, you let one rip.
One – I see…
Two – It’s not easy to keep going after that.
One – I’m really sorry.
Two – It was pretty funny, to be fair, but still…
One – Yeah…
Two – You didn’t do it on purpose, did you?
One – I did.
Two – I thought as much.
One – That scene was so ridiculous. I just couldn’t help myself.
Two – The Virgin…
One – In a cave… I mean, come on.
Two – If you’d seen her at the bottom of a sake glass in a Chinese restaurant, that would’ve been funny.
One – How do screenwriters still come up with crap like that in the 21st century?
Two – It’s telly. They write whatever they’re told to…
One – I wonder who still watches TV. I mean proper national channels.
Two – Old people.
One – And when all the old people are dead?
Two – We’ll be dead too.
One – This little chat’s really cheered me up. Just before I go and snog a bloke with the breath of a camel.
Two – Yeah… We don’t have an easy job, do we?
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article A Screen Kiss est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One character (man or woman) is present. Their phone rings, they answer the call.
One – Yes, Cindy… Who? Oh, right, I’d completely forgotten about him. What a pain… No, no, let him in, otherwise he’ll never leave me alone…
A pause, during which they check their phone screen. Another character enters (also gender-neutral).
One – Ah, my dear friend! Come in, come in.
Two – Thanks for seeing me like this, unannounced.
One – Well, I am your agent. My door is always open…
Two – I’ve been trying to get an appointment for the past three weeks. No success…
One – Sorry. I’ve been very busy lately.
Two – So I decided to just show up. Without an appointment.
One – And you did the right thing. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?
Two – It really has
One – I think the last time was… Actually, I can’t remember at all…
Two – Wasn’t it at the funeral of that actor who starved to death after waiting three years for his agent to get him a role? Even just a bread-and-butter one…
One – Still joking, I see. Good to know you haven’t lost your sense of humour.
Two – Don’t count on it lasting, just so you know.
One – So then, what brings you here today?
Two – What brings me here? You’ve been promising me a film role for months. I’m still waiting…
One – It’s tricky at the moment. Things are tough, you know…
Two – You just told me you were very busy.
One – Lots of projects have been shelved due to lack of funding. Even ones with big names…
Two – And what about the French cultural exception? Those cosy subsidies the whole world admires — while they balloon the national deficit?
One – Subsidies are drying up, believe me. Back in the day, all you needed was to know a secretary at the Ministry of Culture to get advance funding. You could shoot any old rubbish and screen it in empty cinemas without risking a cent. These days, you practically have to know the Minister — and the Minister changes every three months!
Two – Or we could just try making good films. Ones people actually want to see. Ones that pay for themselves.
One – Unfortunately, in France, success is synonymous with vulgarity.
Two – Exactly. “Popular” or “mainstream” have become dirty words. And it’s with the taxes of the poor that we make films that impress the bourgeoisie.
One – You know what they say: subsidised culture, a culture of subsidies…
Two – Still, films are being made, right?
One – Yes… Mostly comedies. Frankly, a load of old rubbish.
Two – I’d rather be in rubbish than not act at all. Plenty of great actors built their careers on rubbish films.
One – Yes… But comedy…
Two – What?
One – Well, let’s be honest. You’re not exactly what you’d call a comic actor.
Two – Oh really? And why’s that?
One – I don’t know… It’s just that… when people look at you, laughing isn’t exactly their first reaction.
Two – What about television, then? Arte only shows depressing stuff. Surely you could find me something that suits me.
One – Arte… It’s mostly co-productions. With the Germans, mainly. And when it comes to gloomy actors, believe me, the Germans are already well stocked. Do you speak German?
Two – No.
A pause.
One – I might be able to get you an advert. At a push.
Two – An advert?
One – Given the current climate… It’s better than nothing. You’d still be on telly.
Two – An advert for what?
One – Strasbourg sausages.
Two – I’m vegetarian.
One – Then it really would be acting…
Two – An ad for sausages… And what’s the role?
One – A bloke eating sausages. In Strasbourg.
Two – Right…
One – Interested?
Two – Let’s go with the sausages.
One – Of course, there’ll be an audition.
Two – Of course.
One – And they say agents are useless!
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article To Earn a Living est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.